mourningcloak's Journal

Apr 2011
11:25 AM

Clermont

I love it here. It's new and young and active. I think I will feel happy and content. I will paint and do videos and get involved an lose weight and LOVE life. Yes, that's what I will do. Lots to plan and figure out. Life is Good!

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Dec 2010
9:41 AM

almost Christmas

It's two days away. SO many people are so excited. I just want to sleeeeeeep. I can't believe where I am. Back, back, back. Billy. Bob. They are the same guy. I love him but he's a drug addict. WTF????????? How did this happen? What am I supposed to learn? He is dragging me down. I am so sad. I am freaking out! I have to hold onto my spirituality. HOLD ON!! Seeing Pat tonight. That should help me. I hope. OMG! I miss my Mom so much. I miss my boys. I am stuck in this vortex of addiction. Time to break free. Now. This minute. This day. LOVE! LOVE ME!!

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Dec 2010
8:32 AM

Move On Ahead

DEPRESSION. Can't shake it. Don't want to do ANYTHING but sleeeeeep. I think I am disillusioned. I wanted so much more out of my life. I thought I was going to make a difference in the world. HA! I thought I would create an empire or save humanity or just be awesome. I am in a shell. Locked in. But what is locking me in? What is the key to let me out? The truth will set me free. What is that truth? I'm not sure what is going on. I wish I had something to look up. Someone to relate to. Why am I so depressed??? I am healthy (for the most part). It's my dreams. My dreams are evaporating. I am losing my grip on them. What dreams? ? What do I want? REALLY want????I want to create. I need to work harder. I will continue to pursuit my video making. I will move ahead on it. Stop procrastinating. Just do it. There is plenty to do. Don't stop Mary. Push ahead. You are almost there. You can keep learning about it. Keep working for it. Make it happen. Show Sean it can be done. Stop doubting yourself. These people don't know you. Or what you are capable of. You can do this. Just do it! OK!!

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1 comment(s) - 10:47 AM - 12/19/2010

Nov 2010
4:13 AM EST

Yellowfish

Getting started with my new businesssss. Really excited about it!! I just posted my first video on You Tube. Bobby's trip to Asia. I will see how people like it : )

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Aug 2010
9:28 PM EST

Tomorrow I leave for Colorado to help and attend my son's wedding. I am both happy and apprehensive. Tricia will be his main person. His caretaker and love. She will do a fantastic job. Bobby will take very good care of Tricia. They are a good match. Compatible and deeply in love. I am so glad they found each other. They are both adventurous, intelligent, healthy, motivated, compassionate people. I hope I can help them to make things go smoothly and keep the sacredness of the day. LOVE!

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Aug 2010
4:15 AM EST

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Jul 2010
9:52 PM EST

STRESS

I dodged a bullet. I have a lump in my breast and it turns out it is just a cyst. And they don't want to do anything with it. Just leaving it alone. I am so relieved. But I am very stressed out these days and want to UNSTRESS! I am going to take some time off work. It stresses me out to do THAT! So I have to make sure I am doing the right things to get better....Eat right, sleep right, exercise and get fresh air. : ) Going into the garden. See you L8r.....

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Jul 2010
3:57 AM EST

Talking to my Mom

�� I talked to her. I talked to my Mom. She died in February and I have had dreams about her but not like this. I said I keep forgetting you're not here. She said it's OK. I said I wanted to tell you something. Then I thought I should ask her some questions. I said can you see everybody? She said, "Just you guys." �I wanted to ask her if she saw God but then I said "Why are you unhappy?" Because she was breathing hard and wasn't smiling or anything. She said "I'm not unhappy" "There's no words." "I am trying to keep them for Sean." So it's hard to talk to us, I said. She nods her head, yes. I got the impression that the way we communicate is different than how they do and it's VERY hard for them to "talk to us". �I sobbed and sobbed after I �woke up and wrote this all down. Not out of joy. Out of hysteria. That's the only way I can describe it. I tried to tell my husband that this was not like a dream, that I really spoke to her. He believes me as much as he can without having experienced it himself. I am sort of angry that he can't. I am overwhelmed with what this means to me. I was never convinced that there is an afterlife. Until now. ��

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1 comment(s) - 07:34 AM - 08/18/2010

Jul 2010
3:25 AM EST

STRESS

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Jun 2010
11:44 PM EST

Florida

Here I am at my Mom's house in Florida. Well technically it is not my Mom's house, It's now "our" house. Mine, Michael, John, Patty and Khrystene's. It feels different. Empty, but peaceful. I feel different. I am in a bit of a funk. A bit depressed. But I will pull myself out. Need to get back into my life. I need to think.

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Jun 2010
8:18 PM EST

Florida

Trying to get back into the writing thing. Thought this daily diary thing would do it but haven't been very religious about it. I need to express myself. Stretch the brain. My world is getting narrower. I need to write more.

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Jun 2010
3:52 AM EST

Today

I am trying to pull myself out of this lethargic funk I am in....I am home today and will try to get some stuff done.

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May 2010
4:14 AM EST

WAKE UP

Good Morning World

�Today is my wake up call. My soul is beckoning me to wake up , open my eyes, and come back to my center. �I am constantly outside of myself invested in other people. I must reconnect to the source. And in order to do that, yes, I must talk like this : ) . �It seems cruel to cut people off so I can become whole again but I haven't been able to do it any other way. I gather myself in. Grab my power back in thick, purple, felt- strip bunches from my family and friends. Four big armfulls from my husband. I have to use both hands...he tugs back so I have to sort of yank that last bunch away...�Sorry.....Another huge armful from my job...I have to sneak in at night to get it. �If I am caught the consequences will be severe. �A handful from each of my 5 kids, some have more than others....you know. �Guilt causes me to give back a small bunch each....�here...my husband too. I grab more from relatives, neighbors and friends. I feel worse as it goes on so I remind myself that I will be of little use to them anyway if I am not strong, healthy and spiritually fit. I need all my power now. My body is 54 years old, my mind goes from 10 to 100 and my soul is probably a coupla million...So yeah, that's what Im working with on this gorgeous, sunny day in suburban America. � �

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mourningcloak's Profile

Username: mourningcloak

Gender / Age: Female, 69

Location: USA - New York