chanduliar's Journal

Apr 2007
1:25 AM CST

I have left this site and went to live journal. Please visit me there. Thansk everyone. 47
www.chanduliar.livejournal.com

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Apr 2007
8:54 AM CST

So.. this dude from class he still buggin me a little but I mean .... It has to be him? I guess I more ticked off cause he thinks I should be in an inpatience hospital. i don't know but it still fucks with me.Also I have been thinking about me counsler AMIEE... with her cup of what evre she is drinking. Alswasy nodding her head and sitting all pretty... This whole thing is stressin me out I guess... Soon ward to other things .. Yesterday I was in a god mood. I went shopping. Got furniture... but I had a head ach. Adn thursday I had a head ack and today also.. i don't knw if it is computer or what but it is driving me nuts. So I went shopping and got a little weird toward the evening timeYou know when you hair on yur back or neck feels like it is growing and turns in to an animal or something i knw it weird but i had to get home and Was very sad of sorts. I just thought well I crash out which didn't happen till 4 or 5 while my friends were at my house. And start the day new tomarrow. Which is today well, Today is worst then yesterday. O woke up to maple sauge smell which didn't bother but when i was talking w/ my roomate whichi haven't seen since last week.... I got the feeling that he doesn't like living with me. this set the mood for the day. I just wanted to cry so bad and i don't know why. Not like he was being rude or anything but it hurt my feeling to the point even writing makes me want to cry. So ... I told no one who is ther to tell. So I stay in my mind again. Well... after that most of the day i have been very hyper sentive.my thoughts about Tobey and Chase(My little girl) everything is just sad, and my mind is like makeing list of this and that of what I need to do but I don't the energy or the will.. definatinally got the want but just going up the stairs at my friends house just made my body want to pass out or at least just fall to the ground and lay there and cover my eyes and cry cry cry... For what ...? hmmm Sad I know ... but if you look at me walking down the streeet.. you see a perfectly matching girl frm her dog clothes to what she is wearning makeup .. everything looks cute. but inside i I feel like a dyiing and rotten prune. So ... What to do i stcck in my head

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2 comment(s) - 12:17 AM - 04/16/2007

Apr 2007
7:45 PM CST

Well,I back as they say,andIt looks as if I haven't wrote in bout two months.Well sorry to the readers but I been an emotional wreak. You know this already man....! So I am in thearpy, It been... ummm.. not so much hard but lets say.....uniquely different. All w/ the people and just graping a hold on the experience of the life turning, world changing eventI have embarked my selfupan. So this is the first week and i have cried everyday,just like any other day.So I have this counsler that i just met last week, in whichI thoughtI was going tohave this other girl, for sercuity reasons lets call my counsler AAMIE, and NowI letting all the feeling andI doing all this talking and.... it like whoaaa!!! Hold up nelly... beforeI know Itaking a drug test and telling her crap thats like "Hey, where crystal go" I don't talk expecally to a stranger that is a girl. But hey what a girl going to do? this is soppost to be what the saying life changing. All in all it been good,I think.. I might not even know what I have gotten my self into. So I go three times a week and in this wek I have group everytime and 1 one on one w/ AAMIE. Well today group was difficault mostly because when I went in to do my one on one w/ AAMIE she started the day by mind fucking me. She does this well.... I must say casueI sat at the daily grind for the next three hours trippin and then group and This one guy that I sat next to one the first day... Which in my world would of been the guy i bonded w/ first just causehe quite and you can see he is a thinker... I don't know something about him Anyways He go to do his check in and He start to say how he had this extremly bad bad and That One reaso is cause of Me!! Yes I know MEEEEE!!! CauseI share I was in the club and gave a little of my background... yada yad yada... So it was hard seeing this butI should be use to it causeFirst judge ment... I hate this... Iwas pissed but yet I didnot say nothig I sure something will come of this more later in the weeks to come. I relate to all but .. Still no one close to being like me so We will seee I will be chatting throughtout the weekend. 47 ( my time entry is going to expire) late

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Feb 2007
9:11 PM CST

Has anyone ever had a Monogamous Plutonic Plutonic sex Partner. Well Guys and tem not dealing with the lables.Of bf/gf? Wy do we us women have to have them. I know wit me it gives me the self satifaction that I am and we are moving in a forward motion. TOgether!!! Selfishness along with greed... seem to kill a man everytime. If I was that was selfish and yes some ways I am but not like my "homeboy" or jusr men in general.But really, If we were even close to a mind frame like them not only would be be mean to each other like we already are, but it be a bucnh of she devile running around burrning up the world.

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Jan 2007
12:54 AM CST

Well, I add a couple writings. hope you guys like. Back to vegas I just got n friday. Mom pick me up. I know can you belive it. I ws a better day for us. Anyways I was leaving out last wesnday and i was leaving out of gate 47. Which is weirs causi sign papers with that number and back in the day when there was pagers, that was my number, IT always just been a number i use 4 letters in love and 7 in my name crystal. I just thought that was a sign that i need to go to vegas. haha Dancing in vegas is nothing like houston. I hate dancing I probably wouldn't well I know I would not be in this situation is I had not stop dancing but it like smoking you just stop. Enough is enough. yoiu know what I mean. I feel like crap today. Sick wise not emotionaly. I haven't been sick like this in a while. what else? Oh yea livin with a rooate. I don't know if it is me but this girl love her forever but... she always seem like she hiding something kinda like my ex did. And i catch lies, Why? Goes back to an earlyier post i put in about girlsand how we are toword one another. I know whay women can't rule the planet cause we all can't be nice and honest and just get alone with one another. God put men here to for ... well i can't think of anything! haha later

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Jan 2007
12:42 AM CST

I wish this poem were pixie dust To throw into your eyes And make you see the loveliness Beneath my sad disguise. And I would take you in my arms And weave a magic spell That I could utter anytime To make you love me well. But alas my simple words Are like summer rain That drums on hills and fields and hearts, Then vanishes again. And though my love might make you bloom, You turn with fragile grace To gaze in aching loneliness At someone else's face. We lust for what we cannot have, A long, unbroken chain Of lovers who remain unloved And loved who love in vain. While I'm near mad with wanting you As trees must have the sun, You cannot help but find a love Who loves another one.

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Jan 2007
12:39 AM CST

There's beauty in the barest breath of sunshine, Wasted on all but those who know despair. Each wound turns passions just a bit more grey, Not adding new nor taking old away, Trading joy for something far less fair, Yet turning grace to something far more fine. For such, there is a winding of the way In which a bleakness, soon become a sign, Vividly undoes the dying day, Evoking longings one can hardly bear.

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Jan 2007
5:58 PM CST

I love vegas. it the only plac I feel at peace. why i have no clue i always dream of being a show girl here. when I was little but now all I see is oppertinty, i see things her i could do w/o being a dancer I happier here. Why is that? It not inlike my star sitys or anything i don't knwo I just wanted to remind my self that I LOVE VEGAS!!

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Jan 2007
3:25 AM CST

Well, IT a calm wek so far? Monday was hell and emotional but I got throught it. NOt one of my best days. SO the girls are acting a little better. I talk to tobey for the first time in 3 1/2 monthsThere isn't enought time in the world to have all my questions answered. So much time and emotions between us to even have a convo. HE not a writer but he should be maybe he would know his feeling better or something. Hell i don't know wishful thinking. He did get carli a present for her b-day.He says in his letter to her that he is sorry but i don't know what he sorry for not being here on her b-day or not ever being here at all. Or Which I know he hasn't thought ofis he sorry for chooing a drug over his family. I so confused about him and what he has done to me, he doesnt know. I try to write him and tell him but his anger changes my word in his head. I think. Maybe I wierd cause of everything that has happened i don't know it to early in the moring to worriy about this. Will write again this evening after I get some work done

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Jan 2007
4:31 PM CST

I really just don't understand why us girls are the way we are to one another. i really hope i might get some feeed back on this. OK ... I have the group/click/ whateva you call it And the oneI been friends with the longest is and has been acting really really weird. She doesnt come to my house when I here only when my cuzin here. She doesn't answer my calls but is nice as hell when she is in front of me. If we have problem with one another but are smeemingly small why don't we just say something I knoqw I would. So I already did that and she make excuse that make no since like "I never had a problem" like really what is up. Even my cuzin acts like she knows about it but doesn't speak. I been pondering this all day.

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Jan 2007
6:12 AM CST

Eyes of an opal sea stone.Like When sun hits water it shines in love and hope in a million rays across an endless ocean.That just when he turns around Greens, Purpls, blues brilliantly place with in the windows of layered soul.Even in the deep morbid black of the years past, It shines looking for a connection of light.

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Jan 2007
6:10 AM CST

Don't look at the sun. Cover you eyes, shade you face, and keep tring to look for me behind those glasses. Keep your head up. Look to the sky, feel the heat from the flames of fire that so far away you can't touch me. A loss of sight and feeling cast shades of empty blacks and deep blues on a infante night I shine. Its easy to lose yourself in pure Crystal Stars casted across a calming internal sky by my soul protecter. Pure Crystal are so fragial that they chip a way in not taken care of.Hold one carefully, Such a divin miniral,All you need is one ray of light,that you hide your eyes from. Hold your crystalized piece up in a golden beam, and watch the colors fall like round bottem heavey raindrops in the calm of the storm. Lost in so many colors that run from deep with in a turbulant rivier, that has washed over my eyes. Here is my direction, He can turn liquid skittle into holy water. It so pure no mortal can see. As I wwatch this tital wave move into the horzion of loss and shame, It clear a elegant palett of glitter blues and dull sivers and coffen black. I sit with luner, but you can't see me. A crystal so pure you can see straight through. I over here looking down on you while your looking up with your eyes coverd. 47

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Jan 2007
3:14 PM CST

Well the battle still going with my mother, SHe has taken a lot of time away from me with my daughter and nothing has been resolved. NO e- mail or anything I do wonder if it is me, what am I doing wrong? NO one can really answer that but that is the question I ask my self everyday. On a plus side I did find a quite funny answer to my problem of no car no home ordeal. it called the "Excutive" and A 19 late 70 early 80 windabago. Now that is just way ko0l! It green like the 70's hippy green but with a liitle minight blue replacement and oil and love hehehe I bet it would be really really ko0l like killing to birds with one stone. SO we will see not really the everyday driving

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Jan 2007
6:08 AM CST

? I hate this feeling. This internal feeling you have giving me. Feeling of morning, Cause I lost so much. Acting out of revenge, cause by the rage you have left in me. Wanting to go physico due to all the confusion in my mind. I cry cause of all the love in my heart is so deep, you only see a dark hole. Did you hear the broken aarow fall, Sag. Do you see the blood drain? Comforably num, Illisons or they dreams? I lost and everything seems foggy, I can't see you anymore. I can't feel you electric fingertips any more. You promised you never let me go! You promised so I trusted you. Waiting........... With this Interal feeling you left me with.?

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Jan 2007
1:41 PM CST

Well I am glad to find this site. I be using it to help my self deal wioth my hyper sentive emotions. And maybe my momand I can communicate better. Which hopefully will help me end up communicating with friend and hopefully my man if he ever comes. And all in all hope fully get some feed back from the world that I hope will help. You are in the matural.

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Dec 2006
5:18 PM CST

Yea ... I now it Carli ,then it was Chad, then before that it was michelle. I have never been your main concern. Oh school ... that was first which I accepted then but why you go if you don't want to wor? YOU could of been there. You break promises... you say one thing do another!! I hate broken words of promise. I understand what is done is done. with you school/working choices that doesn't mean that it doesn't affect us. Or that they still do. Yes I am bitter angry mad really a completely differnt person now. YOU and TOBEY did this to me. I have no trust in anyone. I not going to talk to anyone, and nobody is who they are. This is me and this is how I feel. The club has had it days on me also. Which you can't even fathem the shit I seen and been through. I don't get you when you say you want to talk to tobey in jail. That your tring to understand? Well IT kinda late why didn't you do tis when there was a chance to change and save or what ever..... back then!! I don't get it when you can know every thing bout your friends and your club yet haven't taken that same effort into us. It like you just throu your hands up in the air on us and gave up. I know you know people who did this and how is makes you feel, hmmmmm..... I wonder I I feel When evryone has done this to me and now it is starting with Carli, YOu know I was stuck in TAmpa Last weekend Cause this fuking Docter boyfriend I thought was going to be really good for us instead ended up being one of the most meanest...unrespectful .... thought he was going to fukin rape me in downtown tampa cause he was druck or whatever his excuse was ... I ws stuck ther mom with nobody to call in an airport that I had to talk the driver into taken me there for fre cause I have no wallet or ID. NOW YOU DEAL WITH THAT, YOU just don't get it mom. YOU will never get it. I know you try some days, but ther are also other days. I was at work listing to my bosses wife talk about taken care of herself for her family and all this stuff... This is coming from a very sweet lady that make a million dollors if she get out of bed or not. Then she said something that made me stop drawing.... NEVER EMOTIONALY TIE YOUR FUTURE TO SOMEONE ELSES LACK OF ACTIONS!!!. I a a ah'ha moment. That what I been doing this whole time. DUH... and now I am hurt ia m suffing in everyway. People take my AC unit, I was being nice. The love of my life destroyed my dream of anything normal family life. Family and friend you get close to screw you over the best or leave, w/o thought. I never even seen it coming. People just have used me to the point to wear I only live for carli and me. Some days that hard. Who would of thought I be like this. people see the change in me and wonder why? Well .... they don't really fuking care they just act like they do do they can talk at you or about you. Even you have said thing I remeber to the excat word and where that hurt. This kandice thing ya'll are such BFF What ta hell is that about? Where was my BFF invite. OH yea I never got one cause of being being worried about everyone else. You said I wish my girls were more like her. Well I can bet she would be her if she went throu thease wonderful sentive emotions we have. You know everything about her and her friend and you hang w/o judgment and to me is fuck up. She is very nice but you asked so deal with it. I remeber your face when you told me allllll about her and how ou were. Happy you had a friend. I saw that but... I never seen that in you cause of or michelle. I see it w/ carli. Hell It was hard enough to get you to even belive in me on anything I do or did or wanted to do. I do think you dont even see me anymore. I wonder why you even got a myspace pace if you weren't going to check the blogs or post? what ta point. Temerarly get focus then that not your focus anymore. Just everything I ever know and who and emotions and people and everything in this word to me currently is just smoke and mirriors. It hard to understand your self when that what you see. monkey see monkey do. I refuse to raise carli in that manner. Yea I have an extrem amount of anger and resinment and the depth of hurt is unbelivable you can even see the bottem it is so deep. but Hey now you got something to think about. Crystal Light ... Cause my boss said I am in a new industry and I have to change my name. Kinda funny I thought. ?Where is that light? I thought Then I thought oh yea it behind ta mirrior.

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Username: chanduliar

Gender / Age: Female, 45

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