justjeff's Journal

Sep 2007
11:27 PM EDT

Well, I haven't published anything public since May. However, the private journal at home is filled with the events of the summer.

I moved Elliot to New York, a month ago as of Sept 1. I must say, it was the 2nd hardest thing I have ever lived through. Losing my best friend, Judy, to sudden death in 2000, was the hardest. Still, almost 7 years in October...it's still hard....When I think about it....it seems like she died just a few short days ago.

I think I have cried at least once a day beginning in June, aniticipating Elliot's move to NYC. How am I going to be able to let my 24 year old baby go ! I know it's time to spread his wings. However, I had him for such a short time. He's grown up so fast. I'm to young to have Empty Nest Syndrome !!!! I know I have two other children....who I love dearly.....but there is a special bond with this child....Mostly, I think, because he's gay like me....and I relate to him...and secondly, I adopted him as a much older child....technically an adult...but emotionally, still a child. We could have adult conversations and could somewhat relate to one another. He came into my life when I so needed to keep busy and care for someone, especially, since the biological kids are with their mom half the time.....and I came into his life, when his "blood" family had abandoned him and were showing him no support. Now...after a few short years...getting him threw undergrad....I'm here....leaving him in NYC and back here in NC...to only talk to him by phone and IM. Fortunately we have webcams...so I can seem on occasion.

The tears come easily and often. The first two weeks were the worst. Not only had I moved him to NYC. The day before we moved him there....we moved my things out of the apartment, back into the house that I had built for my ex wife and myself. I bought her out and she was moving on. The biological kids begged me not to sell it....and for their sakes, we're staying in the house. Remodeling is the word of the day.....but it's hard...really hard.. I shut down the apartment that I had lived with Elliot....and moved to the house that I had such bad, marital memories....A part of me feels as if I not only closed the apartment...but shut the door on my life with Elliot...being he never lived in the house....However, On the upside...I'm doing everything in my power to turn the house upside down....to cleanse the bad memories....to cleanse the sense of joint ownership....and move on...to realize...I own this home...it's mine and all 3 children.....Elliot will be here at XMAS to see it. Fortunately...I will be in NYC to visit with him at Thanksgiving....but there are days I wonder if I can make it that long without seeing him. I have never been without him since he came into our life, no more than 2 weeks apart. Now it's a month !!!!!

I'm not sure that I am expressing the deep emptiness I feel with Elliot being in NYC. The lonliness I feel is deep and so raw. Jessica and Andrew are great kids and having them live with me full time now...really helps, but my family is not complete right now. I'm wondering if it ever will be...except for Holidays and vacations. UGH !!!

It's been a month since moving him there. The emotions are not quite so raw. I haven't cried in the last week. Maybe, I'm adjusting....HA. NO...instead...I've been really insecure about our relationship....I am so afraid he's moving on. However, his comment is that he's moving forward not moving on

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justjeff's Profile

Username: justjeff

Gender / Age: Male, 59

Location: USA - North Carolina

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JUSTJEFF's Interests:

About Me: I love my kids....I completely live for them.

Interests: love reading, watching tv, movies....love the theatre....swimming...hiking/camping

Favorite Music: Top 40....Country....bluegrass.....classical

Favorite Movies: My Life as a House, Out of Africa, Pride and Prejudice

Favorite Television: The L Word, Brothers and Sisters, Shark, Six Feet Under

Favorite Books: The Fountain Head, Out of Africa