I'm sad for a few reasons.
Mandy & Scarlet left on Sunday and I'm missing them sooo much.
I got a call from cousin Michelle to tell me that Aunt Helen has suffered a massive heart attack and needed surgery. She's come through the surgery and will be in hospital for the next 1-2 wks., they're keeping her unconscience for now. They don't know how (or if) she's going to pull through this. I am very conflicted about going out there to see the family - conflicted and sad.
Then the husband decides to argue with me on Monday about something so stupid, so trivial and then during that arguement he took a verbel swipe at me and it felt just like I'd been kicked. The arguement stopped right then but the feeling that I'd been kicked is still hurting. What an idiot he is sometimes!
Maybe today will be better, I'll get used to Mandy being gone, Aunt Helen will improve and "stupid" will not seem so annoying.
I was surprised when Dad said yes to my invitation. As I think about that right now, it shouldn't have - of course he'd say yes!
I planned the menu with the knowledge that he'd most likely find something wrong with it, I tried. He didn't eat much, didn't finish what was on his plate and refused the watermelon saying, "I hate watermelon".
We enjoyed each other's company though and Lisa told me that he'd said that he liked my dinner - oh! �I'll keep that in mind for next time.
I gave Barry a framed pic of the three grandkids which he loved.�Sean gave him an iTune card that he wanted, Dan gave him a couple bars of his favorite soap which he hoped for. It was a good day, we spent most of it working around the house for the girls' visit but we think getting things done around here is very satisfiying so at the end of the day Barry was happy.
�new subject -
We've set the appt. for Sean's senior pix - I totally can't believe it! He's�growing up all of the sudden. The other day his ortho Dr. sent "before & after" pix - what a trip that was, the before shot was taken 2yrs ago and of course the after is now, amazing difference in his maturity (oh and his teeth!) he really turned more manly - less boyish.
We went ahead and sold his car to Larry the mechanic. He offered us what we'd paid for it so couldn't pass up that opp. to get the oil leaker off our driveway. The search is on for another, better, more reliable, doesn't leak anything car for Sean.
Summer vacation is going well, mostly because he's working this year. Earning money and busy!! Perfect combo.
time to started on this day...
Sheesh! It really can get to me, I don't think I am alone on that. Family can drive you nuts and I suspect it's happening somewhere, right now,�as I'm writing this. Someone is flipping out because of someone in their family.
Ok, my story is that Rusty has me trippin - again! But this time, I'm done! I won't be wasting anymore of my time, thoughts, energy on him and his drama ever again.
What he's done (or hasn't done in this case) is that for the whole time he's been in my FB network of 'friends' he frustrates me�by ignoring my communications with him. Or when he responded to one of my notes to him, he writes things that try to prevoke sympathy from me. His "poor me" theme has me completely bored! I refuse to�be affected by it. As I said, "I'm done" being sucked in. His latest, his bankruptcy decision and how much it'll cost him, was what he chose to write to me on FB of all places! It's not that I don't care, I do, it's that FB is not the forum for that kind of news. He could have called me or written an email if he absolutely needed to share that with me. And I say that because the fact that he's in such financial trouble is really none of my business - what can I do about it? Feel bad is all, unless, he had a hope that I might attempt to bail him out. Which is what I suspected, my first thought was that I was being manipulated with pity, which is his MO now (the last couple yrs actually).
It's not only me that he ignors, I see that he treats pretty much everyone that way - ie: he gets a birthday wish from Mandy and never acknowledges it - never! Why are you on FB anyway? Peeping Tom perhaps?? You want to watch people's lives without being obligated in anyway? Hey, it's not like we needed much from you!
I think the 'straw' was really the fact that he ignored our stepmother's death. It remains that he hasn't communicated with our father on that subject. It's stupid for me to defend him, I can't anymore. Though I won't let anyone diss him either.
So, the other night I told him (email) that I didn't want him sharing my FB any longer if he couldn't particapate or�contribute. Again, he pulls the pity card on me with his, "you need not be so stern" to�which I responded simply this, "aw".�
NOW GO PITY�YOURSELF LITTLE BROTHER! YOU WON'T BE GETTING�ANYTHING FROM ME AS LONG AS YOU WON'T STAND UP AND TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR LIFE.��
This past Saturday we held a Sample Sale for Pam. The take ($$) was very disappointing - definately not worth the time and effort.
We had gotten the stuff over here on Friday and spent a couple hours organizing everything then went for my Mother's Day dinner out up to Olive Garden. After that we decided to stop in and see Dad. It was a nice visit,�when Barry�invited him to come down on Sat. for the sale I really didn't think he'd come - he did!!
A small action can make a huge impact, you just never know.
I've spent too much time on the outside looking in to recognize what it's like to be�an insider.
That's what I'm afraid of and�that I might sabotage myself with my father and his family. I am told that I am�"family", they have been including me since Shirley's illness and death. Lisa and Dad at least, are calling and saying all the right words, I have a really good vibe when I'm around them and want to be more and more. But the doubts creep in my thoughts after a little bit, like when I called to see how his dr. appt. went he�said�that I didn't need to call. I played it off but felt the wall come up. That's something you tell an outsider not your daughter. Hmm..thinking�here now that I've reread that last paragraph -�that's about him, yes!
See? I think my own insecurities�about his love for me�run around in my mind and might�try to keep things from changing. When I lay my 'cards' on the table I can see that my relationship with him is getting much better and that has to remain�the focus and don't let my 'little abandonded girl' do the interpreting of his words/actions. She doesn't trust him and rightfully so. But I'm in charge now, I can and will protect her from being hurt. I can speak for her and give her what she needs.�Speaking of 'needs' �I have the strongest feeling that he's the dependent one in this relationship. I think he's most comfortable with people that don't need anything from�him emotionally speaking.
I have to remind myself everytime I feel...what is it?...happy? excited? hopeful? not sure exactly, maybe something like those, anyway when I get that feeling, I immediately think to myself, "hold it, don't make any conclusions just yet, don't be expecting too much cause you got to keep the old man from running". I am almost convienced that that's what he's most attracted to in Lisa, she's a very strong, independent woman and I know, for myself,�she makes me feel very comfortable around her, I see that he definately does�too.
There has to be a balance though, if I project too much independence it could look like I'm standoffish and if I lean on him too much he'll topple over. It's a tightrope at this point.
I really needed to get these thoughts down and out of my head. In time I will see, things will work out and everything's going to be fine.
Today's question: "What would you do with your life today if you weren't afraid of failure?"
I don't know about my whole life but as I think about the short term, I have hope that I am doing it now.
I'm getting somewhere with my father after all these years. If I can continue without fear of failure I believe I will have everything I've ever wanted.
Before I can answer that question I need to start by asking, "What do I expect of myself?"
I have a list of expectations!
�to be happy
�to�take care of myself and stay healthy
�to keep learning new things
�to be generous not selfish
�to be honest with myself and others
�to take the risk for love
�to remain faithful
�to love my kids no matter what
�
I think that covers the deeper expectations and then there are the superficial ones:
�I expect�myself to exercise everyday, shower and dress nice,�do my�hair & make up. In other words I expect myself to get it together everyday.�
�I expect to make the bed and clean up all messes everyday.
�I expect that I will be there if my family needs me for whatever they need.
�I expect that I will not break any laws for any reason.
�I will not let anyone speak of bigotry in my presence.
�I will help you in anyway I can.
That seems like a good start, off hand I can't think of anything else.
So if I expect these (and probably more) from me, I in turn, expect the same from others.
��
Over the weekend we celebrated little Lily's 1st birthday at Ryan's house. It was a very laid back, comfortable, easy & fun�event. I want to�compare it�to Sophie's 1st bday just for the moment to make the point of how time can change everything. Boy oh boy, in a major way too! R & K put so much (too much!) thought and effort into their first daughter's 1st bday and what did they get for that? Well, that's all history now and better off leaving it there. I'm just really glad that they seem to have learned some things since then - namely that a child's first bday� party doesn't have to be something that you need to go overboard on and get all wound up about.
I talked to Dad the other day, we're going to get together for lunch this week (Wed.), I'm glad he was open to that, hope it's good.
I'm totally shinin Evelyn since the last time she called me. I knew she was trying to manipulate me into doing something for her by bribing me. I don't like her style at all, on the one hand she comes off as a very honest person but then she pulls this kind of thing and makes me want to run.
Bear put up a new bird feeder for me over the weekend, we think this one will be rat-proof, at least we hope so.
We got the plane tix for Mandy & Scarlet's visit in June, can't wait!
Helped Sean with his "Timeline" report, gadz! I hate this thing! I can't let him know it because he's even said as much. But what I think about these type of school projects is, "it's none of their GD business"!!!!! I mean really, timelines for history - fine, our family timeline - noway! Still gotta put some crap in there and we found some (mostly Bear's fam history) and it's due on Thurs., good get it over with!
gotta run
I guess it's possible to worry about more things, I thought I'd reached 'critical mass' on worries but nope, there's room for more!
California has opened that 'can of worms' again. I'm referring to the marriage equality issue. It gets my blood going when I listen to the bigots. I can't understand why it's so important to them to keep people from being married.�I saw this lady on the news yesterday, she'd gone to city hall to protest (she's a yes for the ban) and when asked why she chose to say that it's for her kids to know the truth, that marriage is only for a man and a woman, not...yada-yada-yada. Heard that before, shut up!!
My thought is this: What is that woman going to think/say/do if one of her presious kids wants to marry a same sex person?
I don't think she's considering that. I've talked with people that want the ban and aren't able to answer that question for me. I guess they must be just crossing their fingers against that happening.
I believe that a popular vote, and a�narrow lead at that, shouldn't decide to take away any of our rights. This has been proven in history to be wrong, interracial marriage for instance. The majority voted against that too! Our culture naturally evolves and over time we change.
The arguement that it's about the word 'marriage' and�that same sex couples shouldn't be able to have that word�because it's somehow sacred. That is total BS, the only sacred marriage is the one you get in a church! Everyone else is just plain legally�married!
I am so irratated by this whole thing, it dominates my thoughts when I let it. I have done what I can to help open the hearts and minds of people around me. I've donated to the larger cause so now I just wait.
I'm pretty happy today. Had a good weekend with the hubs. He was off Friday so three days was good. Got to take a couple walks, and on Sunday we got to sleep in cause of the rain.
On our walk we talked about Radar, he told me that he regrets not staying with him in his last moments. We both have regrets, we did what we thought was best at the time. That's the thing about regret, it's almost impossible to avoid it.
My heart still aches when I think about him, it's still amazingly wierd when I come home and he's not there but�I'm not looking for him everytime now, I'm not crying as easily as I was. I do still feel strangely angry when I see other people with their dogs. I think about how fast our time with Radar went by, I regret not treasuring it more. I can't imagine another dog - ever. It's just too sad to loose them.
Got a call from Lisa yesterday. I love her, she's always shown me that she cares about me and she's such a genuine person. I am proud of her, she's overcome some pretty challenging hurdles in her life. She has a good heart, she's easy to be around, she's very funny and she has a comfort about herself which makes you feel the same when you're with her.
She's been my stepsister forever, well for her it's been like forever because she was 6 when my dad met her mom, I was 16. I was busy with my life when my father decided that it would be ok for him to move out of the house where he, Bear and I were living together and�go move in�with Shirley and her two kids that were still living�with her.
I didn't spend very much time�over there, I think I can only remember one invitation from Shirley to come eat with them. It wasn't long before they all moved from SF to Petaluma which put a 1hr. drive between us which only served to justify our growing distance.
As the years went by and�I�began my family I started to realize that my father didn't really seem to care about participating in that. He was busy with his new family. Shirley's children kept him busy,�Lisa was the baby in the house and the last to move out.�She had a good thing going there which didn't go�unnoticed on the visits we'd make a few times a year. I'd�hear the special nicknames they had for each other.�I'd notice their inside jokes,�and the bowling trophies�on display.
I don't know when exactly, I knew that she�was my Daddy's Girl, and that she thought of him as her dad. It wasn't a conscience thing, it just sort of became part of the story as time went by. I don't think I resented her, as I don't think I do now. I know that once in awhile I'd feel jealous but it wasn't ever something I couldn't handle. I was used to being in the�background of my father's life. I was used to getting�his leftovers, used to chasing him.
In our conversation yesterday I felt the love and respect that I have for her and at the same time the old jealousy tweaked my heart a couple times. I hope she didn't know, I don't want to make this time any harder than it�already is for her�(grieving the loss of her mother). I want to be supportive. I want to fit in. She called to make sure that I knew that my family�is considered included in the hour before the memorial starts�for "the kids" to be part of an "unvailing" of the urn that�Dad selected and no�one has seen yet. I appreciated that because Dad had mentioned that that was going to take place but the way he phrased it, it sounded like that was going to be a time for just Shirley's kids. I could respect that if that's what they wanted, like I said, I'm used to the background.
If you were listening to�my end of that phone call you wouldn't think there was anything difficult other than the obvious ( ie;memorial plans)�but I felt the familiar�tap on�my shoulder of the "other me" that had to take the phone and do the responding while Lisa told me the stories of how she's there for him and how he is turning to her.�
I had to tell her that he's pushed me away, that he told me, "You don't need to keep checking on me." I was comforted by her encouragement that�I need to ignor that talk from him and go see or call him anytime I feel like it, in fact,�he's told her the same thing.�She made sense, he doesn't know what he needs and we just want to show we care. I was impressed with her maturity in that knowledge.
In time, I'm hopeful that I can find my place with my father without having to push Lisa aside.
Sometimes that's all you need. Just a flash of a thought can change your whole outlook.
I was thinking about something, trying to come to a conclusion and realized that I wasn't able to do that. I told myself that it's probably because my mind is foggy from grief. I'm not myself, I shouldn't try to make up my mind just yet. I need to give myself some time, the "grief filter" isn't allowing me to think right.
In that moment I realized that the talk I had with Bear the night before was a total mistake! I was completely wrong to blame him for what went wrong in the bedroom. I had used words�like, "always" and�"never", that's�totally unfair.�I'm just not myself these days, I'm going through a very sad thing and it's normal to have an affect on my intimate life. I didn't see that at that time but I do now. I said some things to him that hurt him and I was wrong, it was my fault that I wasn't satisfied.
I needed to�share this with�him, he listened and forgave me. The honesty between us has always been there but here and now I find it amazing that there is still the ability to grow.
Everyday I think it's getting better. I miss my dog but I don't have that painful lump in my throat all the time. Yesterday I went back to work, Pam said I didn't have to but I thought I could. It was kind of hard to concentrate, don't know if that was because of my grief or just because it's been a few months since I've had that much work. Her slow season has ended and it looks promising so far that the first quarter will be good.
I've been really distracted, living inside my head, not feeling like anything matters. Just moving through the day waiting for it to be over.�Over the weekend Barry made me go for a walk with him, I was glad to move around, breath in the cold air, it was good - until�the first time I saw someone walking their dog, oh crap - my first thought - "that dog is gonna die someday and you're going to be as sad as me!"�
Can you imagine how crazy I'd look if I did that? I guess I'll stop thinking thoughts like that in time. Dan told me that one way to get over the loss of a dog is to get another - NO WAY! Not ready for that!! I've wished (before Radar died)�we could have another�dog, one that is small/doesn't shed/can sit on your lap but as�much as I thought I wanted that then, I don't want it now.�I'm just so sad, every dog just reminds me of that Radar is gone and he isn't ever coming back. How�I feel when I�remember�how he looked at me that last night, how he tried to follow me out of the vets office.�
I know it's going to be ok, there's no way around this, I have to go through it, I�can, I will feel better...�
I laughed last night, I laughed until I cried. I felt it turning into sadness and I forced myself to�not leave the room, stay and keep watching the video with Bear and Sean. I wanted to them to see me be normal again.�
I had to tell myself, "it's ok to laugh". I have to forgive myself, I have to know that it was the right decision. I have to remind myself that he's in a better place, that he's no longer in pain, that he's free now, he's happy.
It is so surprising how hard it hits me that he's not here and he's never coming back.�There is no bark when the doorbell rings. The silence actually hurts me. The spot where his pillow has been�is empty, there is no water bowl to keep an I on, and no wet paws to be cleaning up after when it's raining - like today.�I feel so lonely, so enormously alone.�
It's shocking how fast and strong�the tears come when that finality�hits me. I�feel embarrassed, Bear and Sean aren't acting any different. I know they care, I know they loved him but it's just different for them. I think Bear understands me but Sean�doesn't want to see me this way. I get that, he wants his mom to handle it, get over it, be strong. I will, I'm trying.�
I found some information on the vet's website that helped me yesterday. It tells that it's normal to feel this loss�in much the same way that I'd feel the loss of a person. It's going to take time, I'll get through it, I'll miss him but he'll always be in my heart. ���
"Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I really need it."
How timely this quote is. It tells the story of our dog's life. He's gone now. He's at peace.
He is missed.
I'm so tired this morning. And I imagine Sean is too. He didn't know he was going to be kept�up when he turned in at around 11:30�last night.�
Radar wouldn't be quiet, he was begging from his spot in the kitchen and the noise was just enough to keep Sean awake.�After trying what he knows to�make the dog quit he comes to me. I was asleep for a short while by that time so I don't really know what to think and figure the dog just wants to relieve himself outside - so I put him�out and wait. He just stands there for what seemed like forever. I urged him to go and he usually does what I say but he just stood there and then layed down! Whatha?! It's freezing�out there, "come!" Nope, he wasn't gonna do that either, I had to put the leash on him and tug it to make him get back in the house.�
This is so wierd for him not to obey, I know he's sick and that could be resulting in�wierd behaviors but usually he obeys if he can. And he could have because once the leash�was on him he got right up and walked into the house. I told him to "down" on his pillow, "stay". I went back to bed but�within the next half hour Sean was back to�tell me he was at it again.
My only idea was to toss his pillow out on the deck and let him be out there all night. Of course I kept one�ear on the back yard, I�kept waking up wondering if he was making any noise out there.�He's never slept all night outdoors, and it seems like it wouldn't be comfortable at all - it's in the *30's out there!
I checked on him when I got up�at 5:30�he was awake, he looked at me but wasn't interested in coming in. WIERD!! What do I do?�He's sick, his heart is not beating right according to the vet, what would he say if I told him the dog wants to sleep outside? I feel stupid to call about this but I don't want another night like last night.�
Saturday morning started just like it usually does. The call came just as we were heading out the door for our walk.
Dan hadn't gotten far from our house when he drove his car blindly into the curb. The tire blew out, the rim was ruined and after Bear put the spare on we found that the damage was much worse - the spare was on right but it was crooked, oh crap! How much is this going to cost?!
As the story goes (as always) it wasn't his fault, the window was fogged up and the sun blinded him completely so when he made the left onto McDowell he just couldn't see where he was going and hit the turned out curb for the bus stop. Ok, now what?
He has to get to work, I go back home to borrow his brother's car so he can get going. He & Dad wait for the tow truck which will take his car to BigO. He heads off to work while we handle everything - as usual.
Long boring story cut short: BigO says it'll be $2500 to repair. The car isn't worth that much - not that he has it in the first place! Ok, now what? He has to have a car.
Dan & Dad went out on Sunday and got him another. It's very sharp. Hope he can make the payments...
Why am I writing about this? Because what occured to me is that as soon as�we took his call�about what happened, his problem became OUR problem! Why is that?�I/We don't know how to stand back and watch our�children suffer.�And - he isn't even a child, he's 21, he should be handling his own problems!
I keep writing (ranting) about what he should have done, what he should've known, then I backspace it out!�I'm not getting to what I'm really trying to get at here.
What are my feelings?
I'm mad, I'm resentful. He ruined my day, I didn't get to exercise and then I worried all day after that. The thought "what is he going to do?" kept buggin me.� All his recent screw-ups came flooding in to cloud up my thoughts and keep me from dealing with the here and now. I feel like I'm being overwhelmed with worries.�
1 - My dog�is dying.
2 -�My father is mourning.
3 - now this!!
As I look at it now it really doesn't seem like it should be overwhelming.�I've outlined�them�extremely short, each issue, on it's own, is very intense. Understand all the attachments to each one, there is too much!
I'm bummed, that's it.
I really need time to explore my feelings with regard to the way things seem to be going with my Dad.
I've got two very separate stories going here. There is his: He's a grieving widower, trying to be a comfort to his stepchildren, and learning to face each day alone.
Then there is mine: I've been an outsider in his life, I've had to watch him raise�his�third wife's�daughter all the while knowing he wasn't there to raise me (even worse, my younger brother). I was alienated, on occasion, by his wife and he stood�by�her. I've held hope all�the while that someday�we'd be able to build a closer relationship, I never gave up.������ I KNOW my place: I totally sympathize with his loss and the loss of my step-sibs for the�mother. For them it is a very great loss - they are suffering and I respect that, and even feel their sadness. I also�grieve for a stepmom that had been good to me at times.
With that said, there is a glimmer of new hope for me. He said some very good things to me & Bear over our last visit.�He may be really understanding his daughter�is a VIP in his life and he should show her that he values that.
That should be a no-brainer but it hasn't ever been!�
I'm very optomistic, but cautious.�
He's suddenly not himself. We took him to see the vet on Tuesday after he fell the second time. When he went down the first time we heard it but no one was in the room to see what happened. We just heard a loud noise and when we got there he was laying on the floor instead of his pillow, all stretched out on his side. We knew the noise was him hitting the floor. That was Monday night, then Tuesday morning again -�this time I made him stand up and he really had trouble getting on his feet. His legs seemed very wobbley like he could go down at any point.
The whole day before seeing the vet he was only interested�in�laying on his pillow, he�even ignored his food!� When the man came to work on my PC�he usually�barks alot - nope, he ignored that too. We had to lift him into the truck - no way could he jump up there like he used to.�He usually is very excited whenever he's in the truck but he just layed down - wierd!
At this point the vet isn't able to pinpoint what the problem is exactly, he was only able to say that from what I told him, the xrays and the bloodwork results he believes there is something seriously wrong.�
I knew that! $500.00 to learn what I already knew! All he could do now is to refer me to�specialist - uh - no. Can't go any further, we can't afford even what we've spent so far.
I'm left with guilt, anxiety and sadness. He's been a good dog, he's our friend and I don't want to see him suffer. At this point all there is to do is wait and see & HOPE.
I filled in my new calendar yesterday. I�went page by page copying the important dates from the last year's calendar. I made note of the ages of the birthdays we'll celebrate, I note the years of the anniversaries, the age of my dog and the years we've lived in this house.
It always is amazing to watch a year go by in just the 10minutes it takes to organize the days on the pages. I know time doesn't pass that quickly but by this time next year I'll have my doubts about that!
I wonder what memories I'll have, what goals I'll reach, what I'll look forward to.
Time is such a wierd thing, while we don't notice it as we drift along we tend to take it for granted and only appreciate that when we are faced with the possibility that it will end. Having the honor of being part of Shirley's last days has me wishing I had the power to stop the clock, or at least freeze it now and then.
I could cry (and I have) when I realize that this life I have will not last forever. I hope my love will. I hope I'll be remembered, what can I do today to make sure I am?� That sounds like a resolution!
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