Smilez's Journal

Feb 2007
10:17 PM EST

How do I define love?

Loving someone unconditionally with faults and all. Watching them make the biggest mistakes of their lives and standing behind them when they fall.

Waiting for someone to come around and see that you are the best thing that has ever happened to them and they still cant see that.

Loving someone sooooo much that you set them free.

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Feb 2007
7:23 PM EST

I walk in numbness and replay each conversation back in my head over and over again... Is this grieving pain? Yeah it is. I hear a certain song and it cuts me, tears roll down my face as I try not to let my sorrow show.

If someone ask me whats wrong.. my eyes wells up with tears as my lips tremble. I cant speak without crying.

Why all this crying? I have to ask myself.

I dont know how to deal with one having their heart ripped out of them. I know that sounds harsh but thats how it feels at times.

I feel unwelcome now dialing his phone number... The waiting if he will pick up or will it go directly to voice mailor is ither on the other line. Will he be short and distance with me now? I dont know.. I dont know how to feel right now. I just have to take one day at a time as it comes. Come what may.. I just pray God will give me the strength as I endure it.

So many noticed my blank stare tonight, the mexican guys were trying to cheer me up. But nothing worked.

Im left feeling empty right now...I promised him time,and thats his right. I dont know what his time frame is.. I dont know if he is trying to forget all about me. I seem to have drove him over the edge last night. No matter what I was saying.. he was calling me by my first name.

Why cant I just get mad at this guy and get it over with? Why does he have such a strong connection over me?

Can I just be his friend right now? I think I can... Cant dwell on it now.

Sleep is falling very heavy on me... I dont want to cuddle up to an empty pillow. I just want to take something so strong to knock me out so I dont keep waking up to see if he calls me or not.

Ugh its going to be a long night.. I know I'll get through it somehow.

The world dont stop for someones broken heart!

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Feb 2007
2:41 AM EST

I didnt do anything but talk to another guy.. just talk. Was it 2 minutes, maybe three.. but it was just talk.

Did I like the embrace? Sure why not.. its been so long since I've had a real good hug.

Did it mean anything to me? I cant say it did.

All I did was mention 1 guy that scared me that I could become attractive to, and it remains my down fall and the initical down fall to mine and his relationship.

I set him free last night, he set me free. No more knowing that he'll call me and we will still cling on the phone with each other. We hung up this time.

What is the griving period in letting ones heart heal? I dont know, I guess I'll find out in due time.

He just wants to be himself now.. I had no idea I was trying to change him, I was always fussing at him, and I was always talking about other guys to him.

I use to think him and I were so compatiable so perfect together.

After these last few talks I can see he's not.

What was he to me...? My best friend.

Who does he think about now? Her.. and what could be or will be between them? Their so much alike, and him and I arent.

All I did was love this man unconditional. Over looking his faults, lies, and secrets.

I had hoped for so much more with him. But sometimes when you love someone as much as you do... you have to set him free... Like he sang the other night to me on the phone... IM FREE ... yeah baby you are!

I just wonder if and when you do go to prision, which one of us will you be thinking about?

I guess I'll never know.

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Feb 2007
8:55 PM EST

Im afraid that the truth is a lie and that a lie is the truth. Even though this person keeps lying to me, I've convienced myself �that its the truth to only spare my heart from being hurt and from being alone.

I did get a wink from him and that was up lifting, however, beware of a winker, more then� most likely they are a�player.

Im afraid of getting hurt again. Why is it the ones you do like, they dont like you back? The ones you do like, do nothing but LIE?

Im afraid of men... Im afraid�of �starting all over again... Im afraid of being alone... Im afraid of not finiding someone.

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Feb 2007
8:49 PM EST

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Jan 2007
8:04 AM EST

Its always best to be honest and upfront with yourself and anyone else who may hurt you than to pretend everything is ok and let resentment and bitterness to settle in. Its also a good thing to set the one who you have hurt or they have hurt you free. Im free as of today from all the lies.. deciet and mysterious world I've been trapped in for nearly 7 years. I have known this for a long time but I havent been able to break the chains. But I did it! Im FREE!!! My heart is back to being mine and free to pass it along to the next one who I feel will treat me right and be honest!

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Nov 2006
7:39 PM EST

Today I was actually off work. I couldnt believe it. I pulled out my Christmas decorations and for some reason I just wasn't into decorating tonight.I had to push my body to do the work. I don't want the Christmas blues to hit me. But its tough making it on my own with three girls. I have to stay positive and cherry for them.

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Nov 2006
7:39 PM EST

I was told by my boss that I am going to be handed $100.00 dollars tomorrow to decorate my work. Wow what fun! I always loved decorating my house for Christmas, and now I get to decorate work. I went shopping at Walmart tonight after work to kind of get an item on what theme I should do. So far Im blink.. Me Miss decorator is blank!!! I did however collect 1.00 from everyone to help decorate our Christmas tree by buying an ornament. The Holidays are moving in on us to fast these days. I cant believe its going to be Thanksgiving already in just a few days. I haven't even started my Christmas shopping and as much as I would love to buy my girls a bunch of presents this year. I know I wont be able too. Their dad has all the Christmas money this year and since we are now divorced I am not entitled to any of that money. So Im looking long and hard for that one special gift that I can buy them and hope that will make them happy. I cant let my status, and my lack of income get me down this year for the holidays. I have to keep the home fires burning and make my girls Christmas special no matter what the out come of it may bring.

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Nov 2006
7:22 PM EST

I have to share something real funny that happened to me tonight... I was talking to some co workers while training another co-worker when out of the blue this co worker said "Oh my God your teeth are so white... you dont smoke do you"? I said NO and then I had to laugh because she totally made me loose my train of thought. I kept laughing and then I looked at my other co-worker who I wish would get some Crest white stripes and start whitening her teeth because her teeth look like she never brushes them and its sad because this girl is only 17 years old. I take MUCH pride in my teeth. I guess thats why everyone who talks to me, makes some type of comment about how pretty of a smile that I have. So after reading my entry in my journal and your teeth feels a bit gritty.. PLEASE GOOOOO Brush your teeth.. your teeth can be one of your best feature about yourself and enhance your smile 10 times after you hit 40. :)

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Smilez's Profile

Username: Smilez

Gender / Age: Female, 57

Location: USA - Ohio

SMILEZ's Interests:

About Me: Im a single tall attractive mother of three girls.

Interests: right now my interest would be TIME.. I feel like Im always on the rush! My job is a full time and then theres the job of being a full time mom,house keeper and etc...

Favorite Music: Im into the lite rock radio stations. Im drawn to this type of music because my work plays it all day long. I also listen to K-Love when Im in the car. This radio station keeps my spirits up, and keeps me on the right direction for life.

Favorite Movies: I like alot of action pack movies... But my all time favorite movie is The Titanic.

Favorite Television: Two words can sum this up.... LIFETIME.... I love Reba, Still Standing, and lets not forget the old reruns of the Golden Girls.

Favorite Books: Who has time to read...? I guess you could say the bible... but I like reading non fictional books about spiritual warfare. Some romance... but right now with my current status I cant read those types of books anymore.