Holly's Journal

I am in soooo much pain right now! I had an EMG test yesterday to measure nerve inflamation. The neurologist put wires on different parts of my body, then shocked me all over with this thing that looked like a stun gun. He recorded the results on a laptop with a bunch of graphs on it. Ifmy nervesweren't inflamed before, they are now! I feel like I am still being shocked.

I saw my new therapist today. He was nice.

I wrote a letter to George. He called Pat yesterday and said he was still mad at me. He was the one that picked a fight with me two days before my cat was scheduled to die! But I was very fair in the letter. I said we both made mistakes. Let's just drop this petty stuff. I didn't tell him, butI am sick of being the "noble" one.

I am sick of being brave too. I recieved a letter from disability the day the cat died. They are investigating me for the first time in over 2 years.If I don't fill out the form correctly and return it, they could cut off my disability. I tried to fill out the form that night but I messed it up. I have to call them for a new one. I was just looking for the form. I found it in a box of papers in my closet. I tried to putthe boxback in my closet, but all the papers fell out. Something snapped in me. I wanted to scream, but didn't, because I didn't want to wake Pat up (it was 3AM). I wanted to beat things with my dollar store cane that I can't use because the rubber tip wore off. I wanted to run down the street in my pajamas, but I can't run anymore. I picked up the papers from the floor, the bookshelf, everywhere. I was breathing so hard I was afraid I would hyperventilate. I went downstairs and sat in my favorite chair, eating a banana and telling myself to calm down.

I can be brave for the big stuff. It's the little things that get me.

The mobile vet is coming to the house this Thursday to put our cat deena to sleep. Please say a prayer to whomever or whatever you believe in. Thanks.

I saw the neurologist today. She was nice but doesn't know what is wrong with me. She is going to run tests a month from now. It's going to be a longggggg month.

Meanwhile George and I had a huge fight. I don't know if we can be friends. What next???

Deena, our cat that has terminal liver cancer, is very lethargic. She is not her usual playful self. She shrinks away from being petted. Her abdomen is bloated. She has trouble squatting to use her litter box. Pat has decided to call the mobile vet tomorrow. The vet will come to the house and give Deena a lethal injection within the next few days. We will bury her in our yard, and will get a memorial stone with her name on it to mark the grave.

I feel like I have to be strong for Pat, even though I am facing a horrible unknown illness.

Pat took pictures of the cat with her cell phone. I posed next to Deena in one of them. I smiled for the picture, even though there is a pall of sadness over me.

I see the neurologist tomorrow. I do well for a while, then have some sort of episode where I can hardly move and am in great pain.

Today I walked a mile to the store and went shopping. As the afternoon went on it became harder to move.Pat drove me home on her way home from work. I could barely walk throught the door. I sat in the easy chair for an hour. Pat had to help me up the stairs. I was huffing and puffing like I had just run a marathon.

I laid in bed for about 20 minutes and felt like an invalid. I made myself get upand fill the CD player with my favoriteCDs. I am in severe pain sitting here. But it is better than laying in bed and staring at the cieling.

If you can walk and don't have pain, you are very fortunate. Don't take health for granted. You never know when it will be taken away.

Owwww... I am in sooo much pain! I can barely walk, and it is agony to climb the stairs.Pat stayed home from work because I was crying this morning. I don't cry easily. I called my doc but she wasn't in. I will see another doctor in that practice this afternoon. I am nervous about that. I don't know what this other doctor is like. I don't really trust doctors. But I need one today.

I played my guitar for about a half hour this morning, and it helped. As long as I can still play I will be ok.

I have an open mic tonight at a coffee shop. I have been practicing my butt off and sound pretty good. I am doing all clean stuff because last time there were little kids there. Not sure what I am going to wear. Maybe my black tank top with the studs on it that shows off my music tattoo on my arm.

My cat is dying. Bill collectors are hounding me for stuff that isn't my responsibility. My daughter is moving halfway across the country in a month. Her prickhead father won't even talk to me about it. My whole body stings and itches. My joints ache horribly. Hell, I walk like Quasimodo! All I need is a bell but I'm too exhausted to ring it.

You know what? I am still happy. Nobody can take that away. All those years I was suicidal and wanted to die. Now I may be dying and I don't want to go. I am with a wonderful woman. I write and sing funny songs that make people laugh. I am finally getting along with my parents. I have lots of friends that care about me. I am a good person. I know I am in for a helluva fight. So bring it on!

I have been awake for 38 hours. Our cat, deena, got sick last night around midnight. We took her to the emergency vet. They did some tests and said her liver is enlarged. She needed an ultrasound which had to be done at her regular vet. We got home around 3AM. I stayed up all night with her to make sure she was ok. Pat took her to the vet at 9:30 and left her there. I had a doctor's appointment today, which went well. Thenthe vet called. The ultrasound showed that she has terminal liver cancer. Pat was ok on the phone but as soon as she hung up she nearly collapsed, sobbing. I was holding her up, trying to comfort her.

When we went to get Deena we debated over having her put to sleep right then. We decided that it wasn't her time yet. So I will be staying home with her until she goes. I was supposed to start work at Subway tomorrow but I gave up the job. Deena is more important.

�� The ice cream party went well.� I was very sociable even though I felt like #$%*.

�� I performed at an open mic tonight.� This one was new for me.� There was hardly anyone there because of the holiday.� There were some young kids so I could only do my clean songs.� I sang a kid's song with them.

�� I joked about the stuff we use to clean out our cat Deena's ear.� (We think it is infected.� Gonna call the vet tomorrow.)� It is called "Oticalm".� I think that is misleading because she is anything but calm when we use it.� She is sooo smart that she runs away�when she sees us with the bottle.� I believe in truth in advertising.� It should be called, "Otifrenzy" instead of "Oticalm".� The commercial could be, "Try new Otifrenzy.� It'll drive your cat wild!"