shejustloves's Journal

Oct 2006
4:19 AM CST

How is it that I am so in love with two guys? My husband of four years is a great guy but not exactly there for me emotionally...not the way I thought my marriage would ever turn out. I waited until mid 20's to get married for the reason that I wanted to be sure and I was sure. Now, everything has changed. I see him becoming more and more of an alcoholic and I don't know how to control it. So I do all I know is comfortable I resort back to old love letters from ex's and especialliy the one that I have never fallen out of love with. I guess it is hard to call him a boyfriend...I was the other woman. I wasn't married at the time but he was and still is. It ended badly, as most affairs do and I didn't think that I would see him again. Four years ago as my husband and I were building our house my husband set up a plumbing and heating company to do the work and of course they would send my ex!!!! My husband know nothing about our relationship and all though he is still not sure what went on he knows something did...he has never pressed the issue and neither have I. As C was up working on our house I felt the connection again so deep so real so wrong. Now 4 years later we still talk when we run into each other and neither spouse is around...which isn't often...but I know that he is planning a divorce once his child is 18...6years from now. And I am so in love with him still. I can't help but think that fate brought him to our house 4 years ago and it is fate that throws us into each others paths to this day. He has always said that I am exactly what he is looking for in a woman and God knows he is what I am looking for. He had told his dad about me and when his dad confronted me he said "he loves you please don't give up on my son." On the same hand I did not get married to turn around and see if the grass is greener on the other side. I love my husband and I know that he loves me. We have a house and a history we have our own amazing love story and plans for a family we have been through some really trying times and some of the happiest times...we have a future mapped out how can I think I could just walk away to see what is awaiting me? Yet how can I go through life wondering what could have been. Is there such a thing as fate?