I'm sitting here by myself in the hotel room. Steven is downstairs working on some project downstairs in the lobby. Leaving me to be myself, im left alone with nothing else but my thoughts and feelings.
While, i'm glad to be going home back to sunny san diego (even tho i hear that its raining) i dont want to leave. I've found myself feeling so god damn comfortable. Sleeping next to him, waking up next to him- being in his arms. He makes love to me and i can do nothing but look into his eyes. I like.. no, i love the way he looks at me when he's inside me. our eyes connect and its just something special. Well, it is to me- i dont know what he thinks. He tells me i'm beautiful or how fucking hot I am. But you know men- for all i know, i could seriously just be being used for sex. It's nothing new to me- used and abused. Sometimes I wished I didnt feel. Just be able to enjoy the feeling, without having those feelings of wanting something more. Something deeper... i can't help it. i wear my fragile heart on my sleeve. I expect so much - i wish i expected NOTHING. Take it for what it is- day by day. But no.. i'm fucked up. i hurt myself.. for absolutely nothing. There's nothing for me to feel sad for. i should only be feeling happiness.. i really should. But its not like that. not at all. its that clock ticking inside of me. Wanting to know.. wished he would tell me how he felt. I can believe i even let my feelings known, and he doesnt really say anything.... not that he has to - probably haw nothing to say. Probably feels nothing- to that extend. Just enjoys my company- enjoys my body. nothing more nothing less. can't ask him- cuz he wont really answer..... i already know.
I'm watching him work across the table from him. His eyes so intense... i love his jaw line, so defined. glasses on, glasses off- he's so sexy. I really can't stand it.
It really is my fault. I'm just attracted to men who are emotionally unavailable to me when i all i want is their love. Or they are the men who show their love in ways that are unknown to me. He's already admitted he's not the romantic type of guy- and here i am, ms. hopeless romantic... mismatch in heaven? Do i just learn how to deal? I guess i have no other choice.
It's been so long since i've writtin in my journal. I am currently in Sioux Falls, South Dakota. I'm visiting Steven on his business trip. I arrived last friday (the 15th). The weather, is crazy beautiful but crazy cold. Being from southern california, it was almost like a culture shock. The land.. its so flat and covered in snow. The air is so crisp and cold.
Seeing and spending time with steven is just so friggin great. I know i was really worried and nervous about coming out here, not knowing what to expect.But things are going really well. We've gone to dinner and just spending a lot of quality time together. He's really.. growing on me. Even tho when i met him i knew i wanted to spend time with him.Sleeping next to him, waking up to him- its really something. Never in my life, have i felt so sure, so comfortable to be with someone. It always takes me a while to warm up, per se. It's kind of a shame i'm leaving in two days. I really wish i was staying until he came home. I just want to spend time with him- i miss him the second he leaves in the morning.
I arrived back in Vista around 630ish. Stopped by the bank to deposit my winnings!! I put in $300 after i spend some money on some cute lingerie for the trip and long underwear. the lingerie is soooo cute.. its black with red hearts on the bra part. Its a sheer babydoll and it clips in the front, so excellent! I cannot wait to wear it for steven..
I changed my returning flight back home to the 21st. I'm goin to stay in south dakota for almost a week, am i crazy? I must really like this guy. I've never donethis before. It kinda makes me scared. I've never spent the week, let alone.. fly almost across the country.. for someone to be with someone. I was thinking about it, and i've seen him a whole 4 times!!! And i'm already getting on a plane .....
I did an add on case today. Seth was my resident. Told me i should come party with him again like we did on his birthday. haha.. good times. Maybe i'll bring out steven with me if he's partying downtown again.. that would be sweet.
And I actually have2 cases tomorrow. granted the timing is kinda fucked up but it gives me time to get some gyros at that greek chicken place that i like and i can stop by burlington coat factory to see if they have that one coat!
So i got into vegas last night around 430ish... I met up at Melissa's house.. Gina and another one of her coworkers, Lindy came by picked up some herb...
Me and melissa had a date night! We went to the venetian- we both havent been there before.... We had a bottle of sangria and salad at some cute resturant on the canal of the shoppes. It was goooooooooooood.
Melissa won $1298 on the Fort Knox Unicorn machine. I was on the phone with Steven when she won- he was good luck!! She gave me $100 and i ended up winning $300.. momma won some moneyyyyyy . Now i can extend my trip to south dakota.. yippee! I'm also gonna buy me some thermals for the trip, cuz i know its going to be colddddd...
i havent been doing much with myself. Just been takin it easy. I finally get to do a case tomorrow.... its an easycase, and of course, its the first case of the day. lol good ol scheduing dept.
Things with Steven are good. I have plans to fly to South Dakota the weekend after Valentine's Day. I already bought my ticket, tho I might stay one more day andcome home on tuesday instead. More time with Steven.. yippee..
Today was pretty friggin boring.. hell, the whole weekend was pretty boring. Being that i got kicked out of my LVN program.... i was also kinda depressed..
I got some retail therapy at Lake Elsinore outlet mall. I bought some cute slip ons and a pair of Reef flip flops with a built in bottle opener from the shoe warehouse.. they rocked so hard.. and how can you beat 9.99 a pair?! I mean, really! That made me feel good, granted it was only temporary, but i'll take whatever i can get.
I decided on taking some classes at Miracosta college. It'll fullfill my requirements for offsetting the price of the LVN program at concorde. and will also fullfill my requirements when i do the LVN-to-BSN program too.
Steven called me for a hot second to check in, i guess. He comes home tomorrow but i probably wont see him for a while regardless. he's leaving again on the 4th for 3 days.. and then again on the 13th i believe. He said he wanted to fly me out to SD for the weekend, but he hasnt talked about it so who knows if it'll still happen. But i'll definitely be able to do it since i'm not in the nursing program anymore.
I think i might go to vegas this weekend to visit melissa. I havent told steven yet, but i'm sure he wont really care. if he's not on call, he might want to come with.
So the Dean of admissions called me to this office after i had just finished taking my midterm.... he had some bad news... i had to be unfortunately kicked out of the nursing program because of my failed drug test. He said he wishes he could bend the rules cuz he thinks its stupid, but rules are rules, and he's just the messenger... I cried while in his office, it was just so fucked up. I respect the rules, but i just think its bullshit. They should've warned me in admissions that they were gonna drug test on the first day of school instead of telling me that they were gonna test before going to clinicals. He gave me pretty good advice on things i could do. Take some community college classes to offset the price fo the program, which sounds like a good idea.
There are some positives to all this, if any.... I can still work for PRI full time at least until March.. I'm planning on taking a fast track math class... maybe a nutrition.. maybe a human development.. and maybe human anatomy and physiology class too..I'm keeping my options open.. i'm going to stop by my old schools to get official tran scripts of my records.... see what i can still do with them.. Ah.. aint nothing i can do but to suck it up and move on ......
So when i got to school.. i was sooo hoping that the results wouldn't have been there already. And they werent, but i turned in my slip.... now all i can do is wait... in agony. I dont even want to smoke, i'm so scared. So imma be stressing tomorrow.. i really hope no one comes to the classroom calling my name. We are supossed to get out of class early tomorrow.. so i'm crossing my fingers....
Steven called me to say hi in between his surgery and his meeting. Wanted to let me know he was thinking about me and that he misses me. Oh sooo sweet. He makes me so happy inside. He then called later on tonight. he said that he tried French Sangria tonight. He sounded a lil tipsy... he was being so cute. I love listening to him laugh... its so.. dorky yet so cute.
Not the best way to start the school year.. LOL...... I got about 17 textbooks and one of the very first things we were given in class was a packet regarding background checks. We were informed that we had to take a drug test, TODAY before the place closes. believe me, i freaked the fuck out. I started having heart palpatations and shit. For a lil bit, i was worried that I wouldnt even have enough time to buy a detox drink at the head shop. But one of our teachers decided that she would let us out at 12 so we would have plently of enough time. As soon as i was done, entering my information on my computer for the background check i got into my car as fast as i could. I stopped by Blues Bros and they were all out of drinks!! So i went to Vishions in Esco, walked in saying.. "i need the BEST drink u have, i gotta take a drug test in a few hours!" The dude working gave me this one drink, costs friggin $50!!! It tasted like complete SHIT... but i really hope it works. I was sweating like crazy earlier today and i threw up several times. I hope thats all part of the detox, cuz if its not, lol then that drink did not sit well in me.
Steven called me after i got home and threw up some. I had a massive headache. I had to tell him about the drug test. I felt he was disappointed, but he laughed and said.. "i guess now wouldnt be the best time to tell you not to do illegal drugs, huh?" He suggested some funny things to pass a test- like i'm really going to get someone who has clean pee.. get a catheter and put it back in my bladder.. that is just the craziest thing i have ever heard of LOL.. only a urologist would think of something like that. He was very comforting tho. I felt like crying cuz i was so stressed and just hearing his voice made me relax a little bit.
I actually woke up at almost 10 this morning; it felt really good. I really didnt know what i was going to do with myself. I ended up running errands- getting munchies and shower neccessities.
Steven called me while i was out. he didnt know if he'd be able to talk to me later because he was giving a talk. Said he was getting all dressed up and stuff. I bet he would look so handsome in a nice tailored suit. with his stylish armani glasses. mmmm very hot.
i ended up taking a nap when i got home and its just going to mess up me when i have to go to sleep. It's bad enough that i'm going to being all uppity cuz tomorrow is first day of school.
Talked to steven after dinner and he was being so cute. Things started to get a little hot..... i can't wait to see him. I want to feel his lips on mine.. feel his arms around me. it really sucks. he told me that he knew he wanted to be with me right when he saw me. Love at first sight!! he definitely felt the chemistry... i'm glad...
you really cant expect to win such a high caliber of game when your major starters are injured and can't score touchdowns in the red zone. Today's loss to the patriots was very rough. The patriots are on the verge of NFL history. and the NY giants beat the packers.. i cannot believe it. eli manning is going to the super bowl before the chargers. AARGG.. the irony and heartbreak!
So i found out that Steven is going back to south dakota in the middle of feb. He brought up the fact that i should fly out there to be with him during the weekend. i couldnt even believe it!!! Stuff u dream about i guess.. but now its becoming reality? If he's willing to foot the bill of a round trip ticket so that he can spend some time with me, how can i say no? i would LOVE the chance to spend time with him and to be locked up in a hotel room alllllll weekend long.. i could so do that, no problem!!
Tomorrow is my last day of freedom. then its back to the grind... back to school. I'm excited.. yet.. i'm dreading it lol hopefully there will be cool people in my class to make it easier!!
I was pretty bored today. There was nothing for me to do. No one to really hang out with. I decided on going up to Lake Elsinore Outlet Mall. Just as I was about to leave, Steven called me. He was being cute again; telling me he fantasized about me. I told him how gabe wanted to go to dinner. He said he was already jealous, and i told him that I didnt want to be with anyone else, and he didnt want to be with anyone else either. So we're making ground on where we stand...
I went to petite sophisticate and i found some CUTE jeans.. I went to go pay for them, i opened my wallet and my check card wasnt in there!!. Then i remembered i put them in my jean pocket from the day before. I am sooo retarded... Just then my mom called and said she left the garage open, but i dont remember the garage being opened. But i really had no choice but to go all the way back home. so that totally suckedddd.. but it was a nice drive.
I finally spoke to charisse. I havent talked to her since right before she left town for xmas. i told her all about steven she seemed to be really happy for me. All while ignoring any questions that had to deal with her mom. She's studying for finals and just can't deal with the added stress. which is definitely understandable. But it was good to finally talk and stuff. It was good times and laughs.
Today i had my orientation for my nursing program. A good turn out of people showed up. I'm really looking forward to Tuesday. I gotta find out who i'm going to be friends with in the class.
My mom totally pissed me off this morning. I was already bumming that Steven was gone and the first thing out of my mom's mouth when i come downstairs is "did he leave already?" so i replied, as bitchy and best way i know how "yes, did u want to say goodbye him?" it just totally set me off the wrong way.
Steven texted me throughout his morning .. before he left and when he arrived in denver for a short layover. He called me from his special cell phone from the hospital. I just saw some weird number so i knew it had to be him and not some telemarketer.. tho.. he did pretend to be a creditor about why i havent paid my bills.. haha it was cute. He started sounding sad the more i talked to him. I think he misses me. I hope he does, because I miss him. ALOT.
They always say that people come into your life for a reason, whether it be a short time or a long time.. but it all has meaning. I really hope Steven is in my life for a good reason. I am so drawn to him its disgusting almost. His charisma, his attitude, his weird sense of humor.. i am sooo attracted to it. to him. I have felt this good about someone since John- pre drug abuse stage. and to think, that was almost 5 years ago.. that says a lot to me and the way i'm feeling about steven.
I had a pretty good day today. I was doing a lil shopping when Steven texted me for the freeway exit for the Carlsbad Outlet mall. I asked if i could join him and he said thats why he texted me. I really wanted to see him since I knew that he was going to be gone for a long time. He needed a new coat and some new shoes. We went to wilsons leather and he tried on some different jackets as i was the yay/nay sayer. He told me he appreciated that i was there helping him out. As we were looking at jackets, he asked me if there was one that i liked.. PSSSSHH.. like i was going to let him buy me a hundred dollar jacket. Granted, he could more than afford it, but damn, I can't do that.. not yet. I think it's too soon. We went shoe shopping and again, he offered to buy me a pair.. i said no and told me not to cry when i dont have any shoes. haha.. too cute.
I feel so good after i spend time with him. I feel so alive, so confident, so happy. It's just so crappy that he has to leave. But trying to look at the positives in everything, I did get to see him today. And i think we had a really good time. What he thinks, i dont know. But i do know that he likes me.
Last night I had a dream about steven. It was basically just reliving the moment in the truck.. Me sitting in his lap, looking into his eyes.. kissing him feeling him.. it was sooo nice.. In my dream, I got up off his lap and i all of a sudden woke up, to a damn charlie horse! That shit hurt soooo fucking bad. My left calf was pretty sore this morning.
When i woke up around 830ish i thought to myself.. "that was a damn good dream minus the charlie horse.. and i dont have to work!!!!!" It was awesome! Even tho the first thing i had to do was do my drive times and hours/exceptions for the pay period. but then i really didnt have to do any more work stuff. I didnt know what to do with myself. I thought about going to the casino, but decided against it when i didnt receive my expense check.
Talked to my steven. He had a busy day, i'm just glad I could make it a little lighter. I just stayed on the phone on speakerphone while he worked. I just enjoyed sharing the moment. But i found out some crappy news!!! Hes going out of town on friday, and i thought he was going to be coming home before the 24th but turns out he's not coming back until the 28th.. That soooo messes up all the plans.. all the things i wanted to do to him.. arggg.. the life of dating a surgeon... But figures.. This is what always happens. When you like someone a LOT .. they end up having to go away. Whyyyyyy.. lol hes going out of town feb 4-6 too.. or something like that.. wonder if he'll even think about making it up to me for valentine's day...haha right.
I am SOOO glad this day is finally over!!I didnt get home till almost 10pm and i've been awake since 430 this morning.But i dont have to wake up early tomorrow. WOO HOO...
my first case as Dr. Smoot went good. Two patients.. L cheek for one patient. undereys and perioral for the other patient. In and out done in an hour. I even got to leave the laser there- way easier for me!!
My case at sharp.. started late. i had issues with people i was asking to sterilize my laser fibers for a surgery that was is radiology and not in the main operating room. We had to wait for anethesia who was coming over from Childrens.
I got the best surprise!!! i was sitting in the middle room relaxing as the patient was being put to sleep and I saw steven's glasses thru the little window in the door. He came to see me!!!! He brought a diet pepsi and said that he wanted to say hi to Dr. Kaplan. LOL smoooooth operator. He was so cute. We were in the same room that we met in. So cute!!!
After my case... he met me at my laser truck. We sat inside the truck; he sat in the passenger and i sat on top of him. We kissed and kissed.. looked into eachother's eyes... talked. I was so happy to see him.. He took off his glasses and i was looking at him. The way the lights were coming into the truck, he was absolutely gorgeous. Just being there, in that momentmade me realize that i really do like him.
When i met him and the way he was acting in the case, i just knew that we would have good chemistry, reason why i even gave him my personal number in the first place. But getting to know him and spend time with him, we have crazy good chemistry. Maybe i'm looking too much into it... but i feel it..
In case u havent heard, The San Diego Chargers beat Indy 28-24 on sunday. My chargers are going to New England to face the Patriots for the AFC Championship game!! I cannot fucking believe they pulled off that upset. Shitty calls, injuries.. i thought we were done.. but nooooooo.. not those resilient men!! 17-1 aint soo bad, patriots fans, i swear!!
I had my Dr's appointment today.. Got all these tests done .. if its bad, i'll find out in 3 days at the soonest if anything's up.
Tomorrow is finally the LAST day as a full time technician. Tho Loree FUCKED me. She's making me drive DG's truck AND gave me a fucked up schedule. First case of the morning for skin resurfacing, which will take a whole hour, maybe an hour and a half for two patients.. and not another case till 2pm.. WTF.. how messed up is that?!?!?!
Steven just called me.. and i messed up!! I called him babe!! LOL I dont know if he heard it, or maybe he ignored it, cuz he didnt say anything..
When i woke up this morning, I called PP to make any appointment. Monday @ 2pm. The sooner the better, definitely!!
Steven came to pick me up around 5ish and of course leave it to my mom to embarass me... she's crazy, but i guess thats where i get it from! We went to Oggi's to watch the football game and enjoy eachother's company. We had a good time even tho jacksonville totally fucking lost. damn new england..
We sat next to eachother, cuz i said i didnt want to sit across from eachother, and he thought that was totally cute!! I wanted to be close to him, not with some table in between us. Oggi's has a bomb Hefeweizen!!! It was good, got me tipsy! He kept telling me that i was absolutely beautiful.. it was so sweet. I absolutely love looking into his eyes.When we left, we totally made out in his car for a while. We were just enjoying eachother. When he dropped me off, we made out some more. i just really wanted to keep kissing him forever ... feeling his body next to mine, his hands thru my hair.. mine thru his.. it just all felt so fucking good... i havent felt this way in such a long time.
The time has finally come.. tomorrow is FINALLY friday. I've been waiting for this day all week long. I get to finally see steven.. Is it weird that I'm feeling this way? It's like a school girl crush but yet.. I just so want to be with him and am looking forward to it.
I found out that he's going out of town next weekend so since i was already planning on it, but now i can definitely do it- i am soooo going to vegas! Its gonna be my mini vay-cay before i start school on the 22nd. Spend some time with my missy.. Things are going so good for her right now, i'm stoked for her. Envious.. lucky bitch haha
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