scarlett's Journal

i'm usually a firm believer in the fact that, no matter what is going on in my life, I can handle it. If the work is too much, then I'm not trying hard enough. If I'm tired or hurried or stressed then I am simply not managing my time well. I am imperfect but I can handle tough times.

That being said...I need help. I'm not even doing anything and I am a wreck. I graduated cum laude, 5th in my class of 163, going to a prestigious college, getting a job at a good company, thoroughly enjoying my time spent volunteering on weekends and I'm losing control. I can't be burnt out, I know I can handle it all because it's really not that much. But all the time I feel awful, worthless, out of control. SometimesI feel wonderful, like nothing can touch me and only I impose my limits, but those moments are few and far between.

Have you ever needed someome? Just help in picking up the pieces and putting them back in place? And not just someone on the sidelines giving advice but a friend who will go out of their way, put down whatever they are doing and give you a strong, willing hand? I should be able to do this myself but my coping mechanisms have become down right self-destructive and it seems like I'm caught in this vicious cycle that everyone seems willing to ignore. I can't do this on my own. I can't ask anyone to help me as it its NOT their job. I can't go for outside help since my parents won't fund it. I should be able to do this on my own since I have no other option. but what if I can't? What then?!?! What in hell am I supposed to do?! There is nothing and everything wrong and I have the sneaking suspicion that this is all in my head. Wouldn't that be wonderful? "Sorry thatI don't make perfect sense today and I simply can't manage to live throughanother houralone because I am clinically insane!"...I would be miserable. AM I alone? Am I secretly self-obsessed and abnormal? If I am losing control, will I survive the crash? Anyone else feel this way?