justjeff's Journal

Sep 2007
11:27 PM EDT

Well, I haven't published anything public since May. However, the private journal at home is filled with the events of the summer.

I moved Elliot to New York, a month ago as of Sept 1. I must say, it was the 2nd hardest thing I have ever lived through. Losing my best friend, Judy, to sudden death in 2000, was the hardest. Still, almost 7 years in October...it's still hard....When I think about it....it seems like she died just a few short days ago.

I think I have cried at least once a day beginning in June, aniticipating Elliot's move to NYC. How am I going to be able to let my 24 year old baby go ! I know it's time to spread his wings. However, I had him for such a short time. He's grown up so fast. I'm to young to have Empty Nest Syndrome !!!! I know I have two other children....who I love dearly.....but there is a special bond with this child....Mostly, I think, because he's gay like me....and I relate to him...and secondly, I adopted him as a much older child....technically an adult...but emotionally, still a child. We could have adult conversations and could somewhat relate to one another. He came into my life when I so needed to keep busy and care for someone, especially, since the biological kids are with their mom half the time.....and I came into his life, when his "blood" family had abandoned him and were showing him no support. Now...after a few short years...getting him threw undergrad....I'm here....leaving him in NYC and back here in NC...to only talk to him by phone and IM. Fortunately we have webcams...so I can seem on occasion.

The tears come easily and often. The first two weeks were the worst. Not only had I moved him to NYC. The day before we moved him there....we moved my things out of the apartment, back into the house that I had built for my ex wife and myself. I bought her out and she was moving on. The biological kids begged me not to sell it....and for their sakes, we're staying in the house. Remodeling is the word of the day.....but it's hard...really hard.. I shut down the apartment that I had lived with Elliot....and moved to the house that I had such bad, marital memories....A part of me feels as if I not only closed the apartment...but shut the door on my life with Elliot...being he never lived in the house....However, On the upside...I'm doing everything in my power to turn the house upside down....to cleanse the bad memories....to cleanse the sense of joint ownership....and move on...to realize...I own this home...it's mine and all 3 children.....Elliot will be here at XMAS to see it. Fortunately...I will be in NYC to visit with him at Thanksgiving....but there are days I wonder if I can make it that long without seeing him. I have never been without him since he came into our life, no more than 2 weeks apart. Now it's a month !!!!!

I'm not sure that I am expressing the deep emptiness I feel with Elliot being in NYC. The lonliness I feel is deep and so raw. Jessica and Andrew are great kids and having them live with me full time now...really helps, but my family is not complete right now. I'm wondering if it ever will be...except for Holidays and vacations. UGH !!!

It's been a month since moving him there. The emotions are not quite so raw. I haven't cried in the last week. Maybe, I'm adjusting....HA. NO...instead...I've been really insecure about our relationship....I am so afraid he's moving on. However, his comment is that he's moving forward not moving on

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May 2007
1:23 AM EDT

Well, Elliot graduated today !! I'm such a proud dad !!! Now off to law school in a few weeks. He and I celebrated his graduation with Chinese Food for Dinner and Watching Indiana Jones / The Last Crusade. Then off to work for me and he went out to the Gay Clubs with his friends.

He called me about 3 AM to tell me he had broken off a semi relationship with a guy he had been "messing" around. I had never been totally happy with this choice of young men, but my son is an adult and has to make his own choices. However, I was pleased to see he had made a good decision.

Elliot then called at 4:30, and was still awake....One of the boys at the bars, got locked out of his apartment and needed a place to crash and Elliot wanted to make sure I had no problem with this guy on our couch. Of course not !! No problem at all. However, the guy ended up finding his keys, so Elliot drove him home. Therefore, Elliot was getting to bed really late. When I get home at 7:30 AM, I'll go straight to bed and we'll hang together in the afternoon.

Tomorrow is Mother's Day. I plan to nap in the AM and then go there for the afternoon to hang out. I'll take the kids over on Monday to hang a bit with mom, being they will be with their own mother on Sunday.

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2 comment(s) - 03:57 AM - 09/02/2007

May 2007
10:25 PM EDT

Well, My boy, Elliot graduates from UNC-G today. In a matter of approximately 10 weeks, I'll be leaving him in NYC for law school. My God, how the time has flown !! He's the first of the children to leave the nest and I'm in an absolute panic ! I've only had my adopted son for a few short years and now he's all grown up and ready to make a life for himself. I couldn't be more proud of him !!!!

I'm not sure he will ever know how much I love him !!!! I couldn't love him more if he were a biological child !! The pride I feel toward him is incredible !! He has accomplished so mucch in a short perod of time.

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Apr 2007
11:32 PM EDT

I'm at work. 3rd shift. An uneventful evening, therefore, I have a little time to do a little journaling. I need to do better at keeping my journal up to date. I have found that journaling to be quite therapeutic if I keep up with it regularly. Sunday was uneventful, with the exception of having a breakfast date after getting off work this AM. He's a nice guy, named Keith. A professional guy, fairly attractive, but I just don't feel any "special" spark with him at all. Over time, I have realized that I have a pretty good "sense" about a person on a first meeting. Especially, whether we will "click" or not. In this particular situation, I felt he was a nice person, but no chemistry between us. After the date, I went home, took a nap until 4:30 when Elliot woke me and wanted to go out to eat. I got up...took him to his favorite local Mexican Restaurant...La Hacienda. Afterwards, I came back home and slept until time to go back to work. See! An uneventful day ! I'm still having trouble with the idea of Elliot moving to New York at the end of the summer. If I think about it much at all, I'm brought to tears. I just love that boy. He's like my own son. I'm not sure "son" is totally the right word, but definitely a combination of "son", "little brother", "child", and "best friend". It all depends on the scenario and situation. However, he's one of the most important people in my life. Elliot was so influential in my abiltiy to be strong enough to "come out" and be true to myself, family, and friends. He was there for me, when most of my closest friends didn't know what to think of me after announcing I was gay. As a roommate, Elliot is family. We care about one another and not just coexist in the same space. We spend time together. We enjoy one another's company. We like similar TV/movies. We enjoy playing cards together, bowling, playing pool together. We have spent time hiking and camping on the Appalachian Trail and on Stone Mountain in Elkin, NC. The thought of us not living together and having daily contact is almost more than I can bear. Not seeing him daily and knowing he's safe, is almost more than I can bear. I'm so blasted protective of him. I guess being he's so young (24) and looks so much younger. He just has an innocence about him. I know a very special season of our life is drawing to a close. He's about to "spread his wings" and take a "test flight". I'm so proud of him. I'm just going to miss him more than I can ever imagine. O GOD HELP ME !!!

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Apr 2007
10:47 PM EDT

Well, Jan 1 is the last time I made an entry. Where to begin ? Alot has taken place and alot will take place throughout this most pivotal year. 2007 is proving to be a monumental year. Just after the first part of the year, Linda (the wife) announced that she had obtained an attourney and had filed for divorce. It appeared that it was going to be a "battle", but after a few conversations with Linda, she thought better of herself to battle with me. She came to her senses and realized that she would only be hurting the children if she attempted an all out war with me. Additionally, she would be isolating herself from her children. We decided to ask some mutual friends to mediate between us. It was a relatively good meeting. In fact, things turned out so well, I was able to refinance the house and "buy her out". She will remain in the house through July. August and September will be spent gutting the house and remodeling/redecorating. I am doing some necessary work now, such as having a water softener/conditioner and Treatment system installed, having replacement windows replaced that had developed fog between the panes, mulching the flower beds, washing the front of the house, and getting quotes for minor construction. Elliot has been accepted into Touro Law School on Long Island. I feel like it's happening so fast. I feel like apart of me is just going to die when he moves to NYC. I really don't know how I'm going to drop him off in NYC and leave him and come back to NC. I just can't believe I'm going to be so far away from him. How can I take care of him when he's so far away?

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Dec 2006
9:19 PM EDT

HAPPY NEW YEAR from my OFFICE. Can you believe I'm working on New Year's Eve 2007 !!!! Actually I've celebrated New Years at the office for the last several years. Hell...might as well let the young ones play !!! Elliot is at a party... Trashed of course !! He just sent a Picture text.....He's so funny !!!! Today was a good day !! Celebrated Christmas with Andrew. He was so shocked when he realized that he was actually going to get a puppy !! I thought he was going to cry !!! I had a date tonight before work. Van had dinner with Elliot and me. Elliot stayed until about 9:30, which gave Van and I about an hour to hang out alone. He's such a nice man....but I don't there is a future. He for sure is "into" me....but I just don't feel the same. Guess I'm going to have a little "talk" and put "the cards" out on the table.

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Dec 2006
3:33 AM EDT

Well, Christmas has come and gone. So has Wade....LOL...He pulled another stunt over the holidays and ended up being a "no call, no show" for Christmas Eve Dinner. The funny thing: I wasn't even upset. The sad part was that I expected the worst of him and he lived up to my expectations. In his defense, he did call at 10 PM on Christmas Eve while we were traveling to All Saints Episcopal for Midnight Mass, to fine out the time of the service. I know he could tell by my tone that I was done !! To be completely honest, I had decided to end the relationship after the holidays any way. I was hoping to keep a friendship at least. However, with his complete disrespect of my time and efforts to include him in our family for the holidays, I don't feel I have any thing to say to him, at all. What a shame ! He was such a personable guy.

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Dec 2006
2:21 AM EDT

Well...It's Christmas Eve. Just Drew and I here at the office, running the show. We're having a quiet night. Today, I will do a little last minute Christmas shopping. Afterwards....I'm going home to do a little cooking with Jessica. Hopefully, I will get a little nap in late morning or early afternoon. Late afternoon or early evening, Chara and Wade will be stopping by for dinner and hanging out. We plan on going to church for the 1030 Mass at the Episcopal Church.

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Dec 2006
4:01 AM EDT

Friday, Dec 22. was productive. Rainy and unusually warm for Greensboro, NC. I did some last minute Christmas Shopping. I picked up Jessica's Christmas Gift. Being Andrew is in Cleveland with his mom for the holiday...I will pick up his gifts after XMAS and take advantage of the "after christmas" sales. Jessica and I did some last minute grocery shopping, as well. I got a few hours nap and then picked up Jessica's friend Alana, who was spendig the night. I made dinner for the kids and went back to bed. I didn't hear from Elliot today, which made me sad. I hope I hear from him soon. I miss him alot. I haven't talked to Wade since Wednesday afternoon. I wonder when he will slow down and realize he hasn't talked with me. I have no idea what Wade's plans are over Christmas. Chara is planning on joining us for Christmas Eve. I have an invitation by James, Elliot's BF, to attend St. Mary's Episcopal for Christmas Eve service. However, I am really interested in All Saints Episcopal...It's closer to my home and a bigger congregation. If I attend All Saints Episcopal, I would be able to blend in with the congregation and not stick out like a sore thumb as I would at St. Mary's.

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Dec 2006
9:48 PM EDT

Well...No excitement today, except I did have a couple of hours with Wade this evening. We had coffee at Caribou and chatted. He is so sweet. I'm not sure if it's because I like him so much or what....but he gives the absolute best hugs. I got to the coffee shop before he did and when he got there...he gave me the longest hug. It felt so good and so right. We chatted about our day and made some plans for the week. Looks like he won't be over until Tuesday night. However....he's coming for dinner, going to Jessica's XMAS concert and staying the night. We'll most likely stay up late and watch some movies. Sundays are such a bad day when seeing my oldest, Elliot. I usually work 5 hours at Pier One and then a couple of hours off then my "Friday" at American Express. It's just hit or miss if I see him. Tonight we had dinner together...but I left directly afterwards to meet Wade and he was going out to play pool with his BF, James.

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Dec 2006
3:56 AM EDT

Saturday, Dec 16, 2006. After leaving the office on Saturday AM, I called one of my closest friends, Scott. I needed to get some input from him about my boyfriend, Wade. Scott was an excellent listener and had some excellent insight to the situation and me personally. He really helped put things in perspective, which caused me to feel I needed to ask a few questions from Wade and let him know the error of my ways, as well. I drove over to his place and he was out in the yard setting up for a yard sale. He immedieately came over to the car and hugged me. We had an excellent talk. Afterwards, I went and got coffee for Faye (his housemate) and for us. We sat on the porch in the AM sun, playing Crazy 8's. When leaving, Wade gave me the biggest hug and sweetest kiss. It feels so right being hugged by him. I care for this dude so much. I feel so vulnerable with my feelings toward him. UGH!! This is all so new to me!!! After leaving...I came home and fixed breakfast for Elliot and James. James was so sweet and had given Elliot flowers. I went on and on about them. Afterward Breakfast, Elliot took James home and I crocheted a bit before falling asleep in the recliner. I'm making a blanket for Elliot, for XMAS. It's really nice. I hope he will be surprised.

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Dec 2006
3:52 AM EDT

Well, I'm back at work last night, Thursday, Dec 14. I absolutely cannot believe Christmas Eve is 10 Days away. I've had a productive and good week. I had the kids on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. On Tuesday, Andrew had a girlfriend over, Jessica had Skye over and Elliot had James over. My Wade was a No Show and without even a call !!!! UGH !!! What is his deal. However, it was ok.... I have decided to make the relationship more casual. I'm feeling he's not capable of a committed relationship for a couple of various reasons. #1 he has come out of a failed business and he's trying to get on his feet and #2. He may not feel as close to me as I feel to him. So, I just need to deal with it and adjust my feelings accordingly. I take Elliot to the airport next Wednesday, Dec 20. He is flying to Cocoa Beach to visit his Grandparents and mom and stepdad for the holidays. Andrew leaves for Cleveland on Friday, Dec 22, with his mom. Jessica is staying with me for the holiday. Therefore, we are having our little Christmas on Tuesday night, Dec 19. Jessica has her Christmas Choral Concert at Weaver Academy of the Performing Arts. I will try to have a dinner before we go. I'll try to give everyone a little present before we go our seperate ways for the holiday, and I'll give their main gifts once everyone returns. On Wednesday evening after taking Elliot to the Airport, I'm taking Elliot's BF and the Kids to The Festival of Lights at Tanglewood.

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Dec 2006
9:21 PM EDT

I enjoyed the day. I didn't have to work the part time job today. I picked Andrew up early and we went shopping for the clothes he needed for his School Chorus Concert on Monday. Thank goodness it didn't take to long. Afterwards....we went back to the apartment where Jessica, Elliot and James (Elliot's BF) were lying around playing with the puppy, Amos. I made a big breakfast for everyone (Pancakes and eggs). Once the kids and James left...I went and napped. Elliot woke me about 4 and said that something was wrong with the puppy and he was taking her to the vet. Elliot got back at 6 and had just gotton the bad news that the puppy was blind. We are in a huge turmoil whether to keep the dog. We acknowledge that the dog is special in his own way...even if handicapped. However, alot of money was spent on a "perfect" dog. In the evening, Elliot, his BF, James, Wade, my BF and myself went to Weaver Academy of the Performing Arts to see my Daughter's best friend dance. His name is Skye. He's a gay High Schooler, who is out. He's the cutest kid. We just had to go and show our support. It was a good dance recital. Lots of people there. After getting to our seats, I was surprised when Wade put his arm around me. I'm still a little uptight about Public Display of Affection. Even when I was living a "straight" life, I really wasn't into PDA. LOL. However, I handled it well, I thought. I really do like Wade. When we are together, the conversation is easy. I am just so comfortable around him !! However....there are some things to be worked out still...I still have some things to work out in my soul when thinking on this relationship. I do believe the things that are concerning me, can be worked out...but Wade will have to do his part to alleviate my concerns. We'll see !!!

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Dec 2006
3:33 AM EDT

Monday and Tuesday (Dec 4 & 5). Elliot, the kids and I went and picked out our Christmas Tree. We got it from a tree lot in downtown Greensboro. It was a place which donates a portion of their proceeds to drug and alchol abuse agencies. We set the tree up on Monday night and decorated it on Tuesday. Below is a pic.

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justjeff's Profile

Username: justjeff

Gender / Age: Male, 59

Location: USA - North Carolina

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JUSTJEFF's Interests:

About Me: I love my kids....I completely live for them.

Interests: love reading, watching tv, movies....love the theatre....swimming...hiking/camping

Favorite Music: Top 40....Country....bluegrass.....classical

Favorite Movies: My Life as a House, Out of Africa, Pride and Prejudice

Favorite Television: The L Word, Brothers and Sisters, Shark, Six Feet Under

Favorite Books: The Fountain Head, Out of Africa