alabrat's Journal

May 2011
2:07 PM

just so confusing

He puts me on the hightest highs and the lowest lows.� Why do I question his feelings so much?� Why does it matter?� He goes from really hot to super cold.� I heard from him Thursday, last week.� He text me for 2 hours straight and then called when I left work.� Then said he'd call Friday.� Didn't hear from him.� ANd nothing til sunday.� We text for about half an hour sunday evening.�� I text him yesterday afternoon about 7 and just asked if he was ok...� He answered a few texts and then called.� He's on the road, I understand.� And I think I read too much into not hearing from him.� But I may also read too much into hearing from him as well.� He says sweet little things when we talk.� But last week he asked if he could see me one night this week.... last night he said maybe next week we could do something.� Again, I know he's on the road and has no control over where he goes next, but I was hoping....�� And so again.. maybe he just isn't that INTO me?

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May 2011
12:28 PM EST

He makes me smile....

So backing off and not contacting him seems to be bringing him around.�� He called last Friday, just as I was giving up on hearing from him and told me he'd gotten a call to go pick up a load out of town.� And that Sunday he was leaving to pick up a load out of state as well... wished me a great weekend and said he'd talk to me early this week.� He sent me an email on Sunday.� I heard nothing on Monday which bummed me out but then he called me at work on Tuesday, just after lunch as he was heading out again.� Said he'd talk to me today sometime.� Said he wanted to see me one night next week.� So maybe he is a little "into" me??� a little?

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May 2011
12:26 PM EST

Still going with the flow....

So I decided to back off on the relationship.� Just to go with the flow.� If I hear from him and we see each other and it turns into more, great! If not, then it wasn't meant to be.� I do not contact him first anymore.� We were actually scheduled to see each other last Monday night.� He text me before I woke up on Monday and said he wouldn't be able to make it.� He'd gotten an offer to take a load out the night before and took it.� Can't blame him there.� I simply responded with ok.� I didn't say anything more.� He continued the conversation and we talked for a few minutes.� Tuesday morning he also text me before I woke up, which was nice.� We chatted for a few minutes.� Wednesday evening, I'd gone home from work early and gone to bed with a stomach bug.� He text me and I was unaware so an hour and a half I text him back and we talked.� Thursday evening he called...� and also asked if he could call Friday.� He did, just as I was giving up for the day and thought I wouldn't hear from him.� But we have no plans to see each other...�� it's just starting to feel like a waste of time.� He isn't involved with anyone else.� If I call him, he always answers or immediately calls me back.� I've been to his house..� he isn't married.� What am I doing wrong?� Or is he just NOT THAT INTO ME?

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Apr 2011
10:50 AM

long time no see, journal

Sooooo, a lot has changed since I last updated here.� The last relationship I was in did indeed, come to an end.� We are friends, it was sad, I still care deeply for him, but he just didn't have time in his life for me with the new job and existing priorities.� Such is life....
I have met someone new, well, I didn't actually meet him. We've known each other since our childhood.� Had a little crush back when I was 15 or 16.� Things took off rather quick and heated and now I seem to be getting mixed signals... just not sure how to take him.� He was working out of town when we reconnected, told me to call him anytime and we sometimes talked for hours, he would text me as soon as I was up in the mornings and we would chat on facebook throughout the day.� One day he called me 5 times!� We set up a date for when he got home and we were both pleasantly surprised.� However, it quickly turned into a sex thing, and I was dumb enough to let it go there.� Since then, we go through bouts of lots of contact, to very little.� I've asked him point blank if he would like for me to just leave him alone.. his response was not a "beat around the bush kind of answer but just a flat "NO"� He immediately called me and asked why I would think that.� I responded with I didn't know, I don't want him to think I'm a psycho that expects him to contact me constantly or even every day.� He has told me that he is no good at relationships and he always screws them up. I just don't know if I should remain engaged or just back off....� Just when I think, ok, I'm not going to contact him anymore until I hear from him he'll call or something.� So I'm not sure why I feel this way.� Its just weird.�

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4 comment(s) - 03:23 AM - 05/04/2011

Aug 2010
2:50 AM CST

It isn't over, just different

What can I say?� You were my knight in shining armor.� My rescuer.� You found me just a shell of a person.� Someone who experienced no love, just routine.� No appreciation, just routine.� No excitement or happiness, just routine.� And you changed it all.� My heart raced just to hear from you each morning.� Sweet little notes scattered in cyberspace, unexpected nothings.... were somethings.� You held all that I had hoped love could be, but had become resolved that it just wasn't.� You changed my world and rocked my foundation.� You helped me find me again.� I had lost myself in all those other labels we and society give us; wife, mom, executive director, manager, etc.� I was me again.�� It felt wonderful.� I'd found love.�

But somewhere along the way, somethings became less important.� Conversation. I love you.� Time spent together.� Conversations about nothing... us.� And we too have fallen into the "routine".� There is no importance in the things that we used to spend hours with.� The nothingness that was just you and me, in our love.� That sweet "nothing", "nothing" but us.� The world is with us now and we are less important.� We move through the motions and do what the other expects... most of the time.� We find ourselves standing on the edge and not worrying if it matters to the other.� And sometimes we cross the line.� But without guilt, because, those little things just don't matter anymore.� So what if we miss that time together..... there is tomorrow.� So what if I don't get to call.� Nothing would have been said in that conversation anyway.� It's about work, and stupid drivers and the heat of the summer.� It isn't about my love.� It isn't important.� And so, the conversations aren't either.� We were only love... and that made us grand.� Something neither of us knew.� We had only known the motions.�

And here we are..... in the motions.

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1 comment(s) - 08:40 PM - 08/20/2010

alabrat's Profile

Username: alabrat

Gender / Age: Female, 56

Location: USA - Tennessee