So here is what I�wrote last night... haven't yet decided if I will show this to him or not...
Will this tug-of-war I am having with myself ever end? I'm thinking probably not. Patrick, thanks for that smack, and for the other one today... I think they're starting to work lol. I'm seriously thinking about things now. Well between the smacks and what I saw tonight. Thing is today I had quite a few of my friends basically tell me I was stupid. Some flat out said it, some said it in nicer terms. Maybe I am. Maybe I'm not. Who knows? Unfortunately what they say is true, the heart wants what the heart wants. My heart wants him.
And what exactly did I see tonight? Well perhaps I was wrong to look... probably was, and I'm sorry for that, but curiosity got the best of me so I did. Why? Well I didn't expect to see what I did; I just wanted to see him. When I signed into my facebook, on my homepage it said he had been tagged in an album. Of course I wanted to see him. I've never really hung out with him other than at the bar, and a couple times here and there, Sushi, gone to the park, he even met up with me while I was shopping lol. He's such a sweet guy... and has a great sense of humour... how many guys will smell a girl's deodorant? LOL! Anyways, I was curious to see what he's like around his friends... pictures do say a lot. So there were some pictures of him with a girl, whom I am assuming is his gf. She's really pretty. And of course I have been beating myself up over that, that's how I am I guess. He looks so happy in those pictures. I don't think I could ever make him happy like that.
So I have to just work on being friends. Nothing more. Just friends. Maybe one day we can be something more, I can always hope for that. If not, well I will always remember the good times we had together, and all the memories I have of him.
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So that's it. That's what I�wrote. Now I'm deciding if I�show it to him, or wait. We have plans to see each other on Tuesday, we are going out to go go-carting and then for a sushi lunch. He mentioned a massage as well, but I�guess that will depend on how the rest of the day goes. I'm thinking that if I�do decide to show�him this I�will wait until after Tuesday. I hate wrecking the time we do have together. He makes me feel special. One thing I�love about him is his personality, who he is as a person. Yes I�know he is cheating on his gf. He said this is the only time he's ever done this. Do I�believe him? I'm definitely giving him the benefit of the doubt. I�have no reason to think he would lie to me about that... well other than he might be the type of guy who does this all the time and could have mulitple girls going at the same time... ya I've thought of that, but I�just don't think that's�him.�So ya I�do believe him when he said he's never done this.
The thing is, I'm afraid of making yet another mistake. What if he is "the one"?�I'm not so sure I�believe in "the one" but what if that person does exist?�What if it's him? What do I�do? We've had so many great days together. Days where I�want to re live over and over again. Days where it seemed like I�was dreaming. Days where if I was walking around without pants on and everyone noticed I�wouldn't care cause I�was literally in la-la land lol.�(yes I�do have a sense of humor lol) But then what happens if what he has said to me is true?�What if he isn't the type of guy for me?�Which I�really disagree with. How can he decide what the perfect type of guy for me is? In my eyes he is perfect. Honestly I�would not change a thing about him... wait that's a lie. I�would change one thing. The gf. That's it. If he lost her he'd be the perfect guy for me! Right now he's like a dream. A dream I am hoping comes true...
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