view member journals

My take on that quote is as follows......

�

���� As one reflects on their life there are many thought that can go through one's head.� In life you have to be willing to take chances...which requires courage.� If you gamble a little, you will win a little or lose a little.� If one is willing to take a huge chance, the possible reward will be huge!�� All of it goes back to having the COURAGE to take the chance.� I myself am sometimes unwilling to take chances....maybe I need to change that.�� This can be related to work, life and Love.� I think Love is the most important one to me...it's the one I've been without the longest.� Of course I receive love from my family but I need love with a significant other.� Ive been trying to take more chances lately...hopefully it will pan out.�

How long does one stay where they know they were not ment to be? How long does one go on missing the one who really loved them and protected them? How long does no trust in anyone last?

this is the first one and will probably be the shortest due to the fact that i have started this close to the end of the day.� the husband will be home soon and of course i will have to get off the computer and try to have some kind of civil interaction with him and the kids.�

a little background on me....� i'm a 30 something mom of three girls.� i do have a full time, decent paying job but am home bound right now on short term disability due to having had surgery almost two weeks ago.� i've been stuck in this house.� and recently all our financial troubles came to light to the husband.� things i had been trying to take care of on my own and not having to worry him about.� things that quickly got out of my control and now may cost us our house.� so now he knows my dirty little secret and even though he tries to act like nothings wrong, i know at this point he despises me.� ok.� maybe that's not entirely true.� i think he should despise me.� i'm disgusted by myself.� so pretty much the electric�company will be disconnecting our service at any given moment, the landlord will be starting the eviction process probably this weekend.� and our vehicle will be repossessed sometime between now and next week.� i'm not looking for anyone to feel sorry for me.� i realize that i brought this on myself.� i just needed to put down somethings that i obviously can't say to him.� because even though he tries to act like he doesn't hate me i know that at the very least he resents me and i've come to the point where i don't feel comfortable talking to him about anything.� my thoughts and feelings at this point aren't worth a grain of sand.� i put us in this position.� i have been on the phone all day trying to work some things out.� i think i have accomplished a couple of things.� i just feel like such a failure.�

so now i'm almost two weeks out from my surgery.� i had my post op yesterday.� the doctor asked me if i wanted to go back to work.� i almost said yes just for the simple fact that i am so sick of being stuck in this house.� i'm not even alone, a family member of my husband's lives with us.� one i have never gotten along with well.� and who likes to take over the house like it's his and i'm just a squatter.� yes, this is our house and HE lives with US.� he pays rent now and then.� but this is MY�house.� not his.� his favorite thing to do is to wait till i go in the living room to watch tv, then come and sit in the living room and talk on his cell phone.� now mind you, our living room tv is a 57 inch tv we were given for christmas and it's the only tv that thas this digital converter on it.� he has a digital converter in his room but he broke his remote so he comes in the living room because of that and the fact that we have that huge obnoxious tv.� i feel like he does the things he does just to irritate me.� my husband says its just because he has no respect for women because he's allowed both his wives and both his daughters to treat his like he's a piece of trash.� and he also believes that everyone owes him.� he alone lost everything he owned and we were gracious enough to take him in after his daughter threw him out for the same things he's doing to me now.� but because he is not my family member, i have no say in the matter.� i have always said i don't want him living here.� but it's never been up to me.� and now unfortunatly we have gotten into the financial situation we are in and we need his money... no matter how or when we get it.�

i think that at this vary moment, my main problem is that i'm sick of being stuck in the house,�hungry, and lonely.� i don't really have a whole lot of pain still from my surgery.� there are times it does hurt, if i over do it or what not.� i already take anti-deppressants but i'm starting to wonder if i'm slipping into a depression that my meds won't help.� i've heard that its easy for people who are home bound after a major surgery to fall into a depression.� i was told that it happened to one of my family members though i never saw any signs from them.� i only know what i was told by their spouse.� i just feel like i've screwed everything up AGAIN as usual.� i feel like a failure.� like i've let down my family and my friends.� my friends that have tried to help me get out of my destructive behavior only to get right back to where i was.� right now i feel like taking a few vicodin and a xanax or two and just zoning out the rest of the day.� i've been on the phone with creditors screaming at me, telling me what a useless piece of crap i am.� only to call my husband upset by them and have him tell me that he agrees with them.� this has been a pretty jacked up day.� i have no clue what we will have for dinner.� but i think i'm just going to go to bed.� i know he will take care of them.� i just don't have the energy to deal with anything more today.......

I copypasta'd it from another place. It's unedited. I'm sure you'll get over it.

���� Well, Its been awhile since my last entry.� The roomies are about to move out.� I just havent had the consistency that I�needed out of them...and I have had my fill of animals here lately.� they have a boxer that drives me crazy because it likes to piss all over my carpet.� Whenever they move out, they wont have to worry about my carpet...I WILL.� Even though I need the money that they DO�give me, I am ready to have my own house back!� So begins a new chapter...what I really need is a good woman who is responsible to live with.� NO MORE�CASUAL�ROOMMATES!

I've decided an online journal is most likly the best for me. Considering my mother will read anything and everything that looks like it belongs to me. I've started journals many many times. I've either forgot about the whole journal idea because it felt more like an obligation then a relaxation techniquie. Or my journal was found, read, and gotton shoved in my face because of the words i write. Shouldn't a journal be something that is completly yours? Shouldn't it be somewhere you can just spill your blood, guts, and feelings into? If i ever get an answer, i'll tell write down in this neat little online-journal.

Besides all the nonsense�of starting my journal...

It's been 2 days since i was dismissed from Children's Mercy Hospital. Gah, i hate saying 'children's mercy' i feel like i'm so young and helpless, like i have no expericance with anything. I relize i'm 14 years young, but i still can't help but be angery about not being able to make all of my desisions. Any whos. The doctors didn't find anything else wrong with me (of course, they never do), except for EGD. Which we've known about for a while, and thought be had it under control. Guess not. They sent me home with yet another medication to try. As if i'm a helpless animal that they test anything on. The pain is overwhelming most of the time. I sometimes get relief, but mostly just pain. No one belives the pain i go through.

[insert best friend's name]�is semi-supportive of me. But latly i've been doing alot of thinking...The week i was in the hospital i called her to tell her and she said 'sorry..' and then spoke of nothing but herself, and her crushes, her friends, her great life. It made me sick. It's not that i want her to be 'omfg. blah blah blah are you okay?!?!?!? blah blah blah omg!' I just wanted her to agknowledge me in some way. Say 'i hope you get better' or 'i wish you luck'. That exact thing happened with [insert friend's name].

And they are all i have. And i just lost them. Sure i have [insert a buddy's name], kinda, she's to caught up in 'Audrey' or 'Aubrey' or...something... She talks about her so offen i try to block her words out. So. i'm down to...... well.....Me.

I know people say 'im so alone! i have no one!' and they have like 2 billions friends waiting on AIM to talk to them.�But, in this case I don't have anyone. I havn't 'hung out' with someone in...like....3 and a half weeks. I know that doesn't sound like much but, when you're in pain constantly, being with people you loves gives a little band-aid to me. I hate talking about this. I don't understand why i even think about this sort of thing.

My sister and mom persuaded me into reading 'Twilight'. And that was probly the best thing at could happen to me, and the worst.�I'm on page 197 and i've figured out 27% of myself. It's so scary how one book, one movie, one person can change someone so easy. Why i say the worst is that i've been paying attention to myself more and more. And i scare myself sometimes. At times I think i'm just a hair-obsessed teenage girl, at others.... i think i'm more than a teenage girl trying to find friends. I'm something else...but i can't find it. I dig and strugle to figure it out, but i have no luck. My face is burning with red anger. I hate it when i don't know things. That's silly, isn't it? Because i don't know ALOT of things. No one can know everything. I'm aware of that, i just hate it when something is put in front of me and i don't know the answer or the thing it's hiding.

I guess that's life huh?

Hello and welcome to my blog! In this post, I will be introducing myself and what this blog is all about. =] So, I guess I should talk about myself first, huh? Well . . . my name is Natasha. I'm a seventeen-year-old high school Senior. I love writing, singing, blogging, reading Tarot, and hosting talk shows. I will be hosting talk shows on a site called TalkShoe under the username GarrulousNatasha often. I'll post links soon, I hope. =]

This blog is one of a hundred. I'm doing something that I don't think anyone has ever done before: use one hundred blogs at once. I'm calling it the "100 Blog Challenge." That basically is having one hundred blogs on one hundred different sites. The same thing will be posted per site. However, certain sites have unique features which I will do independently. When I add new things to those blogs, I will post about it at the end of the entry. Of course, if they are little things asking what I'm doing, I will not notify people of those changes since it's something casual and not too important.

I was supposed to start my blogs at the end of August or beginning of September. So I have been keeping my journal since August 31st. So I will post them in groups of weeks. So don't be surprised when you see older entries. I was just having trouble getting all the sites ready and I was so busy with school. I won't be able to post daily, but I will try to post often. As time goes on, I will stop using certain sites. My ultimate goal is to find the best of the best for blogging sites. As I cut down on sites, then the more I will be able to post.

My blogs will not only be journals about my life, but I will also post things you might like to know. Sometimes I will post blogs about things you might not care about. I like to be funny, so expect humor. =] If you post a comment, I will try to get back to you. I can't promise it, though. Because it's easier to comment people back when I receive e-mails saying I have received a comment. Some sites do not offer this so if you comment me on one of those sites, I will try to get back to you but I can't promise that. =[

If you have blogs elsewhere and would like to see my blog there, let me know. I have some popular sites like MySpace, LiveJournal, Xanga, and many mean others! So feel free to ask me if I have a blog on a certain site. If you'd like a list of all my blogs, just let me know. I also have sites that are popular but do not offer blogs. This way, I can keep in contact with my . . . fans; assuming I'll get them one day. =P I'll try to post links to my other blogs and sites from time-to-time. I also have Yahoo, MSN, and AIM if you would care to chat with me there.

I'm sure I'll make changes to this post as time evolves. If I do change it, I will link to it from other posts for everyone to view. But, I will also most likely post what I have changed. =P You will notice that I make things bold, italicized, and I will underline things too. This is what each means in my blog posts (in my blog . . . grammar usage of them does not apply =P):
Bold = Something important that you should pay attention to; titles and such.
Italics = Something that I'm putting emphasis on . . . sort of like in literature.
Underline = Something that I want to point out; I won't be emphasizing it, and it won't be as important as something in bold but it is something I'd like to point out.

If you'd like to contact me, you can send me a message (depending which site you're at) or e-mail me. I have three different e-mail addresses, but I mostly check GarrulousNatasha@Yahoo.com. I hope you guys take care! Thanks and bye! XD

~Natasha, The Garrulous Lady

P.S. "The" isn't supposed to be capitalized. But, in my case, it is like a title. =P Because I am The Garrulous Lady.

Garrulous - Talking much, especially about unimportant things.

���� Well, another boring, rainy Thursday at work.� this is the first of 6 days in a row.� I hate it when I have to work the whole damn weekend.� Granted, having days off in the midle of the week are fun and relaxing, but this all weekend shit has GOT to go.� I have yet to get my first activation, but I have had some renewals.� what sucks though, is that it is almost halfway through the month!!� anyways, I hope things will turn out better.....Plus, it DOEs help that I have roomies now!

c