When I was a little girl I'd think "what if..." and it always led to anxiousness, a sort of shakey feeling in my stomach and sometimes fear. I remember being told that I shouldn't worry about the "what if's" and that was that. As if they knew that all things would just take care of themselves. But I knew different. Things don't work out, they fall apart usually, you don't know what's going to happen to you and you'd better watch out. My grown-ups were not so good at life. They messed up in ways I couldn't understand back then, what I know now is that they shouldn't have had children when they did, then when they divorced they could have moved on�without looking back. Oh, wait - that's what they did! And that's when the "what if's" became real for me.
That was then and�this is now, I'm in charge now and I can make my life what I want it to be...right? I want to and for the most part I think I'm doing good. But I still feel small when I get to thinkin "what if". It's not always a bad what if, like now, I'm wondering what if I could become something more than I am now. I want to bring something new into my life, I want to make something more of myself. And as soon as I think it I feel like a deer caught in the headlights, frozen.
Can I trust myself to take care of me as I go forward into the unknown? I want to...
Add comment
