Phyl's Flashes

Best Friend Forever, that title is being thrown around alot these days. I'm thinking the originators didn't have a real grasp on the forever part. Probably being a bit overly optimistic.

I've had a very long friendship with Barb. We met when we were teens. We soon married men that had known each other since they were little, so we became close over the years. As our families grew we supported each other through the tough times and shared in tons of fun times. We came to consider each other as family.

I never had to say or think that our friendship had to have a time-frame put on it. ie; "BFF". I did however, tell others that Barb was my best friend. Not sure if she had that same opinion of me. Not feeling valued as a friend at all these days. Not for quite awhile really.

Most recently I know that Barb's struggling with her son's move to another country with his wife and kids. I know she anticipated feeling a great loss. I can imagine how she feels, I am sorry for her and wish I could help. I also know that this will pass and�that she wants what her son wants and hopes for his happiness - whatever or wherever that is.

Yesterday I got a call from�Janet, she doesn't call often but had run into my father unexpectantly and had to share�thier encounter with me. Cool. But when she told me about how it's going for Barb and that she has�been here-there-and everywhere seeking shoulders to cry on, I realized I wasn't one she wanted to turn to. It saddened me.�

I have to wonder if�I've been a good friend�to her. I�feel very much on the outside of her life when it comes to�her times of need. I am thinking back on events�like a death in the family. I reach out to help and she turns away even rejects me. I told myself this is the way she handles things, it's about her not me. We have a strong bond, don't be concerned that�it means anything bad.

Today, I can't believe�the story anymore. �I don't know what else I can do. I've made myself available, to me that's about it. If she needs me she'll find me.

I think I sound so stupid right now. Wah-wah, poor me!! Shut-up! Your friend is having a hard time and you're upset that she doesn't need you to help her with it!!!!! Grow up!

Back when I was coming up on my 40th birthday I got the bright idea to start a new hobbie. I went to the craft store and Counted Cross Stitch caught my eye.

What�appealed to me�was the small detail of the craft. It sparked a memory: when I was little my father got into doing these pictures (I don't know what the art is called) that required gluing tiny pieces of plastic (?) onto�a canvas which creates�a picture, like in particular I remember a horse's head that he did. I would watch and watch as he very slowly and meticulously placed the shiney bits�into place. I was amazed as the horse's face�came alive over the time he worked on it.�

I remember him being very focused, it had a calming effect on him.�I felt good, happy, content when he'd pull that stuff out�and set it up on the�kitchen table. Peace would reign over our house during that time. All was good.

As I look into that memory now I�can understand why such a tedious craft as cross stitching�would�appeal to�me and bring me�so much pleasure.�

It hasn't been a straight shot. I haven't been a consistant student of this school of discipline. As of today I'm in good standing however. I've been using this piece to assist me in a transition I'm going through which has me at odds with spare time.�Someday�I might look back on this time as the beginning stages of�my "Empty Nest". Ha! That's a trip- Bird Houses - Empty Nest -�Get it,��?

Well, as of today I'm�feeling focused, calm and�dedicated to finishing. I'm in the home stretch, it looks great, the errors I've made would only be apparent to a pro. I take pride not in�the accomplishment but in the effort of it.�I've got time with this thing, when it's finally done I will know it's part of me.���

Going walking with P. this morning. We've been doing that on and off for the last couple months. I enjoy time with her, she's a wonderful person. Walking gives us time to catch up on the news of each other's lives.

Last time we walked we got onto the subject of my childhood, I revealed more than I'm comfortable with now. I won't go there anymore. I want to leave those memories behind.

The events of those years have a part in who I am now but I am not defined by them. I have made a decision to be so much more than that. What I was called and�that I was abused and�abandoned does not keep a hold on me. I am able to realize that it was and is�me that decides everyday how I want to be as a person. It's always me that putting one foot in front of the other. I am proud of most of my choices and choose to learn from the one's that weren't the best.

I have some real good people that tell me the truth. I've been told that it's amazing that I've been able to create the life I have after coming from where I did. I see it as nothing more than choices, choices everyday. The AA groups say "Do the next right thing", I loved that the first time I heard it and I live by it. I think we all know what the right thing is and we make choices whether or not to value ourselves enough to do it.�I taught my kids that when they respect themselves, others will.�It's pretty simple really but I think we let drama distract us from our long term goal of happiness.

He was off on Friday so my weekend was long. We did the Costco thing the first day. We're buying more from there these days, I see that bill go up, while the Safeway bill goes down, guess it all works out but I like to think I'm saving where I can. We've been getting our gas when we go too, this week we only needed 20bucks worth cause I didn't go anywhere last week.

The JV team won the Egg Bowl�game and the Varsity lost, aww! We had 5 years of wins tho and they can't take that away!

Haircuts for my boys on Saturday, lookin good!

Baked my first Pumpkin pie of the season, yummm.

Finished my book that had me in it's grip this week. "Loving Frank" great read!!

Yard work on Sunday, not much goin on out there but got to keep up, lookin good.

So here we are, Moan-day again. I'm lonely, laundry and housework - life is good.

Dinner next door was really very nice. The women were very welcoming and in my opinion we were a good mix of diversity. My worries prior were unfounded, I held my own as the topics of conversation flowed easily from travel to politics. I found out that I went to jr. high with one of the gals, I searched out my yearbook later and think we didn't know each other back then, glad to know her now though, she's very interesting and I hope to talk with her again.

Sunday afternoon hubs and I were relaxing watching a dvd, enjoying a very good vibe for the moment when a woman came to our door asking if D. was home. He wasn't, "Does he live here?", she had a paper in her hand. I naturally inquired what this is about, but she told me that she could't tell me, that she needed to only speak with him. I guess she saw my concern so she tried to relieve my fears by saying, "It's not anything that can't be fixed."

It took a couple phone calls to have her back at my door delivering the paper she'd held away from my view on her last visit. It was from the county, apparently they are summoning him for jury duty because he didn't show up earlier this year when called. AH!! They threatened him with a giant fine and possibly jail, can they do that?!!�

Will the fun never end with this kid? He doesn't get that he shouldn't be bringing this kind of worry to his parents. He owes us peace and the knowledge that as a young adult he's conducting himself in a mannor that produces possitive results and creates confidence in the future.�

I'm not making a big deal over nothing here, the jury duty thing wasn't the only bad news he got this weekend.�Macy's -�has�still got a pitbull's hold on his tail!��Health insurance - oh yeah,�but they want the first two months up front...sure, where's that coming from?�

Times are tough these days can't we just try to keep the chaos down to a dull roar?

LOL, the question for today was: What am I afraid of and why? Let me think, I'll get back to ya!

I've been invited next door tonight to gather and meet what my neighbor calls her support team. I'm honored to be included on this evening. I've heard alot about her gal-pals and in particular her sister,�she's rarely in town so I'm curious about her. Also the other ladies that until now have only been mentioned as�kind, supportive, wise advisers to�P. as she navigates through her life.�

I'm a bit concerned because I'm not used to meeting new people and not having my hubbie with me. I'll be awkward at first I know but hopefully I'll mix in and get comfy enough to let my real gal-pal self shine through.

When I was a little girl I'd think "what if..." and it always led to anxiousness, a sort of shakey feeling in my stomach and sometimes fear. I remember being told that I shouldn't worry about the "what if's" and that was that. As if they knew that all things would just take care of themselves. But I knew different. Things don't work out, they fall apart usually, you don't know what's going to happen to you and you'd better watch out. My grown-ups were not so good at life. They messed up in ways I couldn't understand back then, what I know now is that they shouldn't have had children when they did, then when they divorced they could have moved on�without looking back. Oh, wait - that's what they did! And that's when the "what if's" became real for me.

That was then and�this is now, I'm in charge now and I can make my life what I want it to be...right? I want to and for the most part I think I'm doing good. But I still feel small when I get to thinkin "what if". It's not always a bad what if, like now, I'm wondering what if I could become something more than I am now. I want to bring something new into my life, I want to make something more of myself. And as soon as I think it I feel like a deer caught in the headlights, frozen.

Can I trust myself to take care of me as I go forward into the unknown? I want to...

Today I won't rant about our economy. I'm focusing on our anniversary.

We met 37 yrs ago today. He had those deep brown eyes, he called me a little fox.

We couldn't know then what we know now, we believed in us. Each day was and is�a decision to love.

We're not going to go out tonight, keepin it cheap. So he was talking about the meatloaf I used to make back when I used to have to stretch a lb. of hamburgar to feed the 6 of us. I haven't made it in years. He said he missed it, so guess what's on the menu tonight!

Alright, so now we know! It's been said that the country doesn't like uncertainty, well - things are becoming clear now.

All you little girls better take your dollies and run home now�cause this is a game that only the strong will survive.

Attitudes have to start changing here in the land of plenty. We've got to understand that it's not always going to be easy, it's not gonna be comfortable all the time, it might even be hard!

Yes,�I'm pissed off! I don't deserve this trouble at my door. I've been responsible, I've done the right thing, I've conserved, I've saved, I've prepared for the future with discipline. I've paid my dues along the way and now it seems I'll be expected to pay someone else's dues!

How embarassing it is to be American these days. I imagine the rest of the world laughing up their sleeves as they watch the "greedy, fat, self-serving, capitalists" suffer. Gee, wonder if it's a good time for an attack?

I love Fridays, always have. I remember when I was a kid and mom and dad were still married, she'd be different on Fridays, there was anticipation in the air all day. She'd be busy doing things making the house clean, washing the cloths and not so impatient with us. She'd fix something light for dinner, I remember it was bacon and eggs alot of the times, I liked that (no yuckie veggie!). And almost always someone would come over to visit on Friday nights. Usuallly it was an Aunt & Uncle but sometimes it was just�a neighbor. When the weather was good my dad loved having the garage door open and hang out in front of the house. This was fun because it meant that us kids got to play out until way past bedtime. I remember once seeing my dad spray lighter fluid on a potato bug then set it on fire, the men all laughed and cheered as it ran. I was scared but somehow facinated to see that little ball of flame moving so fast.

Boy, that was such a long time ago. I know that was me but times are sooo different now. So much water under that bridge. Mom is gone and dad has a new garage to hang out in.

But Fridays are mine to make of them as I wish! Today, Bear's off so we're going for a walk this morning and then I want to cut his hair - he'll look so cute when I'm done with him. Then I don't know what we'll make ourselves busy with. At 5 is the baby's football game at the high school, it's going to be a beautiful afternoon so I won't mind sitting out on the bleachers till dark. I only wish I understood the game a little.

Sidenote: I helped Pam update her wardrobe yesterday. She's lost almost 30lbs! half her cloths don't fit anymore, we were crackin up so much. I called her droopie-drawers.

It's here! Fall! I Love Fall in Cali, it's so perfect! Every year I think I'm going to pay better attention to each day to make them last but they go by faster than the last. I remember when I was a kid, days could feel like they would never end, how come that doesn't happen anymore? Time flies, my most favorite time of year will fly no matter what I do to slow it down.

I will celebrate this morning's sun rise, it's clear, chilly, the air smells clean, the ducks have been flying north over my roof - honking the message that only they understand.�

The ordinary chores of this morning will be less bothersome, I will open the windows and let the Fall in, it will be my�houseguest for only a�short time so I must enjoy it's company everyday.�

I was lost, I had given up, I thought I would always be a mess. Everything was messed up, at 15yrs. old everything meant: school - I was cutting classes and failing, friends - the wilder the better, me - fat, ugly and sluttie, my Mom - an angry, bitter, drunk, my Dad - remarried, too busy to care, too stupid to help, stepMom - too young.

I didn't get there over night, there had to be signs that I was headed that way but no one noticed or certainly if they did no one stopped me.

I did alot of crazy things, and as I think of it now I wonder how I made it safely through that time. One thing that sticks with me as a really stupid decision is the day I let my "friend" rob my father's house as a way to cover up a party that sort of just happened there that day after school.

As I write this I feel really uncomfortable, anxious, choked up, and I don't want to keep going. I've never journaled about this. I don't know how to keep it going.�Maybe I'll just leave it here for now...

Friends. When we have them we think they'll be around for good. But one day something changes and {poof} gone. I didn't notice when it�happened so I can't say who-what-when or why but as of today I believe these friends have moved into the backseat of my life.

My thoughts right now are: What kind of friend was I? Am I doing this intentionally?

I want to ask that everyone vote NO on Prop. 8.

September has always been a time�of change for me. I recall feelings of positive anticipation, wish I could say I feel that these days. I'm not certain exactly what I am feeling but it's uncomfortable for sure.

I'll just keep going, time�tells us what we need to know. I need to trust the process of change. I am choosing to see this change as "renewal", a time�to reinvent myself. It's a good thing - smile!�

Today I'm grateful to be able to have the time to do anything I want.

I'm keeping it simple, trying not to pressure myself into filling these new gaps in my time. It's OK. I don't have to be busy every minute, every day.

Next week has the promise of plenty to do so relax!

We've had an extended weekend, Bear was off Fri-Mon. we didn't plan anything so it was just time to relax.

We took a walk every morning. Went to Costco, the Farmer's Market. Watched a couple Netflix movies. Did some gardening. BBQed. It was nice to not have anything we had to do.

Last night we ended on a sour note. I know I should have/could have/might have done something differently. But I don't get the male mind sometimes. I didn't see it coming until it was here. After all these years you'd think I'd know but - nope!�We hit the bump in the road and so now there's an air of upset between us.

Hopefully there's another day, another shot at it.�

Just when I was thinking all good thoughts about D. I get thrown into the deep end of his "stupid" pool. It came at me very unexpectedly, doesn't usually? The PC guy was at the house to install a new tower, he had to transfer a bunch of stuff from the old to the new and he had to ask me questions about this and that, ok, everythings fine until...He shows me a series of pix that he couldn't transfer due to a fault in the file, he asks if I need them. I take a casual glance at the shots and to my shock and shame they are porn shots w/D in some of the poses!!

I cannot express how horrified I was but I acted quickly and hopefully unemotionally telling PC guy to delete them. I left the room casually but wanted to run screaming!

I had plenty of time to gain composure before seeing D. that night. I told him how I felt and that I shouldn't ever have to see anything like that in my house again. He was reacting predictably, nervously smiling which sort of ticked me off but I can understand it, lots of people do that at the worst times. It's a defensive smile. Yep, plenty to feel defensive about buddy!

Once again poor D is on my list.

I wil not hold this against him though, I have let it go. I write about it only because that's what I do but I have shown him that he's back in my graces again and he hopefully has learned from this.

Here we go, it's Wednesday and it's going to be HOT.

Mark, the pc guy is coming today. Hope the new(used)pc turns out to be a good buy cause we're stuck with it now. Why do I let the kids talk me into things?

Since school started last week I'm trying to adjust to my new daytime schedule, haven't found my niche (I wish this journal had a sp.check, had to lookup that one!)�just yet but I will. I have to be careful not to start thinking that I need to fill the�empty time�gaps, they will fill in naturally, they always do. I have to ignor the voice that says, "You should be doing more, you should - this, you should - that". I'd like�to have a project though - we'll see.

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