I'm sitting here by myself in the hotel room. Steven is downstairs working on some project downstairs in the lobby. Leaving me to be myself, im left alone with nothing else but my thoughts and feelings.
While, i'm glad to be going home back to sunny san diego (even tho i hear that its raining) i dont want to leave. I've found myself feeling so god damn comfortable. Sleeping next to him, waking up next to him- being in his arms. He makes love to me and i can do nothing but look into his eyes. I like.. no, i love the way he looks at me when he's inside me. our eyes connect and its just something special. Well, it is to me- i dont know what he thinks. He tells me i'm beautiful or how fucking hot I am. But you know men- for all i know, i could seriously just be being used for sex. It's nothing new to me- used and abused. Sometimes I wished I didnt feel. Just be able to enjoy the feeling, without having those feelings of wanting something more. Something deeper... i can't help it. i wear my fragile heart on my sleeve. I expect so much - i wish i expected NOTHING. Take it for what it is- day by day. But no.. i'm fucked up. i hurt myself.. for absolutely nothing. There's nothing for me to feel sad for. i should only be feeling happiness.. i really should. But its not like that. not at all. its that clock ticking inside of me. Wanting to know.. wished he would tell me how he felt. I can believe i even let my feelings known, and he doesnt really say anything.... not that he has to - probably haw nothing to say. Probably feels nothing- to that extend. Just enjoys my company- enjoys my body. nothing more nothing less. can't ask him- cuz he wont really answer..... i already know.
I'm watching him work across the table from him. His eyes so intense... i love his jaw line, so defined. glasses on, glasses off- he's so sexy. I really can't stand it.
It really is my fault. I'm just attracted to men who are emotionally unavailable to me when i all i want is their love. Or they are the men who show their love in ways that are unknown to me. He's already admitted he's not the romantic type of guy- and here i am, ms. hopeless romantic... mismatch in heaven? Do i just learn how to deal? I guess i have no other choice.
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