Patience.. is it truly a virtue?
Is it?
Can it be.. i mean ive waited for 2 years for the last guy i really wanted to be mine..
he comes to a realization 2 years later...
its been 2 years since ive been with him....
for 2 years hes waited on me..
love is such a crazy word for something that causes so much pain..
so much anger.. and grief..
so much stress...
hate..
hates sounds more appropriate..
love is cruel and evil..
i refuse to waste more time....
i was totally happy with wasting my time with a man that would never commit to marriage.. because i didnt plan on getting married anytime soon..
and for the most part we were living happily together..
now im living a nightmare..
i get looked at like a vagrant..
he cooked me breakfast...
im not sure if that was just cause he was up cookin..
or because he wanted to...
my heart aches so bad i want to combust..
i think time away will do me good..
hes doing what he wants to do anyways..
he always has..
its me..
that has learned patience....
its me that has learned.. heartache..
i felt better just blatantly being betrayed because at least that guy flat out told me..
i think its the trait of a coward.. who cant discuss thier feelings and let other ppl know what was going on.
But its clear.. crystal..
as always i have a very clear path that im going to take..
i will not deviate..
i have gone too far off course already..
all because of a man.. who had a hole in his heart..
that i wanted to fill..
but hes left me heartless..
i woulda took just the hole..
but the absense completely.. has me thrown.
im off balance..
i have to find my balance again..
i need to put my feet back on solid ground...
time will tell..
who knows..
"There's a difference between interest and commitment. When you're interested in doing something, you do it only when circumstance permit. When you're committed to something, you accept no excuses, only results." - Art Turock
Its been 4 days since the arguement..
part of me wants to pack my shit and keep it moving..
part of me..� wants to kill his ass.
the greater part of me misses my best friend and lover..
in the past 4 days apparently alot has happened..
and I mean alot..
lets just say "it was written in the stars"
I have no clue what hes been up to
hes doing what he wants to do..
since none of the things he wants to do has included me at all..
and as of June 8� it will be one month since hes slept in the same bed as me..
it would be on june 3 one month since we have had sex..
it would be as of ..
june 12 the last time hes kissed me..
and yet the pain will last forever..
not communicating is so his style..
he has been communicating with someone apparently who makes him smile...
who makes him happy..
i swear..
ill burn the bitch..
im there..
on the ledge..
my foot extended..
wondering.. if i should just fuckin go off!
It only makes things harder..
he dosent get that when i see him staring at that screen laughing, and smiling all by his damn self.. that my body aches and rage begins.
I used to be the person he preferred to laugh and smile with..
that as my damn smile..�
who stole that smile from me..
i used to also be the person he WANTED�to sleep with..
now he dosent even want to share the same bed..
like i have leprosy...
he preferres sleeping in a recliner.. than sleep with me..
he preferrs to stay up all night at a computer.. talkin to ppl who dont give a fuck if he lives or dies...
people that if he did die.. would be unaffected by his death.
People who dont matter..
it was me and him against the world.. now i feel like its the w.w.w� and he against me..
i cant continue loving somebody who has choosen to totally disreguard me..
those thoughts come back to mind..
those evil thoughts..
i guess i will start finding my own places to go....
my own people to go out with..
someone to make me smile and laugh....
someone to hand out with me..
since aparrently there is no more renee and jon
theres is just I..
all alone..
see how lonely that looks..
I.
all by itself on its own little line..
complete with a period.
because im at the end of my line.
I want to be in love with the person i met in october...
i want to be in love with the person who he was in md during the holidays..
i want to love the person he was when on our days off we went out.. and was excited about spending the time together.
I want to be in love with the man who only HAD eyes for me.
the one who wouldnt fuck, lick,suck, get licked.. blown or kissed by anyone other than me.
But� since thats not looking like its going to happen..
it would be reall great..
to have all those things done to me!
men are stuipid unbalanced little createures.. scared of thier emotions even when they put the elephant in the room.
This must be the end..
tears will not stop for anyone..
heart has quit beating.. it just thumps in my chest..
I constantly bent myself to please him..
he constantly made statements..
to further confuse me..
when asked to clarify..
he didnt want to have that conversation..
now here we are.. not having conversations.
the final statement.. was said.. and he speaks the truth..
"I DONT GIVE A FUCK WHAT YOU DO..." SAID RUTH..
RUTHLESS.. ABSOLUTELY THE NAME IS TRUE..
WITHOUT SO MUCH AS BATTING AN EYE HE CONVEYED THAT WE.. WERE THRU.
HURT.. SO DEEP IT CUTS MY HEART IN TWO.
by the same man who told me.. 'I wont lie to you.. or hurt you'� and like a dummy i believed him too..
his word once was golden.. if he said he was goind to he did..
i believe every word that came out of his crooked mouth..
until the forked tounge became apparent..
ima do what i want to do reguardless.. he would say.
clearly he did this.. so things would turn out this way.
if not then why..� because i tried to be the best version of me.. for him.
and he kept telling me i wasnt enough to the point where i almost started to believe it..
but then i realized.. that it was he who knew he wasnt near perfect that refused to change..
surival of the fittest will leave a mothafucka dead and alone.. in a cold world thats strange.
im constantly changing to be the best me I can be.. adapting to my enviorment and situation so that i can keep up with the world..
while clearly hes perfect.. because he does what he wants.. and the world passes him by.
Hes a great cop, great soilder.. but horrible boyfriend... because he refuses to share.. his feelings, his life.. and most of all his heart.
i dont like that mushy shit he says.. when its the mushy shit which he has taken to heart.
I like having the comfort of coming home and knowing that one person is not going to bullshit me.. .
that with this person.. its cut and dry.
the same way he was with me.. before the gray area that were emotions that he clearly did not know how to handle came into play.
hed rather have a live in whore.. who cleans up behind him.. than have a girlfriend.. no strings attached and he knows what hes paying for. Apparently i stress him.. clearly he stresses me. But i dont try to avoid all conversations around it for the sake of not having a real conversation..
im single i guess....
my first real investment in a relationship has failed..
im a failure.. but im not alone.
as both of us failed..
apparently we failed eachother..
because apparently i didnt live up to his expectations..
and clearly he wanted no expectations to live up to...
he just wants to live.
so do i..
because right now.. im dying..
in more ways than one.
i loved this man to pieces..
wanted to see him be the best version of himself.. and excel.
he wanted me to be his live in call girl..
bend over and take it every now and then..
totally abandoning my emotional needs..
i hate him..
i hate me more..
because its my fault i let him in..
in my heart..
but he didnt want what i had to offer...
it took me three years to pull myself together last time..
Well i guess its been awhile since ive updated this thing..
Ive learned alot in the past year..
dont get into a relationship with a man who keeps downgrading your wants and needs..
Dont settle.. absolutely no damn settling.
My current relationship is as rocky as mount rushmore.. yet i keep trying and he continues not to try...
he even thinks i dont kno what kinda bullshit hes been up to lately online.. i keep seein this damn craigslist thread for encounters on his screen... for the past 3 weeks and i asked him about it and hes like,.. im laughing at these ppl who are lookin for ppl online.. motherfucker dont play me.. you dont log in that damn often every damn day to look at ppl.. fuck that..
so.. ive been looking for places with and without him..
i have needs wants and desires too.. and right now none of them are being met..
he keeps handing out ultimatums.. ill have one soon.. and it will be final
mesha is moving to the beach this summer.. imma love it.
with or without him.. yes i prefer with.. but i can do bad by my got dammed self.
Im tired of the shit.. the constant his way or the highway..
Ive done it by myself.. and was happy..
im doing it with him and all i am.. is angry.. sad or distraught.
He dosent even seem to care that he just picks little petty ass arguements..
maybe hes just trying to be a dick.. so that i can leave him.. so he wont feel bad..
maybe...
maybe i will..
We went a month and a half without sex..
i havent had any oral since.. he got back from annual training last year!
nevertheless..
i still stay..
when he isnt.. and has not forfilled any part of this relationship in a long time.
Promises of a better tomorrow never to come..
hopes of a future that dosent exist..
imma grow up.. get out.. and get married and have somebodys kids..
at least they will actually want those things with me..
i mean he dosent even want those things..
not even for me.. with me.. nothing..
the only future he can promise me.. and has promised me was him in a casket and me a fat check when its all said and done..
fuck the money.. i can only live once..
in life youhave one shot to give it your all.. and im not going to miss out because he wants to be everyones hero besides mine.
Im tired of the shit.. the constant his way or the
So.. he made the police academy.. kudos to him. Very proud of him.. hes moving to Linkhorn Bay apts.� Which i picked out with perfection..� while we toured the apt. which he insisted I see too.. (for some odd reason.. since what do i know?) he kept saying we.. we can do this we can do that.. has a sudden future become clear that included he and I? He even made reference that I could fill once side of the closet with all my stuff.. as he was beaming with excitement. Im not really sure about this though.. I mean.. some people do better when they can go to the opposite ends of the polar earth. Cool down zones.. and he still has a ME complex though he would cite me to be of that issue.. He has to be way more considerate... i mean think about me for once. Not that he dosent.. just not in the capacity that I need him to.. that he should. I should not have to think about both me and him.... it should go like this.. if i know he needs something I get it.. if he knows or thinks that I need something he gets it. Its about completing the missing piece of the puzzle..
for example.. on friday.. walking from the car.. he left his cell phone... i knew hed need his cell phone so i grabbed it..
he took 6 steps away from the car.. turned back.. and in that instant i handed him his cell phone..� puzzle complete.
thats what i mean.. there to back eachtother.
Overstepping Bounds.... In relationships.
You know last night I was beyond heated.. after the news went off about attacks and he decided that he wanted to discuss gun control issues. For the 14th million time... I decided when the conversation was first brought up that I did not want to debate this with him. Partially because I get tired of hearing it.. and secondly he thinks he is all knowing on this subject and I dont think there is much that can bruise his ego. So I told him.. that I didnt want to discuss it.. but he kept going with the subject. Then.. when i decided to state that peeople in attack situations... "do not shoot to kill.. they shoot to disarm.. or stop the attacker" in my mind the killing of the individual that would attack me is just cause and effect. He attacked me.. i shot him.. the dying was just part of it.
So... where did I overstep my bounds.. ?
Well as he brudishly informed me in a very aggressive shout in my direction.. "WHAT DO YOU KNOW?!!!" my jaw dropped... and I blinked. Was I being diciplined like a three year old who goes to touch a fire? All I know from that moment.. the conversation was over. I had asked him.. not to yell at me... previous when he did so in a threatening tone. I left the room.. for fear that Id go into the rage that I am all too familiar with. I didnt want to do anything that Id regret.. and didnt want him to further add to the flames and have him do something stupid.
So.. Im in the room crying... I calm down relatively quick this time..
I go back in the room.. and ask him.. "what part of.. I didnt want to have this conversation did you not respect.. or hear." Two strong minded individuals.. one who could care less on the subject and one who feels he needs to whisper his opinions in everyones ear just so that they would listen. He states that what I am telling him was wrong.. and that he was mad because I was telling him stuff that I couldnt speak on. (What kind of crap is that?) he represents the minority of people that are actually trained to use a gun.. and the even smaller minority of people that have been trained by the military.) I on the other hand.. am the john and jane doe's oout there.. the other 7billion of our population.. yet my opinion is invalid. Even though he solicited it when he wouldnt shut up about the issue. Be careful what you wish for.. isnt that how the adage goes? The fact was though he further made a donkeys ass of himself when he stated that .. I had "overstepped my bounds!?" Im sorry.. what kind of bounds are those? Would that be the bounds of me as a woman.. having an opinion... my bounds as his woman, a card carrying opinionator? Lets think about in the past where this phrase has been made.. being that this is black history month I only fnd this appropriate: Rosa Parks overstepped her bounds when she decided that she would not give up her seat. Martin Luther King overstepped his bounds when he decided that we should all be able to live in harmony (they even shot him for it). Brown.. in Brown Vs Board of education overstepped his bounds when he decided that they should recieve the same education as caucasians. The government overstepped thier bounds when censorship was an issue and gambling was deemed illegal. Its been said that Kanye West overstepped his bounds when he spoke out about how he felt about Bush. What do all these situations have in common... the person who stated that the bounds were overstepped are all the ones who had no business doing what they were doing to begin with. So lets just make it clear here and now.. that In overstepping of bounds.. this would only work in a totalitarianist society. Or maybe when in conversation with a facist... now that I think about it he was definately acting like a facist. I always told him that he doesent know how to talk to people.. he treats people like he is supreme beings and they are idiots. Ive only been on the observation end of this behavior until now... I dont plan on being subject to this behavior if it continues. He told me that I disrespect and hurt his feelings sometimes as well.. which is odd because he never seems to say anything. Then he said.. they are my feelings.. if i dont want to tell you then I wont tell you. I mean.. im no dr. phil.. but I was raised to let the people I love know I love them... and the people that hurt me know that they did so.. and that it will not be tolerated. He hurt me.. cut deep... down to my soul.. he rations out his emotions. Rations out his feelings.. and Im not even privy to how he feels. And even then so... he felt no remorse or empathy for how this effected me. That night I told him why.. i hated people shouting at me. Did he even reassure me that it was okay... or apoligize for his outrageous behavior. No, he stood his pompous ground. I dont know if him bringing me tissues.. or something to drink.. was his way of saying sorry.. i dont even want to analyze that situation. Because I shouldnt have to.. It pains me to think that I ever inflict hurt or create disdain with anyone. But thats the difference between he and I.. I personally feel. Ive been through enough.... and Karma is a B!
All I want to do.. is love him.. and be loved. Why must that be so hard? I work so hard to treat people the way I like to be treated and all they do is piss down my back and then attempt to tell me that its raining... IM NOT BUYING IT!
Simplicity.. I require simplicity... RESPECT and Honesty... wow.. now i sound like Aretha! Its funny how the same people we love for one thing.. are the same people that we hate for others. I hate that he cant identify.. and remotely empathize with what im going through. Its like.. hes looking at me.. like cry.. go ahead cry.. get it out of your system. And if he does.. he has a heck of a way of showing it.. funny that it makes me cry even at work thinkin about this who scene...
I love him.. he hurt me.
But as ol' dude would say on 103jamz... "WHAT PART OF THE GAME IS THAT? "- Otis.
he loves me.. he hasnt arranged his emotions yet... because he fears the obvious. he loves me. i got him great valenties day gifts....
i told him i loved him on feb 7th for the first time in crayons.. at a trendy rest. who insisted on putting butchers paper on the tables.. he enthralled by the kid within asked for crayons.. and it was on...
i wonder what he will come up with for valentines day.. hope it isnt lame.. but even if it was id just smile and thought his lameness was cute. arghh... men...when will they learn.?
ps i gotta blown eardrum too... kinkyness.. and my overly aggresive ass got me jacked up.
Thursdays are always such refreshing days for me...
i sleep in until the whee hours of the evening.... but this thursday he and i both have off.. i havent spent a whole day with him since i had surgery... and at that point i was just boning him.. .because.
Well..J called me today... asking me if i rememberd a scratch on the rear of his precious08 mbenz... i told him no. I think that was part of his problem.. he wanted to keep things perfect.. life isnt perfect.. im not perfect.. and he cant protect me from dings all my life! He never did understand that i could take care of myself... sure its nice that he occasionally paid this or that.. which mean that i had more money to spend on inportant stuff like me! lol.. but he incapacitated me... when he paid all my bills for that one month... i didnt even know what to do with myself. I cant have a man that enables me to be wreckless..... if you want to do something special. take me on a shopping spree... dont pay all my bills and send me raving mad with 5gs in the bank that month (i made bonus.. too at work) and set me free.
Ive concluded that i miss different men in my life for different reasons... as follows
i miss the man that planned getaways.. for he and i
i miss the man that sent me flowers to my job...
i miss the man that bought me flowers every month just to remind me of a fresh start..
i miss the man who would.. think of me in randomness.. and purchase a really great book that he knew id love..
i missed the man.. now that theres ice out.. who cleared my windshield of ice.. because he knows i hate doing it.
i miss the man who.. doded on me with his gentle touch and expressions of his love..
i miss the man who.. loved me.. with all my inperfections.
i guess looking at this list.. i miss the menwho were creative in thier ways of expressing the ways in which they cared about me.. and for me.
i love creative men.. every action they do.. says it was with you in mind that i did this.. not just some random.. thing that all men do.
sos.. surprised me the other day in his semi randomnesss... got me a little doggie that looked like taurus.. wasnt much.. but it meant that he was inspired by this object.. and thought of me. that means alot.. especially with his recent attempts to communicate a sense of emotion.. with his gazes and tender kisses in the morning.. wonder if he will progress into being as random as i? i thought that hed get the hint... when i started in my randomcreativeness... but he didnt.. you can lead a horse to water but you.. (lol.. cant make em.. drink!) guess the adage is true... i guess hes just enjoying being thought of.. but damnit.. he needs to remember.. that its a two way street.
cap keeps annoying me.. i think ill be nice and tell him a final lie to put him out of his misery.... id rather lie than tell him that his obsession with me is totally unfounded.. and since we have never even kissed id think that he would get that through his head.. i guess its my fault though since im the one who egged him on to send me cumshots.. since he always said he thinks of me when he masturbates.. who cares.. but man do i laugh my ass off when i see his tiny dick.. (he holds it between his thumb and forefinger.. its so small.)
well... thats it for now.. brain hurts.
I cant help but wonder..
When will this end? How will it end.. and then theres that small minute chance that it will never end. I worked out today.. pushing my body to the brink of nature itself... wondering if pain and pleasure alwayswent hand in hand. like yin and yang.. if this like all things that brought pleasure... had to also come with pain. If i could endure anymore pain.. was the question. Cause Im just one muthafucka away from checking myself into the nut bin.. not that i need to be there....
but id rather deal with cute orderlys in scrubs... than deal with a bunch of stupid mother fuckin men who are too senseless and self centered to care about anyone else but them.Im not perfect.. far from it; but i do pretty well pretending to be perfect.
Ive gotten my temper together..i still have small moments of aggression. Meditation helps.. I dont have this jealousy thing going on.
He started looking at me.. differently lately.. that endless gaze that attempts to communicate on some level that I have feelings for you that just wont go past my lips... (for now). Or.. that gaze that says Im just looking for something in your eyes thatsays i canlet go.. let go of my emotions... open up my soul.
end story...
so... I realized today that I like staying over his house because its like im on vacation... lets see.. i dont have to clean up... i dont have to really do much at all actually... i dont take out trash.. i dont wash dishes.. i dont clean bathrooms.. and even better.. since im between two households...
Well.. i dont do much of crap.. even then so.. i can imagine my caucasian slaves at home.. washing dishes.. doing laundry.. some of which may be mine.. and cleaning the house.
My room on the other hand stays neat and Maria only comes over every 6weeks as opposed to four weeks.. to clean my bathroom.. im not going out as much so.. i dont have so much laundry..
which overall means im doing my part to save the world....
and i might even conserve enough energy so that i may have at least one bottle of fiji water a month.. lmoa...
no.. strike that... fuck fiji.. ill stick to my glacier water!
So..
2007 ended with close friends and a bottle of everclear..
2008. began with closer friends.. and a night of memories!
So happy to have people in my life that care.. things are beginning to fall into place. Both career wise and relationship wise..
So my sos.. had his polygraph today.. he was majorly stressed.
like on the level that triggered Bruce Banner to turn into the HULK. lol
I wonder if he he did turn into the HULK if he would pick me up like dude did in the hulk.. and possibly perform some mind blowing oral on me? lmao. me and im imagination.
So Tauri and I chilled at his place. took him for a walk..hes finally gotten used to me being the man. Ahem! Still jealous of me... and my sos... .dosent like it when i give him too much attention.. nor does he like it when he gives me attention.. So it breaks down to this. in his mind i think. "Man.. you pay attention and love on me.. Woman.. you pay attention and love on me. NOT eachother!"
He got home that evening.. and tooted his own horn at his success. and asked me how would i like rolling with a vb police officer... now i am and always have been the whips chains handcuff type of gal. but i think the baton will have to stay outta the bedroom. lol. nevertheless not a bad vision. However still skeptical on his issues with past women. yea it hurts to be shitted on. This i understand more than most.. but i think he dwells on it entirely too much... sometimes i think hes just waiting for me to betray him. or piss him off.. waiting.. waiting. ok. enough already!
So. i finally cussed dude out. for calling me at all hours. he knows that im entertaining the time of sos. but feels that his tiny pale dick that graces my cell phone text messages. will make me want him.. lmao. never did.. never will.. not tomorrow.. never so chill!
so... brought him flowers... he smiled.. blushed too. and i wondered is this what i looked like when i got flowers... i miss that feeling...
happy he was happy!
still stuck on finding love.....
Fall Fall Not in love.. But for me. Fall for my imperfections, Fall for the look in my eyes, when they land on you. Fall.. Not in love, But for me. Fall for the dimple in my left cheek.. for how strong I am.. Until you make me, Unsure of me.. Fall not in love but, For me, Fall for the imperfections, My secret jealousy.. That?s not so secret. Fall for me, Fall for the time we spend entangled In each others web, Fall for.. My heart, As it has for you. Fall, For me. Not in love, But in the possibility. Fall for me
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