TrulyMe88's Journal

Nov 2006
8:43 PM MDT

damn so check this. how would you feel if the person that told you things like "If you let go and left me alone, I'd feel as if I lost my best friend as well as my girl." a couple months later got angry at you, got a new girl, and told you "I need to pray for you. I want to say it's your youth, but in all actuallity, it's your stubbornness. You don't want change. You don't have any understanding of the term patience nor understanding for that matter. I'm more pissed because you didn't meet the expectations you set for me. I think you're in denial. You need Jesus more than you do some nigga, but you're unwilling to accept that."?? The same person that said "Everything you've given of yourself did not go unseen. I appreciate you fighting it out with me and debating with me last night. Though I felt we were going in circles, you made it obvious that I need you. Gimme some time to show you how much. I wanna be the reason you smile again. I wanna make you laugh again. I know it's been a while, but I want to take your breath away." Later takes it back to say that you are nothing that he thought you was and tells you "When I said that all women are crazy...I was right. You've become icing to the cake."Well you know what after every night of tears after every single not of convincing myself this was best. The same that guy that told you he wouldn't hurt you, the same guy that said he accepted every flaw with grace because he knew that was just you. At one point in time he even said he loved your flaws. But to now hear him express such passionate disgust to you about you is sickening. To hear the hate in his voice and to know that the one thing you feared is to be true is heart wrenching. It feels you with more rage than ever before to know that you were willing to great lengths for this person, and he expressed the same to you including how much he truly cared about you, caring enough to cry over you, but now every word you ever uttered to him was worthless because he doesn't seem to understand. To be filled with the same "worldwind of emotion" when you supposedly "pushed her away to prevent from hurting her". I am now "intoxicated with anguish" you tried to prevent because you cared oh so much. I was left to fend for myself and I have learned a lot of lessons and as I am a complete individual I don't need a man thank you. Yes to go out with out physical consolement is harder than some may presume. But I have turned down more than one would think. But what would I waste my time explaining this to you? Maybe the same reason why you don't give a damn but felt the need to express how angry you were to me, because you love me. Well now I wonder is that the same love that used to possess your thoughts when you used to look at my myspace and say 'Damn she's gorgeous! How? Why? You know what .... ? God is great isn't he?' the same love that used to fill your heart when you prayed and thanked God for letting me into your life, the same love that gave you the feeling you had when you used to "love being on the phone with me. I was your Queen. Or at least you hoped to treat me like one one day. You called me retarded, lame & sometimes crazy. I said some silly stuff...a lot...which was usually followed by my trademark giggle. (It was beyond adorable (to you), I had no idea). You picked on me a lot, but you didn't mean it. I had better known it. We went over a multitude of different topics as I listen to my music & post bulletins. You sometimes would serenade me. And you knew you couldn't sing. But you put that past you, because you loved to sing.......to me*." OR is it now the love that you plan to give to your new significant other as you go about courting her as you once did me. I remember you once said "you couldn't call me a dime because I was worth more than change*"... have you tried that one on her yet. As I sit here I don't know whether to laugh or cry so I do neither as I am afraid that once again I will be at the beginning of where I once was when I was weak and cried as I attempted to wrap my mind around the concept you once said was something you needed to do for you, now it turns out you believe it is because of me. Boy oh boy have the tables turn. I was angry but I won't even allow myself to be enraged. I won't delete you from my myspace, yell at you, say rude things, or become a drama queen, there's no need to even vent. (I'm simply sharing the experience and showing women there is ways to overcome this typical situation.) I want to cry but I won't allow myself to indulge in the easy way out. I have worked to hard to get past that stage and I won't be pushed back or knocked down because of the spiteful things you said. I am too strong for that and I have grown past that, regardless of what you may think, by the way, I have grown. Something you are obviously blinded of by the exact same stubborness you claim that I am to have. As I sit here reminiscing over past notes, IM's, text messages and every other form of communication we welcomed. I have yet to regress. I am not angry, there may be a slight hint of bitterness. But I guess it's bitter sweet. In the end we realized I am not for you and you not for me, obviously by treating me the way you just did, apology or no apology. As you are happy so am I. I am content with my complete individuality and every complimentary in my life. Yes it was a slap in the face and I was so overwhelmed with rage it hurt. But as I sit here writing this I realize I am far from angry. I am something but I am unsure of what. God works in mysterious ways. I will say if nothing else it was definitely an experience. And I kept thinking that there were these lessons you were suppose to be teaching me but now I realize this had nothing to do with you. I learned on my own, when you abandoned me I was left to do it alone, and today, right now, I finally see the truly bigger picture! This is bigger than "women being a thorn in your side", bigger than you thinking that I need to a man to fufill my sexual urges you seem to think I can't sustain, bigger than you coming to unrealistic realizations, even bigger than us knowing that we weren't meant to be. In all actuality, this is larger than life. (everything in quotations came DiRECTLY from his mouth) *changed from present to past tense.and the .... is in replace of this persons name. this is what i posted on myspace. i still love vern more than anything in the world and for him to say all this hurts like hell. how could he. why? maybe that's how he felt all along. it was just game that i fell for. but you know what since that's how he feels i need to just let it go. focus on kelvin and it will all go away!

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Username: TrulyMe88

Gender / Age: Female, 36

Location: USA - Colorado

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About Me: Most Beautiful & Meaningful saying EVER "As we grow up, we learn that even the ONE person that wasn't supposed to let you down probably WiLL. You WiLL have your heart broken, probably more than once, and it's harder every time. You'll break hearts too so remember how it felt when yours was broken. You'll fight with your bedt friend, and lose friends you thought you would always have. You'll blame a new love for things that an old one did. You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose somebody you couldn't live without. So take too MANY pictures, laugh TOO much and love like you've NEVER been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend angry or upset is a minute of happiness you'll NEVER get back..." As a young adult I have more than found myself, I have accepted me! Being inadequate is balanced by my passion for music and creativity. Music releases me. It causes me to soar, to know that I can achieve if I believe. That's why I keep dreaming because I am there and it's all in reach... I just have to extend my hand and open the door. I know that I am not perfect but in my eyes I am as close as I will get, and besides I LOVE my imperfections it's what make me unique. However, there are still things that I need to learn ... one being to LiVE BY FAiTH NOT BY SiGHT. I lose sight and direction sometimes because everyone does but I can own up to and accept my mistakes with an open mind and willingly make a change for the better. I am more than dedicated to my feelings, emotions, and heart but if there is something that will help me progress in life, strengthen my spirit, and become a better person... I'm more than accepting of the idea. I know I will succeed and I won't stop until I do. The people closest to me are a compliment to my life and I thank God for them. Each and every one of them are truly a blessing. No one can ever stop me or bring me down and if you do, trust, it is only momentarily.

Interests: As a young adult I have more than found myself, I have accepted me! Being inadequate is balanced by my passion for music and creativity. Music releases me. It causes me to soar, to know that I can achieve if I believe. That's why I keep dreaming because I am there and it's all in reach... I just have to extend my hand and open the door. I know that I am not perfect but in my eyes I am as close as I will get, and besides I LOVE my imperfections it's what make me unique. However, there are still things that I need to learn ... one being to LiVE BY FAiTH NOT BY SiGHT. I lose sight and direction sometimes because everyone does but I can own up to and accept my mistakes with an open mind and willingly make a change for the better. I am more than dedicated to my feelings, emotions, and heart but if there is something that will help me progress in life, strengthen my spirit, and become a better person... I'm more than accepting of the idea. I know I will succeed and I won't stop until I do. The people closest to me are a compliment to my life and I thank God for them. Each and every one of them are truly a blessing. No one can ever stop me or bring me down and if you do, trust, it is only momentarily.