Holly's Journal

I am in soooo much pain right now! I had an EMG test yesterday to measure nerve inflamation. The neurologist put wires on different parts of my body, then shocked me all over with this thing that looked like a stun gun. He recorded the results on a laptop with a bunch of graphs on it. Ifmy nervesweren't inflamed before, they are now! I feel like I am still being shocked.

I saw my new therapist today. He was nice.

I wrote a letter to George. He called Pat yesterday and said he was still mad at me. He was the one that picked a fight with me two days before my cat was scheduled to die! But I was very fair in the letter. I said we both made mistakes. Let's just drop this petty stuff. I didn't tell him, butI am sick of being the "noble" one.

I am sick of being brave too. I recieved a letter from disability the day the cat died. They are investigating me for the first time in over 2 years.If I don't fill out the form correctly and return it, they could cut off my disability. I tried to fill out the form that night but I messed it up. I have to call them for a new one. I was just looking for the form. I found it in a box of papers in my closet. I tried to putthe boxback in my closet, but all the papers fell out. Something snapped in me. I wanted to scream, but didn't, because I didn't want to wake Pat up (it was 3AM). I wanted to beat things with my dollar store cane that I can't use because the rubber tip wore off. I wanted to run down the street in my pajamas, but I can't run anymore. I picked up the papers from the floor, the bookshelf, everywhere. I was breathing so hard I was afraid I would hyperventilate. I went downstairs and sat in my favorite chair, eating a banana and telling myself to calm down.

I can be brave for the big stuff. It's the little things that get me.