scarlett's Journal

hahaha, ok, so, I went to the starbucks opening at the mall today and a local singing group wrote a song especially for the occasion, something like, "frappuccinos, cappuccinos and deserts, something something, we're gonna treat you right!" so if you hear it on a commercial in future, it all started at the mall at marathon in the bahamas!

I love my dad but with my mother feeling so sick all of the time, he tends to drag me to all of these work functions so I basically sat on the sidelines drinking samples (white mochas are da bomb) while he congratulated everyone "on behalf of the mall". which is fine...but i wish my mother was able to get out more. i know that her back bothers her but she has, by choice, dropped out of the public eye entirely. people don't even know that she is alive/still married to my father. we are more than willing to make allowances for her discomfort. i will personally drive her home if it hurts too much. heck, she walks 10 miles every morning but won't spend 10 minutes at a social function. i know im being hard on her, but what is a diary for if not for all the dark little thoughts that pop up in your head every day?

i saw hairspray afterward, which was great...surprisingly...and now i feel all motivated to make changes. i also feel better about my situation. someday someone will love me for who i am ^^. it may not be soon but it will happen and i will be happy. everything takes time.

hmmm, i noticed that the little inspirational quotes have started to repeat themselves: I've seen that one by plato before o.O.

busy busy busy day yesterday. I had lunch with claire and drove around for a few hours. I had dinner with emma and her family and then left early to go over to paradise island for a comedy show with matt and ross. Then this morning I went to the trainer and nearly died. it never gets any easier...

i really want to go do something. so bored. save me?

went to the comedy club...hypnotist...my god....hysterical....

Ross? o.O

(fuck connor)

went out in the boat today for a bit. inhaled gallons of sea water trying to wake board but it was still a good time.i finally got my license which is amazing. it's a kind of freedom that i have never experienced before, even when living away from home.

on an unrelated note....3 guys have recently expressed having deep feelings for me, one of whom told me that he was in love with me. i guess i should be happy but seriously, this is getting ridiculous. im not that attractive or desirable. in any case...that one guy is just confused. he certainly doesn't love me. this is all just insane. can something make sense? please? im spending so much more time trying to let them down easy, mend broken egos and reading soppy notes and messages than i am trying to find someone i am going to date. maybe i dont really want to date. i dont know...no one ever said that life and love were easy. it's not too much to hope for i suppose...it's like heads or tails...you never know what the outcome will be...but your gut tells you something and, even though you have no control, you bet on it and hope that fate breathes some life into your belief.

Happy Late Independence Day!!! to any bahamians out there (? o.O ?) Woooo! Party last night....i would liek to say that it was wild but...not so much...i was the only one wearing black, blue and yellow. pfft....oh well. it was with an american family and an english family. fun though...ate s'mores and i avoided the guava duff. i don't care if it's traditional....it scares me.

going to the big harry potter thing tonight! :D I am so excited but geez...it's going to be PACKED!...oh well! harry *swoon*, hermione *swoon* .....just *swoon/faint* mmmmkay, enough insanity for now. bye! kisses!

is hiding somtimes the right choice?

going out tonight to the gp. probably going to be just standing around for ages. they're going clubbing afterward...i'm not allowed. funny how the world works that way.

I'm so ready to be in love again. or at least to be loved. I have been spoiled in so many ways.

i'm usually a firm believer in the fact that, no matter what is going on in my life, I can handle it. If the work is too much, then I'm not trying hard enough. If I'm tired or hurried or stressed then I am simply not managing my time well. I am imperfect but I can handle tough times.

That being said...I need help. I'm not even doing anything and I am a wreck. I graduated cum laude, 5th in my class of 163, going to a prestigious college, getting a job at a good company, thoroughly enjoying my time spent volunteering on weekends and I'm losing control. I can't be burnt out, I know I can handle it all because it's really not that much. But all the time I feel awful, worthless, out of control. SometimesI feel wonderful, like nothing can touch me and only I impose my limits, but those moments are few and far between.

Have you ever needed someome? Just help in picking up the pieces and putting them back in place? And not just someone on the sidelines giving advice but a friend who will go out of their way, put down whatever they are doing and give you a strong, willing hand? I should be able to do this myself but my coping mechanisms have become down right self-destructive and it seems like I'm caught in this vicious cycle that everyone seems willing to ignore. I can't do this on my own. I can't ask anyone to help me as it its NOT their job. I can't go for outside help since my parents won't fund it. I should be able to do this on my own since I have no other option. but what if I can't? What then?!?! What in hell am I supposed to do?! There is nothing and everything wrong and I have the sneaking suspicion that this is all in my head. Wouldn't that be wonderful? "Sorry thatI don't make perfect sense today and I simply can't manage to live throughanother houralone because I am clinically insane!"...I would be miserable. AM I alone? Am I secretly self-obsessed and abnormal? If I am losing control, will I survive the crash? Anyone else feel this way?

i am in pain. beware of personal trainers. sometimes they catch you at the store eating a chocolate kiss. sometimes they decide that you need to work harder the next day. sometimes you would rather die than move even your pinkie finger.

sometimes these hypothetical situations become anything but hypothetical.

reality can be a bitch.

W00t! so, going out to Senor Frog's tonight! After having dinner at my ex (not Connor)'s house with his new gf....o.O ? Should be interesting......and then Green Parrot. I love living here...The only problem being that...well....not a problem really but still....I lost a lot of weight recently and none of my clothes fit aaand I went out to buy new clothes but, because of where I live, I can only find very, very scandalous outfits.....and now I have to have dinner with Mrs. Clark in a shirt that screams "LOOK AT MY CHEST" .......I suppose it could be worse.

Also, ha HA! I am no longer depressed! The past two weeks have been utter shit. It's good to be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel. (Although, supposedly I have another month (two weeks for every year we have been dating) before I'm ready to actually move on.) I hope I reach my wide open range soon...

hmm...I've made all my posts private again...you can still find public entries with a well worded yahoo search. be careful.

But I wouldn't mind others seeing this particular post...

I don't know. I've spent too long looking at the dark side of life. I've been focusing on mistakes instead of trying to make them better. I want that to change. I started volunteering again and I'm going to a personal trainer and going out with friends. Normal teenage activities....not moping around the house because of an ex. Even thoughI do still love him and deeply care for him.

There's enough anger out there. It's time to share a little love. Even if it doesn't change the world, I guarantee you, it's worth it.

when everything is wrong

we move along.