She is definitely the most wonderful and beautiful woman, and i've spent so much time looking in a direction that was not Hers.� Now, i can see Her for Her.� i saw Her true self continuously for the first time this weekend, i will hold onto that, i will not let it go because of my insecurities about myself.� my insecurities have nothing to do with Her, She is by far more beautiful than i could have ever imagined to be possible.� i will attack Her, say bad things about Her, i will await Her time, when it is right for Her to talk to me, i will be patient, and if that means i must wait a month to speak with Her, even though it will hurt, and i will miss that beautiful smile, and voice, i will wait.� She is truly a gift from Heaven, and i will cherish that gift, and love Her in a way that is condusive to Her, if it's only loving Her as a friend, then that's what it must be.�
How wierd it is to say that I am looking for love..I do not mean SEX..which one can think about . The meaning that I have for love is something above it. Its the value to the relationship given and way its� expressed. Hope to find one soon...
Hey journal, My attitude is so bad of course I have cronic enxiety which is not good. But I should not let my enxiety controle my or my image. People out there if you have a problem with attitude or fitts or some kind of problem cool it down by takina walk or eating or even taking a couple of deep breathes. �
12/12/09 7pm
Well, today I'm having some emotional struggles up and downs.� I've had moments that my heart jumps and think on how prior to exactly 7 days ago he used to always ask me if I still love him (constantly) and that If I was his, and I'd ask him if he's mine and that if he has eyes for me only or if he's always faithful to me while he's at work, he'd always answer yes and I'd always answer yes too.....� today, we don't care to ask that to each other any more.�
I found out he has been making "social" phone calls to different community hotlines for a while now..... when I first discovered it over 4 months ago he swore up and down that it was a co-worker who he was lending his phone to, yeah right!� I confronted him about a recent activity which happened to be on a day that I was visiting my mom who was sick over at a hospital which was over 1 1/2 hr drive.� When I discovered this he said it was not him, that the phone is acting up, he also did it during a day that we spent at DMV to inspect his vehicle to get it back on the road again.� WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY?WHYYYYYYYYY????????????????? gosh, it hurts soooo much!!!!!!!!!!!!!
He finally admitted it, looked at my crying and swore that nothing bad ever happened, that he never spent a penny on it., and that he won't do it again because he loves me, I believe him.�
I won't lye, I've been checking the phone records, no sign of daring calls like that, but then I wonder if he's using his business phone to do those calls, or maybe even meet someone physically or be with someone physically while he's at work, I worry so much, it's not even funny.� It's very very very hard to trust him again.
Can someone outthere gimme please some encouraging words.� I'm hurting so much, I love this man soooooo much!
I'm really starting to annoy myself. My mind's always on him. I don't understand it. By now he probabaly, if anything, thinks I'm some creaper. I don't understand why I feel how I could like him oh so much. Is it due to the fact that he reminds me of those in my past? Or could it be just because of his qualitys? I mean hell, how can I even think I like him? I've never had the courage to even say a word to him. Oh gods, I'd love it if I did. Imagine how things might be? Oh gods, this is horrible. I've never regreted anything in my entire life so far. But I think I might be regreting, maybe hating the fact I don't have the guts to talk to him. It makes me feel so inferior. Sad thing is I know that if he'd talk to me first I wouldn't be having any problems with any of this.� I guess this all is the joy of being a teenager, in highschool, of all places. It makes me wish I could fast forward time all the way to at least my twentys. Just throw away my teenage years, please.
I think god works in strange ways. you know why i think so? because when the whole world tells me to go after this 19 year old who has constantly flirted with me and i will add that he is friends with my sisters boyfriend he is the guy i always find myself crying over. Recently i was cheated on and i have been looking for someone who would understand that and i really thought it was him. So, many things we've said to each other that made it seem that him and i would maybe work. He called me beautiful instead of hott, he always i.ms trying to catch my attention but, he flirts with my friend amanda too. I know what you're thinking - WELL OBVIOUSLY, if hes flirting with your friend that hes a total manwhore. Yes people i am aware of that but, when he flirts with her its more of a "i wanna fuck around with you attitude". But..when hes talk to me it's more of a deep conversation where its like he has respect for me. I really dont know. So, anyways how i found out he was like this was last night while we were sitting inside the place where he worked. His friend said to him "Man, you gotta stop tryna get wit all these girls." and my heart dropped. you know that feeling in your chest like you wanna cry and scream and your so mad? Well, that was running through my body. So, what shocked me the most was his response "They dont care." Like he has NO respect for girls. So, then�i think�back to all the conversations we've had....and i just sat there and looked away and i was just silent. What more could i do? Im so sick of getting hurt. That pain is just so overwhelming it affects everything and not having anyone to confide in when the rest of the world was against you when YOU yourself was the victim it hurts..I remember every night for the past 2 and a half weeks i cried myself to sleep. I couldnt be alone, or that pain would just overwhelm me like, i couldnt even control myself. None, even gave a shit all they did was talk about me and how being depressed was STUPID?.. When i say that human beings are disgusting and vile im not lying. theyre so vindictive(sp?) and selfish and so ignorant that all they think about is themselves and they find ways to bring people down out of jealousy or maybe just because theyre hateful people. But then that leaves the 11% of the world that care about other people and are so understanding and good. I wish we could just unite because i know that that would be pure peace. Anyways, so i always get these vibes from people, you know? like if they were bad people or good people or�maybe a misunderstood person like myself. So, the vibe i got from James, well truth is i never really cared what vibe i got just loved him he was so amazing i just found myself liking him and didnt care what vibes i got. So, back to the situation, a few nights ago he told me about his ex. How she used him, cheated on him, and she hurt him. That reflected on how he said 'they dont care' like he wanted to get back on girls for how how much hurt he felt? If you could understand that. Maybe, he was still hurting inside and getting with girls made him feel better or better yet that he tried to take that pain away or make it subside like the pain i had that hurtful pain. Sometimes, i understand people well thats a lie ALL THE TIME I UNDERSTAND PEOPLE. I understand how they act, what resulted to them acting like that. My fear is that im wrong maybe Amanda was right 'hes 19! what do you expect?' but, if you've been cheated on..wouldnt you have learned already??.. I dont know.�i am so confused sometimes i dont even know what im saying. UGHHHH. Lets see what happens in the future, i might as well stay away from him. Its the best thing to do..right?
It was Saturday and I was working.� Lila was with me and we just lunged Libertine and then left.� He seemed to enjoy it, but number of bucks and plays was less than the first time.
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