TrulyMe88's Journal

Nov 2007
3:19 PM MDT

I am marrying the greatest man that has every graced my presence. I know that I am so in love with him and I know that he is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. But I'm starting to wonder ifthe image of Vernon that I have painted in my mind and to everyone else is only surface deep. I feel like I haven't explored deeper into his characterand I've taken the things that he has told me about himself and made light of the situation because I don't want to taint the image I have of him. There are times I find myself staring at him deeply hoping to find something, anything that wouldallow me someclarity. And there are other times I just stare into his eyes and lose myself. There's nothing I wouldn't do for this man, my passionate love for him exceeds my dislike for all the whores, sluts, and low self esteem women that make it hard for women like me, and that's a lot! Vernon has become my everything, my love, my best friend, my confidant, my support system, my any and everything. Gosh I love my fiance.

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Mar 2007
3:27 AM MDT

After all the heartache and pain I have been through throughout my life I have to remember that there are people out there who love me and that are there for me! After all the times I have been striked upon and almost brought down I have to remember to hold my head uphigh. After everything, I have to remember that there is a reason I have survived it all, a reason why I am still here. I have to live my life abundantly without living in fear. What goes around comes around. (and there's more than a handful of people who has there's coming). After all the lies have been told I still have to trust. I have to forgive but I will never forget. It hurts to know ones that one claimed they loved you would make you feel such pain. It hurts to know that in the world today even your so called loved ones stab you in the back. It hurts to know that the one you go to for comfort and support is the one who caused you need such. I have been down and out lately and that's because I have lost track of what's important.I need no man. Only friendship and God. No one can do for me what my true friends can. No one can be there for me like my God can. I have been misled and now I see. After it's all said and done I realize I am a beautiful person inside and out. I am blessed and will achieve what some oncesaid was impossible. I deserve the best and that's what I will choose to have. I couldn't choose my parents but they're not that bad. I have the best of friends, the best family, and the best God. And one day I will find the best true love. I am a survivor so I will be ok. And well I guess he lost one.

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Feb 2007
7:18 PM MDT

the love i have for him just won't go away. with every step that i take and every move that i make i proceed with caution cause i feel i pursue in the wrong direction. pain is love ... that's what they told me and all of my suffering has definitely proved thee you make me feel so brand new like this is a different you someone to get used to the time we shared is so special and so real i can't let go of what we have and the way that i feel yes i know my situation but love doesn't just fade so my feelings for you simply won't go away hearing your voice brightens my day and the little things you say take my breath away we do things all backwards but it worked out this way and if i could go back and change things, i wouldn't, i want them to stay stay in your arms on those nights that we slept hold you close to my heart all the nights that we wept laughing and talking and all the great sex fighting and making up, our routine was the best i know i did a lot of this but it was my heart that you bared and spending time breaking those walls showed me that you cared now it's my turn and although i'm not standing still i'm still waiting for you with patience and determination cause no one can have what we do as i lay here thinking about the way you say my name all the priceless moments that we shared and that we made the smile that crosses your face and all the things that took place i can't help but wonder if you feel the same way am i making a mistake in trusting you with my heart cause at one point in time you caused a lot of pain, and left me distraught there i never want to return i want to stay where it's safe but after all isn't it true that true love is deep pain kelvin is the love of my life at the moment but i can't leave angelo in the past. kelvin is making things hard for me so i am beginning to regress back on what i had. yes it was dyfunctional but it worked. for us. no i don't wanna do that for the rest of my life but i don 't want to do this either.

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Nov 2006
8:43 PM MDT

damn so check this. how would you feel if the person that told you things like "If you let go and left me alone, I'd feel as if I lost my best friend as well as my girl." a couple months later got angry at you, got a new girl, and told you "I need to pray for you. I want to say it's your youth, but in all actuallity, it's your stubbornness. You don't want change. You don't have any understanding of the term patience nor understanding for that matter. I'm more pissed because you didn't meet the expectations you set for me. I think you're in denial. You need Jesus more than you do some nigga, but you're unwilling to accept that."?? The same person that said "Everything you've given of yourself did not go unseen. I appreciate you fighting it out with me and debating with me last night. Though I felt we were going in circles, you made it obvious that I need you. Gimme some time to show you how much. I wanna be the reason you smile again. I wanna make you laugh again. I know it's been a while, but I want to take your breath away." Later takes it back to say that you are nothing that he thought you was and tells you "When I said that all women are crazy...I was right. You've become icing to the cake."Well you know what after every night of tears after every single not of convincing myself this was best. The same that guy that told you he wouldn't hurt you, the same guy that said he accepted every flaw with grace because he knew that was just you. At one point in time he even said he loved your flaws. But to now hear him express such passionate disgust to you about you is sickening. To hear the hate in his voice and to know that the one thing you feared is to be true is heart wrenching. It feels you with more rage than ever before to know that you were willing to great lengths for this person, and he expressed the same to you including how much he truly cared about you, caring enough to cry over you, but now every word you ever uttered to him was worthless because he doesn't seem to understand. To be filled with the same "worldwind of emotion" when you supposedly "pushed her away to prevent from hurting her". I am now "intoxicated with anguish" you tried to prevent because you cared oh so much. I was left to fend for myself and I have learned a lot of lessons and as I am a complete individual I don't need a man thank you. Yes to go out with out physical consolement is harder than some may presume. But I have turned down more than one would think. But what would I waste my time explaining this to you? Maybe the same reason why you don't give a damn but felt the need to express how angry you were to me, because you love me. Well now I wonder is that the same love that used to possess your thoughts when you used to look at my myspace and say 'Damn she's gorgeous! How? Why? You know what .... ? God is great isn't he?' the same love that used to fill your heart when you prayed and thanked God for letting me into your life, the same love that gave you the feeling you had when you used to "love being on the phone with me. I was your Queen. Or at least you hoped to treat me like one one day. You called me retarded, lame & sometimes crazy. I said some silly stuff...a lot...which was usually followed by my trademark giggle. (It was beyond adorable (to you), I had no idea). You picked on me a lot, but you didn't mean it. I had better known it. We went over a multitude of different topics as I listen to my music & post bulletins. You sometimes would serenade me. And you knew you couldn't sing. But you put that past you, because you loved to sing.......to me*." OR is it now the love that you plan to give to your new significant other as you go about courting her as you once did me. I remember you once said "you couldn't call me a dime because I was worth more than change*"... have you tried that one on her yet. As I sit here I don't know whether to laugh or cry so I do neither as I am afraid that once again I will be at the beginning of where I once was when I was weak and cried as I attempted to wrap my mind around the concept you once said was something you needed to do for you, now it turns out you believe it is because of me. Boy oh boy have the tables turn. I was angry but I won't even allow myself to be enraged. I won't delete you from my myspace, yell at you, say rude things, or become a drama queen, there's no need to even vent. (I'm simply sharing the experience and showing women there is ways to overcome this typical situation.) I want to cry but I won't allow myself to indulge in the easy way out. I have worked to hard to get past that stage and I won't be pushed back or knocked down because of the spiteful things you said. I am too strong for that and I have grown past that, regardless of what you may think, by the way, I have grown. Something you are obviously blinded of by the exact same stubborness you claim that I am to have. As I sit here reminiscing over past notes, IM's, text messages and every other form of communication we welcomed. I have yet to regress. I am not angry, there may be a slight hint of bitterness. But I guess it's bitter sweet. In the end we realized I am not for you and you not for me, obviously by treating me the way you just did, apology or no apology. As you are happy so am I. I am content with my complete individuality and every complimentary in my life. Yes it was a slap in the face and I was so overwhelmed with rage it hurt. But as I sit here writing this I realize I am far from angry. I am something but I am unsure of what. God works in mysterious ways. I will say if nothing else it was definitely an experience. And I kept thinking that there were these lessons you were suppose to be teaching me but now I realize this had nothing to do with you. I learned on my own, when you abandoned me I was left to do it alone, and today, right now, I finally see the truly bigger picture! This is bigger than "women being a thorn in your side", bigger than you thinking that I need to a man to fufill my sexual urges you seem to think I can't sustain, bigger than you coming to unrealistic realizations, even bigger than us knowing that we weren't meant to be. In all actuality, this is larger than life. (everything in quotations came DiRECTLY from his mouth) *changed from present to past tense.and the .... is in replace of this persons name. this is what i posted on myspace. i still love vern more than anything in the world and for him to say all this hurts like hell. how could he. why? maybe that's how he felt all along. it was just game that i fell for. but you know what since that's how he feels i need to just let it go. focus on kelvin and it will all go away!

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Nov 2006
2:01 AM MDT

(the heart of the matter - india arie) for those of you who've heard it, is something that i have felt but have not been able to explain it. those of you that know me know that i carry the world on my shoulders and all that i have ever lived through has accumulated and become this burden that continues to knock me down when i believe i am standing on top of it, and it is no longer on top of me. well i was wrong. life is about what you learn but the experiences you have overcome to learn those lessons are not suppose to linger with you. i have realized that our society is fucked up. yes, i mean all of us. the american culture has our mind twisted and manipulated, we have been decieved and we can not depict everything that we say in television. it's acting! yes i am guilty of this, we all are. in one way or the other we try to recreate what we say on tv. whether in our family lives, love lifes, or personal. we can not overcome things the way we do because it's not real! our families can't be the cosby's, we can't have perfect love without frustrating problems that cause conflict that last for days, and we can't come to realization within hours. well this is your reality check so you can at least make an effort to change. i am personally guilty of this. i take the people that have let me down and attached that to their persona. i expect that from them so when they hurt me i'm quick to say "well what did you expect". well you know what i give up. i am starting over. i have learned many lessons and they continue to be reiterated, i obviously didn't learn them properly. so i need to refresh my spirit, lay all my burdens at His feet, and redefine myself. i need me and i need Him that's all. the rest of you are just additions. i love my best friends to death! but they are only additions and it is ok to lean on them when He tells me too but sometimes i have to know that i will be ok if i have to do it on my own. i've always been forgiving but i have never let go. i'm letting go and whether you hate me or love me, appreciate me or ignore me. i am starting over. i'm not telling anyone to come to me with acceptance of what i am doing cause only one person needs to accept me and what i do. i don't need anyone to complete me just add to my life. i need to re-find happiness within myself because i have lost that. my judgement has been clouded and my decisions influenced. i love you all for who you are but i have to be me now. i can't carry you on my back, that's what He is here for. He wants you to come to Him, i'm here but i can't be what He can to you ... find Him. i am finding myself. redefining myself. loving. re-learning. letting go. forgiving. and accomplishing. not for you this time, for me. and if you don't understand it's ok. the more you know the more you don't understand because i am going against the rhetorical. yes it's radical in words but hey, i feel like i need this more now than ever. you should let no one ever tell you who you are. by actions or by words! love you. and when you say you do. mean it. on ALL levels! love is amazing but so is freedom.

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Oct 2006
10:02 AM MDT

If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay. Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior. Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache. Stop trying to change yourselves for a relationship that's not meant to be. Slower is better. Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy. If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then hell no, you can't "be friends." A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend. Don't settle. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is Don't stay because you think "it'll get better." You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better. The only person you can control in a relationship is you. Avoid men who've got a whole bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, Why would he treat you any differently? Always have your own set of friends separate from his. Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you. If something bothers you, speak up. Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later. You cannot change a man's behavior. Change comes from within. Don't make him feel he is more important than you are...even if he has more education or in a better job. Do not make him into a god. He is a man, nothing more nothing less. Never let a man define who you are. Never borrow someone else's man. If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you. A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you. All men are NOT dogs. You should not be the one doing all the bending...compromise is a two-way street. You need time to heal between relationships...there is nothing cute about baggage... deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you...a relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals...look for someone complimentary...not supplementary. Dating is fun...even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr.. Right. Make him miss you sometimes...when a man always know where you are, and your always readily available to him...he takes it for granted. Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need. Keep him in your radar but get to know others. Ladies..... RETHINK your choices, and PREPARE. They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them and an entire lifetime to forget them.

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1 comment(s) - 02:58 PM - 11/14/2006

Oct 2006
7:11 AM MDT

Tell me what you see when you look at me Do you really see what I see or is my mind telling me differently? Maybe everything is a dream or is it simply MY own reality Maybe my mind hasnt settled into the world entirely When I looked into the mirror I saw a different person A face full of make up Hiding all true emotions Hiding all the Anger. Sadness. Grief. Pain & Suffering Covering all that with Happiness. Smiles & Continuous Laughter So when you look at me, do you see what I see? Do you see ALL of which I see or do you see the simple part of me? Now if i told you the story of me Would you be afraid and hide Hide from me or expect me to hide what's inside Or would you stand beside me willing to guide Would you laugh at me or would you praise me, For ovecoming all that you really don't see? Do you see what i see? Do you see deep inside me? Do you see the cries of a growing woman, Tell me what do you see when you look at me? And after doing so tell me what you see when you look into you When you look at yourself, are those same feelings desperately trying to berak through? Evaluate life from outside of your skin and ask yourself this question... Do you see the same thing you saw when you were looking from within?

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Oct 2006
7:09 AM MDT

I'm living and I'm learning as I continue to grow. I have never realized how much we reject the unfamiliar and all that confuses us. Why? Because it scares us and may even cause us to be inferior. I have never wished bad upon anyone but disliked what is unlike me and no matter which way I say it or look at it, It's all the same. I have to realize that there is always going to be people unlike me. But I can't keep pushing them away because of the decisions they choose to make. I have to accpet their lifestyly, and accept them for who they are. I and everyone else in this world needs to learn how to open our hearts and see deeper than skin deep. "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder." We choose all of what you see to as beautiful and only you as an individual can make that decision. But to not see someone as beautiful because you don't like what's on the outside, where they are going with their life, and what they are doing is so... American. I mean I don't know what other way to put it but Americans are some close minded people who see only what they want to see. To see only what you are prepared to see is completely different. And I think if we grow up and mature out minds, spirits, and hearts.... We will see so much more, in everyone, including ourselves. To say you are God's child, thou shall love their neighbor. And just to say you love your neighbor is not good enough... SHOW IT! I've said it before and I will say it again. Love is a decision, it's a choice you make within yourself. You enact the decision you choose by doing not saying. Actions speak so much louder than words. "Understand that anybody who is somebody,to anybody,is somebody"

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Aug 2006
7:12 AM MDT

Sometimes in life we get caught up in bullshit and drama and life changes that we often lose ourselves in the midst of it all. We become people unknown to ourselves and our loved ones and find ourselves doing and saying things that once upon a time we would have never done or said. And we don't realize our actions aren't only hurting those that care about us but they're hurting ourselves. Sometimes we stray from our ordinary routine, and sometimes that is ok. But if you stray too much you find yourself in situations you don't know how you got yourself in and may not know how to get out of. Life happens and we all make mistakes and we sometimes take the hard road on purpose even when the easy one is staring us in the face. We don't listen, don't learn and then want to blame others because we're in too deep. And we are alone. And there are those who stick around through all the bullshit we put them and ourselves through and continue to lend their ear and offer advice. Wanted or unwanted. They are the people we need in our lives but we take for granted and sometimes take out our frustrations on, when we know, in all reality they don't deserve it. Its those people who truly care even though they try not to, get fed up and swear they're done... but when we make that call they answer. They sometimes say, "I told you so" and it's not like we don't deserve it, they tell the truth even when we don't want to hear it. We choose our own destiny, we are grown enough to make our own decisions, and it is our fault and our mess to clean up. There comes a point in all the chaos when reality sets in and this new life isn't the life we wanted for ourselves. We sit and think back to the friends we had and lost, the good, bad and really shitty decisions we made, the people we made laugh, cry and hurt, and all the drama. The nights we didnt need to be at the club or drunker than a bitch to have fun, the unnecessary 5 and 6 a.m.'s just to be out kickin it, and the people we chose to kick it with......for what? We didn't achieve anything, or anything positive. And that reality hits hard, we been fucking up, and we lost more than we gained taking this new path and we finally hit rock bottom stuck on a curb and it cuts so deep. All the questions, memories, reminiscence and time wasted on complete bullshit. And then think the bridges we burned? They'll never go back to the exact structure they were, they can be rebuilt, but it takes a strong mind and will to do so, and sometimes the bridges are burned and forgotten and we sit here thinking "if only I would have done different," we laugh, we cry, we hurt, we're angry and emotional, but we did it to ourselves and can blame no other, whats lost is lost, what we can salvage from the chaos we promise to try......so now what? We Change We remove ourselves from the negativity, surround ourselves in the positive and good and lean towards the ones who stuck by and watched and waited until we were ready to grow up and get our act together. The person we were and the person we became on that destructive path are complete opposites. How do we find ourselves and get back to "The Simple Life" when we were living this "Surreal Life"? See when all is said and done: we were selfish, self-absorbed, uncaring, unkind, and wildn out! That's not who we are. We made really bad decisions but its time to get our life back and we will in time. Everybody hits a spiral sometimes, but not everyone is strong enough to pull themselves out and weather the storm. For those who stuck by, we love and respect you, for those who didn't we're sorry we lost what we had, but we don't blame you. When you befriend someone and they are a certain way and then they make dramatic changes and you suddenly realize you don't know them anymore and you pull away, that's normal and that's apart of life. We hope one day you'll stop and remember who we once were and we hope you'll miss us, because we've missed you and you never left our thoughts. Time to discover a new path or make our own trail.

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TrulyMe88's Profile

Username: TrulyMe88

Gender / Age: Female, 36

Location: USA - Colorado

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About Me: Most Beautiful & Meaningful saying EVER "As we grow up, we learn that even the ONE person that wasn't supposed to let you down probably WiLL. You WiLL have your heart broken, probably more than once, and it's harder every time. You'll break hearts too so remember how it felt when yours was broken. You'll fight with your bedt friend, and lose friends you thought you would always have. You'll blame a new love for things that an old one did. You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose somebody you couldn't live without. So take too MANY pictures, laugh TOO much and love like you've NEVER been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend angry or upset is a minute of happiness you'll NEVER get back..." As a young adult I have more than found myself, I have accepted me! Being inadequate is balanced by my passion for music and creativity. Music releases me. It causes me to soar, to know that I can achieve if I believe. That's why I keep dreaming because I am there and it's all in reach... I just have to extend my hand and open the door. I know that I am not perfect but in my eyes I am as close as I will get, and besides I LOVE my imperfections it's what make me unique. However, there are still things that I need to learn ... one being to LiVE BY FAiTH NOT BY SiGHT. I lose sight and direction sometimes because everyone does but I can own up to and accept my mistakes with an open mind and willingly make a change for the better. I am more than dedicated to my feelings, emotions, and heart but if there is something that will help me progress in life, strengthen my spirit, and become a better person... I'm more than accepting of the idea. I know I will succeed and I won't stop until I do. The people closest to me are a compliment to my life and I thank God for them. Each and every one of them are truly a blessing. No one can ever stop me or bring me down and if you do, trust, it is only momentarily.

Interests: As a young adult I have more than found myself, I have accepted me! Being inadequate is balanced by my passion for music and creativity. Music releases me. It causes me to soar, to know that I can achieve if I believe. That's why I keep dreaming because I am there and it's all in reach... I just have to extend my hand and open the door. I know that I am not perfect but in my eyes I am as close as I will get, and besides I LOVE my imperfections it's what make me unique. However, there are still things that I need to learn ... one being to LiVE BY FAiTH NOT BY SiGHT. I lose sight and direction sometimes because everyone does but I can own up to and accept my mistakes with an open mind and willingly make a change for the better. I am more than dedicated to my feelings, emotions, and heart but if there is something that will help me progress in life, strengthen my spirit, and become a better person... I'm more than accepting of the idea. I know I will succeed and I won't stop until I do. The people closest to me are a compliment to my life and I thank God for them. Each and every one of them are truly a blessing. No one can ever stop me or bring me down and if you do, trust, it is only momentarily.