i can't figure out why it is that he's now in charge and taken over everything ......� which he says is going to all work out....� yet i still feel the world crashing down around my ears....� i feel like the world is laughing at me cus im a huge freaking joke of a human being.� the baby came home for good today.� i wonder if i'm up to it..... though when the mood hits him he takes care of everything himself.� it's just that the mood comes and goes....� i've done nothing but sleep or cry all day.....� i guess now that its actually a normal time to sleep i'll take something to help and go to bed....
this is the first one and will probably be the shortest due to the fact that i have started this close to the end of the day.� the husband will be home soon and of course i will have to get off the computer and try to have some kind of civil interaction with him and the kids.�
a little background on me....� i'm a 30 something mom of three girls.� i do have a full time, decent paying job but am home bound right now on short term disability due to having had surgery almost two weeks ago.� i've been stuck in this house.� and recently all our financial troubles came to light to the husband.� things i had been trying to take care of on my own and not having to worry him about.� things that quickly got out of my control and now may cost us our house.� so now he knows my dirty little secret and even though he tries to act like nothings wrong, i know at this point he despises me.� ok.� maybe that's not entirely true.� i think he should despise me.� i'm disgusted by myself.� so pretty much the electric�company will be disconnecting our service at any given moment, the landlord will be starting the eviction process probably this weekend.� and our vehicle will be repossessed sometime between now and next week.� i'm not looking for anyone to feel sorry for me.� i realize that i brought this on myself.� i just needed to put down somethings that i obviously can't say to him.� because even though he tries to act like he doesn't hate me i know that at the very least he resents me and i've come to the point where i don't feel comfortable talking to him about anything.� my thoughts and feelings at this point aren't worth a grain of sand.� i put us in this position.� i have been on the phone all day trying to work some things out.� i think i have accomplished a couple of things.� i just feel like such a failure.�
so now i'm almost two weeks out from my surgery.� i had my post op yesterday.� the doctor asked me if i wanted to go back to work.� i almost said yes just for the simple fact that i am so sick of being stuck in this house.� i'm not even alone, a family member of my husband's lives with us.� one i have never gotten along with well.� and who likes to take over the house like it's his and i'm just a squatter.� yes, this is our house and HE lives with US.� he pays rent now and then.� but this is MY�house.� not his.� his favorite thing to do is to wait till i go in the living room to watch tv, then come and sit in the living room and talk on his cell phone.� now mind you, our living room tv is a 57 inch tv we were given for christmas and it's the only tv that thas this digital converter on it.� he has a digital converter in his room but he broke his remote so he comes in the living room because of that and the fact that we have that huge obnoxious tv.� i feel like he does the things he does just to irritate me.� my husband says its just because he has no respect for women because he's allowed both his wives and both his daughters to treat his like he's a piece of trash.� and he also believes that everyone owes him.� he alone lost everything he owned and we were gracious enough to take him in after his daughter threw him out for the same things he's doing to me now.� but because he is not my family member, i have no say in the matter.� i have always said i don't want him living here.� but it's never been up to me.� and now unfortunatly we have gotten into the financial situation we are in and we need his money... no matter how or when we get it.�
i think that at this vary moment, my main problem is that i'm sick of being stuck in the house,�hungry, and lonely.� i don't really have a whole lot of pain still from my surgery.� there are times it does hurt, if i over do it or what not.� i already take anti-deppressants but i'm starting to wonder if i'm slipping into a depression that my meds won't help.� i've heard that its easy for people who are home bound after a major surgery to fall into a depression.� i was told that it happened to one of my family members though i never saw any signs from them.� i only know what i was told by their spouse.� i just feel like i've screwed everything up AGAIN as usual.� i feel like a failure.� like i've let down my family and my friends.� my friends that have tried to help me get out of my destructive behavior only to get right back to where i was.� right now i feel like taking a few vicodin and a xanax or two and just zoning out the rest of the day.� i've been on the phone with creditors screaming at me, telling me what a useless piece of crap i am.� only to call my husband upset by them and have him tell me that he agrees with them.� this has been a pretty jacked up day.� i have no clue what we will have for dinner.� but i think i'm just going to go to bed.� i know he will take care of them.� i just don't have the energy to deal with anything more today.......
ok.....� so it hit me that there was something else i need to get out today.....so i had this "friend"....� and i thought that she was a normal, wonderful girlfriend.� She has breast cancer.� we went through a couple of scares since i have known her but she has been very blessed and has been healed of all the inoperable issues that she was told she had.� My kids were friends with her kids before we were friends.� our daughters were best friends and my daughter would spend days at their house. even after her son and my daughter became bf/gf, i trusted her enough to still allow my daughter to spend the night there.� her family and my girls all went to the same church.� that is how they met.� due to circumstances unknown to me, she decides that its in her families best interest to change churches.� she lets me know that they are changing and that in her opinion i shouldn't let my kids go to that church any more either.� that she would be happy to pick them up and drop them off if they wanted to go to her new church.� i told her that i didn't have any problem with them going to church with her if that's what they wanted.� so one night she decides that she's going to take them to church with her.� only they have already been dropped off and their church.� because of our previous conversation, she comes to the conclusion that it will be ok for her to go to their church and pick them up.� which she does and in the process causes a huge scene.� but she didn't take all my kids and she didn't just take the one that is friends with her daughter.�� she takes the one that's friends with her daughter and my youngest.� who is still in a car seat.....� in a car that is not made to carry that many people and that does not have a car seat.....
ok� they are yelling at me to finish dinner.....�
to be continued.......
so to continue...� she was able to take my oldest and yougest from the church to her new church...� my oldest had no idea what was going on and only went with her because she was told that her dad told them to pick her up.� being this was the day before i was supposed to have surgery, she was afraid that something was wrong with me.� and she chose to take her baby sister with her because of the fact that she had her with her at church and thought she was doing the right thing keeping the little one with her.� but somehow in all this i have been played out to be the crazy bad guy.� she has deleted me from all her social networking sites and cut off our friendship.� so now this is a person that at one time i considered my friend but now would only refer to her as an acquaintance.
as far as friends go, after my surgery i had a surprise delivery of groceries and odds and ends from a mystery friend.� I had another couple of friends bring me ice cream and movies.� I had a visit from a friend today with a dp and necessities that we need.� These are friends.� the ones who at the very least post on�my facebook every couple of days checking on me.� I have learned from this that i have the best friends ever.� and that really i don't need anymore friends.� the ones i have a more than wonderful and love and care about me more than i probably deserve.� So i will live my life with the beautiful, wonderful, loving friends god has blessed me with and everyone else from now on will be acquaintances.�
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