Ok so i've done some soul searching and what I have found is that it is just not me that i need to be happy with but everything in my life....yes i miss the people that have passed....yes i admit that i miss my ex....not much but the fun we used to have....but my new guy is better at making me laugh....that is good.....everything i've been through the last 2 years has rocked my world....i've changed people tell me not for the best but in fact for the worse....BUT i feel for the better...yes i'm a nice person BUT i still have the cappability to be a BITCH....yes it is true......But as easy as it is to fall into the BITCH act it's alot harder to like myself in that role...i'm a very pasiant person, loving person, caring person.....but I can still be a BITCH whenever the mood strikes....I just don't like to be :)
In 2002 something really horrible happened to me. It was a living, breathing nightmare. It lasted for two years. I lived with a man who beat me constantly. He'd even come home from work miles away from home to do it.
Sometimes I wish the people in my life could understand what it feels like to be me sometimes but they can't. No one can. Yes, I get therapy. I take medications. These things help some.
I never realized that physical and sexual abuse would follow me in my mind for years like this. It's a never-ending nightmare. Then, just when I'm feeling semi-normal someone came into my friends home and attempted to rape me while my three-year daughter slept next to me. Fortunately, I had a weapon beside me which I guess he didn't see because I knocked the shit out of him. I still don't know who he was but I would have recognized him if he'd came back in the next few days because I hit him with that ball bat on the side of his head hard.
I'm having serious problems with sex in my relationship. I don't want it to be this way. I'm 44, this shouldn't be happening to me. This shouldn't be happening to ANY woman but here it is happening to me. I'm trying to recover; seeming to take forever. I keep wondering how long he's gonna hang in there. It's difficult to be kicked when you're already down.
I try so hard to have a positive attitude. I try that by reading books and re-programming my subconscious. I'm sick of mind replaying the shit over and over inside my head. I hate this happened but happen it did. I haven't written but a bare minimum. I'm not looking for any sympathy, how can anyone say anything to make me feel "better"?
I just wish I could erase that part of my life and be "normal" inside of all messed up inside my own mind. I wonder if I'll ever make it back. I don't dwell on it unless intimacy is involved. I get ....I can't describe it. I want to show my feelings but there is so much internal fear that love will turn against me into a violent hate and I KNOW he's not like that but the fear is still there. Sighhhh.
a fake smile is all it takes to blow your cover
they can see right through you
like you dont exist
if you went away
no one would care
no one would even notice
your worthless, useless and shameful
nothing more then a wrist without a razor
resorting because your weak
weak, but its whatyou are
i give up
kill me now,
i've lost the will to live
and im making the same mistakes again.
A Movie night. Funnnn. [:
Mr. Magoriums Wonder Emporium. That was a cute show. Natalie Portman and Justin Batemen. Never heard of Him before though. Oh well. ill google him. iMDb. Kinda cool actually. Popcorn till i practially choked it up.
No new pictures from it though so heres one of a funnish day from one of my previuos adventures. It's a camp thing. My first REAL camping trip with Tasia krytsal and Kaejay
Anyways, that's it for now, so check it out tommorrow. [:
I HATE MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHH!!!!!
OMG!!!!! I HATE MY GOT DAMN,
CRAPPY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If someone has no motivation for anything anymore is it wrong ? i found out that i have no motivation for anyhting anymore . I just sit around and write. I dont make an effort to see my friends or talk to them .I listen to music that makes me question my self at times. Its not the best thing in the world , thats one thing i know but will it ever stop? will i ever figure out what the point is anymore?! is there really any meaning for anything anymore ? i know this is a shiitty bunch of thoughts but its the way im starting to see everything these days * You gave up on all your dreams along the way**
last year i met this guy he was nice buthe is the most ANNOYING THING EVER!!!!! his name stephan reed
After my conversation wtih my gal friends today, I felt so drained, so tired coz they're so negative. Guys, do u know that u have build�a terrible reputation for yourself ? Women find it so hard to trust u! My conversation with gals always revolve around how guys r cheating on their gfs .I feel so disappointed. I mean, certainly there r honest,faithful, really great guys out there right? So why am I not meeting there yet? I know there r guy out there who think the same - that girls r doing a great job on cheating their bfs as well...but for me, I can really guarantee I will stay faithful to my husband as long as I love him. There is no way I will split my heart into 2.
I just think that maybe it's time my gal friends stop telling me how bad guys r or how upset/uncertain they r in their r/s.
God, just really wish, pple can understand me. Being single is OKAY - I'm really starting to believe in this statement. There's nothing wrong if I'm single and virgin at 25.
�I'm really happy with being myself right now, although feeling lonely, just wished there's somebody to hug me and tell me everything's gonna be okay.
We r really just being more than physical beings. Can we ever look beyond this fact?!
hey if your reading this i need some idvise on how to tell a girl you like her thx
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ania 33, Female, Philippines - 2 entries
