Dreamer's Big little world

Me and�Eddy* got back together� on May and i promised him i would meet him on december. Things had been going really GOOD between us. He is the most adorable loving man. But i am a�not 4 him�and i never seem to be content with anything good in my life. I always have to push the envelope. I have made him prove over and over and over again that he loves me.

His love for me is not quetionable... not alot of NORMAL ATTRACTIVE HARDWORKING LOYAL LOVING�men would talk to a girl on the phone for 3 years without actually meeting them.

It's been a while.....it seems like i come running to this site when things between me and eddy are @ a down hill. I finally told Eddy the truth(well sort of) about me not meting him...he did not take it so well.

This time i won't shed @ tear (in pubic). it's like i am slowly dying inside(and i derserve it!!!) .

Now i have to go to my sister's wedding thats half way across the world. It will be good to get away......but one can't always run from there problems. It's wierd some part of me actually feels glad that i have told him. I had started to feel really guilty

I hate myself for what i am doing to Eddy but thank god it's almost over. I hope i have the strengh to make the right choice. He is a good man he deserves so much better than me

I called him the day before yesterday and also wrote him a txt.There is always this magic between us. He told me about flirting with a moslem girl wearing a head scarf..lol

i encouraged him to get a galfriend and finally opened up about my insecurities.

My Aunt has moved in with her� 1 year old son. It infuriates me when she is always on the heater, I'm home alone evry1 has gone to school i really need to get a JOB!!!

I have this bad ache in my chest...i really need him i cant sleep its 4:00� *cries* i wish i knew he was gonna make me this unhappy....it hurts very bad

Oh my god why does it hurt so much *keeps crying*

*blushes* Forgive me for i have sinned i called Eddy* again it was� only once though. Its not� a suprise he hasn't rang back.

Anyways the rest of the past 4 days have been so-so. I dissed some bitches on myspace.� A life without mischief does't make u feel alive. There is something about Drama that just turns me on. I love it when people are fighting. I'm one of those people who fuel misunderstandings

Suprisingly i'm getting alot better without having an Eddy fix. I'm still in the early ages of recovery i believe very soon i'll be able to fly without my wigs.

He is a really nice guy...i thought about my descion of the no contact thingy and i changed my mind. I plan on keeping our relationship strictly platonic(I can't do that now..but i'll grow strong enough soon). I need this man in my life, he taught me alot and we once loved each other with fierce hot passion that could burn a room up. Not to mention he was my first love....and the last.

I never ever want a man to� put in the position where Eddy has put me .Nver will i let any man have thsi much control and power over my emotions. �I want to have the control and power. I'm going to be the Bo$$ bitch....Never again will i ever put a man before me myself and I(lol i'm crying) I guess Eddy really has hurt me more than i've let on. It's not only his fault its also mine.

Enough about him.....i need to go do something to cheer me up :)

Day 2..... this day counting madness will go on until the day Eddy decides to ring me :). I want to end it ASAP.

God i'm so fuckin hungry..my brother that cow ate everything up. I'm 17 years old and i had to wake my mum up so that she could take me to mcdonald's!!!(its PATHETIC) She was busy snoring and refused to take me�

My God my stomach is growling i could eat a whale rite now. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

I'm off to cause some mischief maybe that will numb the hunger.

Yep i've come this far without having a fix of Eddy. There's no turning back now. He was like a drug to me u know...i couldn't function without him. It was intense, i suppose that's�how it feels like to be foolish,young and in love.

I have learnt a great deal from Eddy. I intend to use�this knowlege to exploit men and make them do things for me. I've learnt from my mistakes and i don't�plan on making a MISTAKE EVER AGAIN.

Eddy will call. i know�he will, when he does i'll let everything go under his terms. I'll be a good hostess.�The relationship� needs to go out in a bang!

I intend on having no communication at all with Eddy*�He honestly is a great guy(although he�can be a �dog @ times)� Iloved him once and i hope he gets a woman who loves him as much or even more than i did(QUITE IMPOSSIBLE)�

I've changed Alot...i'm same person but this whole Eddy experience has�brought something out of��me. i reckon i�have grown older� and a �new side of me has emerged.

I now look @ men as objects that can fulfill my desires be they physical or most importantly financial.�(�*sings*�i'm the man eater, man eater....lalala�)���LOL

Today is a really lazy day...im just chilling. My sissters arent back yet...mumm is going to work tonite so its another night spent alone�

I have come to a Decision...i'll stop calling Eddy once and for all...if he wants me he will call. If he doesn't welll to bad (I swear to God this time it's for real...i swear i wont cll Eddy Ever again-unless he calls me)

Funny thing is he can snap his fingers just like that and i'll be under his spell. God i'm sucker for love!!!!

I need to also find a JOB...I quit school last year at year 11. I wanted to be a Flight attendant. I've quickly cahnged my mind though I'd like to do bussiness. I wanna open up a little btique selling fashionable clothes for both men and women.�

I've also thought about being a travel agent(U need to have a strong academic background & lots of experience in sales)that's a dead end�I wouldn't mind being a make up artist. I love making people look gorgeous i shop for my mum� and sisters...i personally think i have a great sense of style.

My carrer choices i would saay lie within the travel and beauty department because i have a strong pssion for those two things.

So many choices wich one should it be...oh heck i'll think about this some other time

It's a weekend....im sitting by the phone hoping it will ring

I would really like to speak to Eddy...bt he can't� his out partying�

I home all alone mum has gone to work and my sisters have gone partying(i didnt feel like joining them...it's too bloody cold to venture out in skimpy clubwear)...im actually a bit scared in this big house all alone.

I dont drink.....so i'm a bit out of place when i'm surrounded by drunk fucks on saturday nights. They look so stupid all drunk and disoderly.... since when was having a goodtime meant getting smashed!!!!! WIERD WORLD

Anyway thats it for tonite...im gonna hit the shets now.....i hope Eddy calls

The friends thing really pisses me off...he always calls when he is really tired. like at around 11-12 O'clock. We hardly bloody talk

I understand that friends shouldn't be sleeping together but its like a bonus....i feel like a Doormat i'm no longer in Control. Its like all the arrangments are specifically made to tailor him.

He never picks up the phone when i call (he never has by the way...since day 1 whenever i call he hangs up and calls me back) These days i never get any call backs

He is a nice guy though...he has never insulted me, his one of those few classy guys.He is funny,intelligent,handsome and a good lover lets just say he is the whole package....if i dont get my act together another woman may claim what was once mine�

After� a month of� grief he came back to me...he sent me a message asking how i was going.....i replied and he called me.

My voice like ive been told is a "spell"� We talked and caught up about what happend. It was a nice feeling being with him again.He pleaded with me about us meeting he really wants a real relationship with me.

We came to an agreement...i would meet him on New years eve 2009. we� also agreed to be friends but we or should i say I keep crossing the line. I couldn't be just�friends with him so we decided to be "distant lovers"

Distant lovers- we could only talk once in a while not everyday (he is extra busy has work and Uni) , kissing and holding and phone sex is allowed, its sort of like friends with benefit

I din't like the new arrangment i wanted it to be like the old times,back in the day we used to talk at least 3 times a day and Every single night. I wanted that back but he couldnt give that to me because the last time he thought he did look where he ended up�...lets just say he thinks this sort of arrangment willl ensure that he doesn't get as hurt as he was last time.

Problems arose...i couldn't stop whining about the arrangment so for now we have decided to be friends(i rather keep in in mylife than loose him for good) although we sleep together on weekdays because he goes out on weekends.

I cant help but think its all my FAULT...i have such a great man but for some reason i just think im not good enough for him

I'm such a sad pathetic b!tch..i called him, i actually called him and i swore not to contact him

Eddy has two phones, i rang him twice on his virgin phone and once on his optus phone. I�rarely call him on his optus phone,he bought the virgin phone exlusively for us.

I'm so lonely without him but i'll learn to live without him� :)�I know i'm strong i can do this.� I'll not fool myself and say i don't need him bt in the long run i think i'm better of without him

I swear today on the 20th of April 2008 i will never Pick up the phone and dial Eddy's* number ever again. (Unless he reforms and treats me and values me as the number one priority in his life.....its ALL or nothing!!!!)

He told me he didn't feel the way he used to��he wanted something more than what i was giving him he wanted to�actually kiss me and hold me and touch me and make love to me. He wanted to hold my hand�all in all he wanted a PHYSICAL RELATIONSHIP�......i kept pleading and crying but that was all useless...he left anyway.� I called him on his mobile but he had disconnected it...i didnt dare call him on his house phone(maybe once or twice i did....but i always hanged up)

I kept calling his mobile on hope that he may have reconnected it again...but all invein. I was very hurt. It was hard to sleep at night without him on the other side of the phone listening to my snore, i cried alot and lost 12 kilos in the process(at least thats the only good thing to come out of it....but eddy loved his women curvy, he loved ass the most)

I emailed him� just to let all my emotions out...no one knows about me and Eddy so it was really hard during my time of grief...i had absoutley no support from anyone but like they� say what doesn"t kill me only makes me stronger!

He honestly told me he� that he was at first �attracted to the fake myspace girl's looks but fell in love with�ME simply because of my personality... thankfully he forgave me.

My realtionship with Eddy for 19 months was nothing but emotional, we have never met� physically he doesnt even have a picture of what i look like. This took a toll on him and�he broke it off.

I refused to accept that...i actually stalked him!!! Calling him 5 times a day he never botherd to pick up my calls so that infuriated me even more. I recall calling his house phone once he picked up and quickly changed his accent and said "this is Eddy's dad Sorry he isnt home" The same thing kept happening whenever anyone picked up the phone....they always claimed he was out

Two weeks later he called we talked and out of nowhere he gave me a kiss. Turns out that was a one night stand!!� a friend of his texted me saying Eddy was confused when he came back to me.......like before i kept on fighting for our love to come back. The response not what i had excpected

Falling in love is not easy as i found out. I cant explain what we had lets just say it was magic.� I� think i kept picking fights with him just to test if what we had was solid as a brick,

We constantly had phone sex it was great....we are quite horny people.� He could make up a scene of what we would do to each other, his voice alone aroused me with my legs pressed hard together i'd listen�and then just cum. It was quite addictive he didnt enjoy it as much but he loved making me happy so he didn't mind doing it

None of us predictated that we would fall in love that hard.......something deep and dark constantly haunted me. I lied to Eddy about who i was

That gal on myspace was not me. She hardly looked like me. I felt so fuckin guilty one night when we were talking i just blurted it out. He was suprised(who wouldn't be!) and shocked. Eddy didn't see this one coming!

I'm a dreamer i'm constantly day dreaming hence my username. This is just a recap of what has happend in the past two years.

I met some one...lets call him Eddy*. We met on myspace, We clicked just like that though it was a very slow devloping relationship. We were on platonic grounds for a year. we flirted occasionaly

I sent him a myspace message�giving him my �telephone number informing him that i had left myspace.�Guess what i didnt delete the myspace...i dunno why i just didn't.

we talked for hours and hours about everything and nothing topics ranged from sex to politics and even family..... I got to know a great deal about him,myself and the world. When we talked it was like the whole world did not mater....it was nothing but sheer bliss

what happens next is just a force of nature we fell in love....by the way i told him i loved him first.