I think god works in strange ways. you know why i think so? because when the whole world tells me to go after this 19 year old who has constantly flirted with me and i will add that he is friends with my sisters boyfriend he is the guy i always find myself crying over. Recently i was cheated on and i have been looking for someone who would understand that and i really thought it was him. So, many things we've said to each other that made it seem that him and i would maybe work. He called me beautiful instead of hott, he always i.ms trying to catch my attention but, he flirts with my friend amanda too. I know what you're thinking - WELL OBVIOUSLY, if hes flirting with your friend that hes a total manwhore. Yes people i am aware of that but, when he flirts with her its more of a "i wanna fuck around with you attitude". But..when hes talk to me it's more of a deep conversation where its like he has respect for me. I really dont know. So, anyways how i found out he was like this was last night while we were sitting inside the place where he worked. His friend said to him "Man, you gotta stop tryna get wit all these girls." and my heart dropped. you know that feeling in your chest like you wanna cry and scream and your so mad? Well, that was running through my body. So, what shocked me the most was his response "They dont care." Like he has NO respect for girls. So, then�i think�back to all the conversations we've had....and i just sat there and looked away and i was just silent. What more could i do? Im so sick of getting hurt. That pain is just so overwhelming it affects everything and not having anyone to confide in when the rest of the world was against you when YOU yourself was the victim it hurts..I remember every night for the past 2 and a half weeks i cried myself to sleep. I couldnt be alone, or that pain would just overwhelm me like, i couldnt even control myself. None, even gave a shit all they did was talk about me and how being depressed was STUPID?.. When i say that human beings are disgusting and vile im not lying. theyre so vindictive(sp?) and selfish and so ignorant that all they think about is themselves and they find ways to bring people down out of jealousy or maybe just because theyre hateful people. But then that leaves the 11% of the world that care about other people and are so understanding and good. I wish we could just unite because i know that that would be pure peace. Anyways, so i always get these vibes from people, you know? like if they were bad people or good people or�maybe a misunderstood person like myself. So, the vibe i got from James, well truth is i never really cared what vibe i got just loved him he was so amazing i just found myself liking him and didnt care what vibes i got. So, back to the situation, a few nights ago he told me about his ex. How she used him, cheated on him, and she hurt him. That reflected on how he said 'they dont care' like he wanted to get back on girls for how how much hurt he felt? If you could understand that. Maybe, he was still hurting inside and getting with girls made him feel better or better yet that he tried to take that pain away or make it subside like the pain i had that hurtful pain. Sometimes, i understand people well thats a lie ALL THE TIME I UNDERSTAND PEOPLE. I understand how they act, what resulted to them acting like that. My fear is that im wrong maybe Amanda was right 'hes 19! what do you expect?' but, if you've been cheated on..wouldnt you have learned already??.. I dont know.�i am so confused sometimes i dont even know what im saying. UGHHHH. Lets see what happens in the future, i might as well stay away from him. Its the best thing to do..right?
So, it's been another boring, tiring, exhausting, and pretty exciting monday for me. Usually its just a monday where i go to school,do work, go home, and�occasionally go to elegantes to get a peanut butter cookie. Anyways, well my health conscious is taking over me again and its getting worse plus my mom wont bring me to the doctor =[. I want an answer already to ease my suffering mind. My mom told me thats he wouldnt be able to take me to the doctor until January lucky me. Whatever, i might as well face the truth or maybe its not the truth -_- =. O.K so, today was pretty interesting. My face was looking tanner then ever, BLAH. English went pretty good for me except for the fact that i didnt study for my quiz that i forgot i had so, i was completely fucked. I think i might've gotten around the 80's since we only had to memorize 10 words and i did pretty good i remembered 8 of them. So, after english spanish was super boring. studio art was the same where Taylor talked talked talked talked about her drinking and partying and Darrick well..whatever he does on his weekends and Griffin wasnt there AGAIN. Study hall was pretty fun i must say since i actually had someone that wasnt trying to make me feel stupid AHEM jessica. Karen was there and she actually made me feel...hmm whats the word? oh, wanted. thats what i love about Karen she could just make my day without her even realizing that i even needed her to do that but, shes not my savior with a golden heart just there for me when i need atleast some warmth in my heart. So, I talked to James today and well..it was finally an on-going conversation that ended like whats up? nothing much you? nothing much. oh cool. It actually went on for a pretty long time. He works a lot it seems like since hes a firefighter kinda scary though, risking your lives every minute of the day, well not technically, i dont know. So, theres this kid Russel, well hes not gonna lie pretty interesting. He's quiet, mysterious, and hes cute. The only time i really talked to him was when he asked me for a pencil and he looked totally not interested. UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. the only thing really on my mind is this stupid condition i may or may not have its looking like i dont have it. since i looked at my moms scalp and it looked exactly like mine. OH MAN. i cant type anymore im just done. i need to go to the doctor.
Again�& again i see myself just breaking down every single�day Not crying just becoming more non-emotional.�I really dont get it anymore? Ever since 8th grade everything has been just so..horrible? I mean its like life sees me happy for one minute and they just say "oh no bri's happy we should do something to make her unhappy". Basically thats how i feel 24/7. My group is starting to fall apart even more now we're in highschool. Theres no more hope for me and them we will just have to go on our seperate ways. Maybe, their part in my story is over. Except for jess, she realizes now what i was going through in Middle school. Theresa and the other jess just dont seem to understand how they make us feel so horrible inside like we're not even wanted. That is why i stay as far away from them as possible. My skin hasn't been working with me lately which really sucks. I went to the dermatologist last week on wednesday and told me i had Seborrheic Dermatitis. Sounds scary right? Yes, i know when i heard what it was i wanted to just kill myself but, my mom searched through my scalp and told me again, i was misdiagnosed. my face was the only place where the dryness took place. My scalp was perfect no icky dandruff that looks like rotten eggs with cheese asdfghjkl :(!! Did i mention that i really hate doctors??? Well, i do. I've spent days searching up what i could have and i found the perfect answer Allergic Contact Dermatitis. Looked up pcitures and it was an exact match. Im guessing 3 possible things�that could've damaged my skin number 1: This 1 i am 96% sure that i might've got it from this the Aveeno Moisturizer that my friend gave me when i asked her for something to take away my dry skin. After two and a half days of using it i felt this rash start to appear. My other�4 percent im not particulary sure. But, i know that Seborrheic Dermatitis most of the time has really ugly dandruff and my dandruff is totally normal. Im crazy and i see things but my mother my sis and my friends tell me its perfectly normal so, im going with what they say because i'll see things and drive myself crazy cause im just too health counscious. But anyways, before i start driving myself crazy again seeing things that arent really there. I need to vent so much since i havent been really stable. A few months ago my sister and i well - correction basically my sister found a site my dad was registered to and found out he was gay. & my sister told my mom and my mom was just hysterical crying. saying how he wasted 15 years of her life. and blah. i blocked the rest out because i couldnt really listen anymore. I always felt my dad regreted me.. i dont know why. The feeling of regret and i dont know. My hearts been so black and not emotional that i really block everything out so, i dont cry myself to sleep with that aching pain in my chest. In the beginning of the year Alex..hmm my ex boyfriend..? so weird to say now since it's december now almost christmas CRAZY. Well, anyways back to what i was saying.. Alex wow, he has changed so dramatically since he cheated on me i dont even recognize who he is anymore honestly. hes an exact copy of kenneth. We havent talked since september. Everyday i see him well, most of the time i see him except for times i luckily run down the hallway not being able to see either of them - Melissa and Alex. 2 people i really love to avoid since so many memories come back that i've blocked out and just think of it as 'it never happened'. Anyways, he cheated on his recent girlfriend and hes going out with Savanna. Well, im guessing? Hes become a 'player'. Trust me thats not the Alex i once knew. Alex, was a sweet, shy, funny guy who loved acting and being himself. But, i always knew there was a side to Alex. Everything changing so quickly its like a blur to me. I mean im going crazy too. After being (hopefully) misdiagnosed i've been crazy. i need to see a doctor for my skin this is getting ridiculous i just need answers to my questions, really. WHY AM I SO HEALTH-CONSCIOUS UGH. ANYONE OUT THERE PLEASE ANSWER MY QUESTIONS!!
Bri.
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