In 2002 something really horrible happened to me. It was a living, breathing nightmare. It lasted for two years. I lived with a man who beat me constantly. He'd even come home from work miles away from home to do it.
Sometimes I wish the people in my life could understand what it feels like to be me sometimes but they can't. No one can. Yes, I get therapy. I take medications. These things help some.
I never realized that physical and sexual abuse would follow me in my mind for years like this. It's a never-ending nightmare. Then, just when I'm feeling semi-normal someone came into my friends home and attempted to rape me while my three-year daughter slept next to me. Fortunately, I had a weapon beside me which I guess he didn't see because I knocked the shit out of him. I still don't know who he was but I would have recognized him if he'd came back in the next few days because I hit him with that ball bat on the side of his head hard.
I'm having serious problems with sex in my relationship. I don't want it to be this way. I'm 44, this shouldn't be happening to me. This shouldn't be happening to ANY woman but here it is happening to me. I'm trying to recover; seeming to take forever. I keep wondering how long he's gonna hang in there. It's difficult to be kicked when you're already down.
I try so hard to have a positive attitude. I try that by reading books and re-programming my subconscious. I'm sick of mind replaying the shit over and over inside my head. I hate this happened but happen it did. I haven't written but a bare minimum. I'm not looking for any sympathy, how can anyone say anything to make me feel "better"?
I just wish I could erase that part of my life and be "normal" inside of all messed up inside my own mind. I wonder if I'll ever make it back. I don't dwell on it unless intimacy is involved. I get ....I can't describe it. I want to show my feelings but there is so much internal fear that love will turn against me into a violent hate and I KNOW he's not like that but the fear is still there. Sighhhh.
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