Well I'm enrolled in school & my 1st day was scary, exciting, and my start to a positive 2008. My class ended early 6:30 & my mother didn't come pick me up until 8:47pm. I was pissed and then if shit couldn't get any better we got a flat tire down the street from the school. My ass hole poor excuse for a man dad was trying to tell my mother to deal with it on her own instead of being a man & coming right away to get us. These are the reason the hate in my blood for him runs so thick. Gratefully the tow truck came in less then a half hour. I'm home now feeling good still that I'm in school. Can't wait until tomorrow. Class is from 6:30 to 9:25pm. I seen one cute black dude well dressed to but I'm not interested I'm focused. One black dude tried to get at me. He cool much older then me but he is not my type at all. Not many black people out in mequon but I see some girls who may be cool to get to know. This should go well. Looking forward to the growing experience that this will bring.
Today was cool. Found out I can still enroll in school so tomorrow I'll be at my school bright and early. Can't wait till this weekend I might go out but will see. I'm going to be involved with some church functions Thursday through Sunday but I'm looking forward to my free time. Really I'm going to get all my shit this weekend hopefully Thursday. I've dragging this thing out but I'm ready to get it over with. Were making plans to go to LA this Thanksgiving. Can't wait haven't seen my fam in damn near 10 years. Sad but that's all about to change. I'm going to make sure I visit more. Next time I'll be that way hopefully in April. My mom, brother, and I are going for the weekend of thanksgiving can't wait. I'll get some shopping in, sight seeing, couple clubs, & time with my fam. I miss them all so much. I'm thinking it's cause I don't know them well.
Today I realized the most damaging thing about my parents fights when I was younger, the fact that the next day everything would be forgotten. Covered up to appear as if there are no problems and we have the greatest family on earth. I don't know if it's just me but I can forgive but I can never forget. So having my mom act as if she forgot he just called you a stupid worthless women who he doesn't love & don't need the night before pissed me off. More than him actually hitting her, more than him coming in drunk, more then him standing us up, more than him only thinking about himself, only doing things if it benefitted himself, more than the lack of love I believe he felt for me & my brother, more than the pure hate I felt for him when he was around because of all the lies & broken promises. He destroyed our family all because he couldn't keep his dick in his pants. He is the worst thing that ever happened to my mom. Besides my brother & I she has only gotten heartache, pain, endless tears, a couple of black eyes, foolish arguments, and a torn down self esteem. I thought I was over a lot of my demons from the past but it's clear I'm not because of the feeling I have in the pit of my gut. It's hate for the man I call father. My mother says only god can change my heart & take the pain away, but when your constantly around this shit it's hard to forgive & forget. Usually when a person gets older they start seeing there faults more clearly & try what ever it takes to change there old bad ways. Not him it's like as he ages he gets worst. Even with church he's not changing he's still as evil as the day is long. My dream wish is for my mom to leave his ass, leave him by himself so he can know how it feels to not feel love, to be abandon like what he did to us. Then maybe in time I will learn to let bygones be bygones. I remember the night he hit her the first time that we seen and the next morning she acted as if nothing happen(damn still pisses me off till this day) hurt so bad I hated her loss respect for her, felt like she deserved him Sometimes I still feel like she deserves him because she chooses to stay. She has other options beside that me & reece are grown we can take care of our self shit we been doing it since we came to Milwaukee. My life has been so broken behind the love hate bullshit my parents have taken us through. I may never forgive or forget all the bull I've been through because those 2 where so selfish and didn't think about the other 2 people involved in the story. But they did teach me life's biggest lesson early, NO ONE GIVES 2 SHIT'S ABOUT U BUT U(I MEAN REALLY WHOLE HEARTED CARE NOT THAT SURFACE SHIT). U WERE BORN ALONE & YOU'LL DIE ONLY. Maybe I'm just being a biter bitch scorn from the life I was born with. That's what I try 2 tell myself 2 but people keep proven what my parents taught me right.
Today was interesting. I started the day off talking to my brother for like 3 hours. Since we hadn't seen each other in months we decided to go skating. I use to go roller skate all the time started when I was 13 stopped when I was 19 & the last time I've been was when I was 20. Skating use to be the hottest thing around.. My brother and his friends had this skate group called the mill town rollers & they had it all the girls, the moves, the hottest cars, clothes, & looks. The group leader was angelo this dark skin, skinny, fly dude who could skate his ass off & I had the biggest crush on him for years. It started when I was 14 and it lasted until I was 18. We almost dated but he played me for a girl who was taking care of him. Giving him money, using her car, she brought his clothes, etc... so I guess I don't blame him for choosing her. All I had at the time were looks. Any way it took me a long time to get over him, and one day I told myself I would still have him. Which I could but he's not wroth my time or the effort. He is like that hot jock in high school that everybody likes but 10 years later he's a dead beat that everybody hates. The from riches to rages story, well that's angelo. Besides angelo I mingled with a few others. Nothing major, but the one who really got under my skin was murphy. He was everything a woman needs in a man, true husband material & I had him. He wasn't the best liking guy but he was presentable. He wasn't my usually type either, but he was so sweet & worshiped the ground I walked on. I guess you can say I was young & dumb because I let him go. For what reason I still don't know I guess cause he wasn't fly enough shallow I know I'm not proud. We never really had closure because I just stopped talking to him one day I just didn't call him or return his calls. So now when every we see each other we don't speak & it's all weird. Well he was at skating & he had his new girlfriend with him light skin. long hair, not as cute as me but she was ok for him. He tried not to look my way but I caught him staring a little. I can tell he still cares, probably going to think about me tonight. Cause I'm going to be thinking about him. I wonder if I should have kept him in my life or if I did the right thing by ending that. I know the way I did it was wrong, but what's done is done. Apart of me wonders what if & that small part of me is keeping we up right now. Let it go!!!!!!!!!!! I had a drink tonight also for the first time in months. It felt good, I even brought me some wine to have for these upcoming stress filled weeks. My brothers best friend tony is having a baby, his girlfriends 10 weeks. He's been wanted this baby for a while now but tony is the type of guy who does not I repeat does not need a kid. It's that bad trust me. Hopefully he grows up more before the kid comes. I'm really proud of my brother he is making really good money as a trunk driver so things are looking good for him. Oh yeah my dad & mom got into this big ass fight today. I really hope they dead there relationship, so my mom can have a little chance at happiness.
Today was a good day. I decided that the art institute isn't the best thing for me right now. Maybe next semester or even next year. Besides that I have this nervous feeling in the pit of my tummy not sure what that's about but I hope it passes soon. Oh yeah I just found it may be to late for me to sign up for classes this fall. When my parents find that out I won't here the end of it. I guess it's my fault I always wait until the last minute to do stuff. Work was okay besides the fact that we are short handed and instead of my dad doing every thing he can to help he waits for me to do it but then he stays around me all in my way getting on my last nerves. Thankfully tomorrow is Friday and the weekend is right around the corner. I'm not really looking forward to Saturday but I got to be a woman face this and go get my stuff. I talked to my brothers ex today on myspace. She is really reaching out for us to have a relationship which is cool she's a sweet girl. Other than that life's is cool.
My Crush
Okay so I know I'm not suppose to be focused on guys right now but a girl can have her eye on someone right? Well I'll start with our first encounter it was like May 2007 and we (cb, j nelly, & I) decided to go see Nas the rapper at the Rave. We got free tickets and backstage access because cb & j nelly's mothers 2nd husband happens to be Nas's first cousin. Cool right so we get dolled up for the concert. I was pretty fresh if I do say so myself. So we at the show I'm not expected to see anyone of interest there because it's nothing but lames in the mill. But as I'm enjoying the show through the smoke crowded club this caramel skinned fly ass dude comes through by his self. He was looking so good. His outfit was on point he was my type of man well dressed, cute face, I'm sure he smelted good. I was speechless but just as quick as he appeared he was gone lost in the crowd. So I kept my eyes open for him through out the show and after. After the show before we went backstage we had to wait till the crowd in the club cleared. We were the last people in the club along with a few others. While waiting me and my friends ignored lame ass dudes trying to get us to kick it with them that night then I spotting him. He was in front of us talking to his friends I watched in amazement I know I needed him. I never been so taking back by a guy in my life. So I contemplated going up to him but I didn't have my phone so I used that as an excuse not to go up to him because what if he wanted me to take his number. I just stared at him trying to maybe catch his eye. When he made eye contact with me I almost melted. It seemed like he was lingering around with his friends for whatever reason. They moved from in front of us to the side of us a couple feet away. As I stared in his direction he kept looking but it was clear I wasn't going to move and either was he. When I finally worked up the nerve to go up to him me were being called back to meet Nas. Damn I fucked up & felt stupid right away. I talked about it the rest of the night feeling dumber & dumber cause I knew I would never see him again because the type of crowd that would be at a Nas show hung out on the eastside & I was off the north side. Plus I had never seen him anywhere. The mill is small but some people did slip through the cracks. He was one of those people. Any who 3 months later I'm on myspace looking at my brothers friend tony's friends list and I see a picture of this cute caramel skin boy wondering who he was I went to his page looked at his picture's and there it was him with one of the guys he was with at the concert with. I froze, then smiled from ear to ear. I found him now I have a way to reach him but now is not the right time in my life. I did however learn his name, learned that he is a college grad, 25 years old, not in a relationship, and is into graphic design. So I'm sure I'll put together some sort of plan to get him. One thing about me is I get everything I want. If one way doesn't work there is always another. I think he could be what I need but I learned through experience NEVER put all your eggs in one basket or get your hopes to high when dealing with people. We shall see what happens.
Let Me Fill You In
Currently I'm in a weird situation let me back up a couple months from now. March 2007 my parents & I weren't seeing eye to eye on curfew & life in general so they told me and my older to move out. Which we did with no problem it was getting that time anyway but it happened so fast we were about to go out & he told us not to come back only to get are stuff. So we did my brother moved with his girlfriend & I moved with my two friends & there mother in a tiny 2bedroom apartment. Also both of my friends have kids and they are taking care of there nephew. The living situation was cool a little crowded but if you have no other place to go it's cool. Now speed up to the end of July there great grandmother passed and the funeral was in oklahoma so we all planed to go down there. Honestly I didn't feel comfortable going cause it wasn't my family. And a 12 hour car ride with 4 adults, & 3 babies didn't seem appealing. So I asked my parents if I could crash at there house which they were fine with. Any way being there made we realize trying to go to school & work in a house full of people wasn't going to work. My parents were filling the same way and asked me if I wanted to come back home. I agreed but in the meantime my house mates had returned from there trip and didn't brother to call and say they were back so I stayed at my parents house for 2 weeks before I called them and came by the house to get a few things. There other sister had returned with them from the trip and was going to be staying at the house two which meant no room for me anyway. They acted funny when I came by didn't speak bullshit like that. So now it's been about a month and I haven't called or went back. I feel bad but I don't know how to make the situation better. I have to go get the rest of my things from there house this weekend because I start school next week and I need my clothes. Hopefully things go well with that. I still want them in my life but just not like it was. I feel like the path that I want my life to go down they aren't tryna go down thus causing us to grow apart. I'm not sure if things are going to be the same but then again things were headed in a odd direction any way.
On another note me and my brother who were extremely close haven't talked in almost a month. It brothers me a bit only because I'm use to talking to him everyday. We have been through so much it's weird not having him to share my problems with and just to talk to. But I guess we are grown now so things change when you get grown. Personally I rather be alone but that's so topically for me. I that girl in school that everybody loves to be around because she's the life of the party, pretty, smart, creative, and fun. I like the attention and the friends but deep down I'm empty and I rather be alone because I'm scared to let people in because I feel like I'm living a lie. Every thing I've been through in life I fill like I don't deserve to be happy, I can't be pretty, I'm not smart just got through life on common sense, and no one should want to be around me but I'm going to try and change that in 2008. I want to become more social get out of this pattern of pushing everyone away. That includes trying to get into a relationship with someone because I'm sure I deserve some kind of love and affection. I'm really damaged from seeing all the shit my mom went through with my dad, rasing myself along side of my brother cause my dad had my moms head fucked up and being treated like trash by my dad's family and it's time to address my issues instead of pretending they don't exist. I've considered seeing a professionally & getting there opinion. I'm much better than how I was a few years back. I've learned to love myself and put me first, so I am growing I believe the next step is healing from my past. But I need help in that department I have no clue where to start or what all I need healing from. 2008 will be the year I change my life and myself. I will be taking a test for the united states postal office soon that's $20 an hour. Besides school and that I'm going to start networking for my clothing line, start my portfolio with that and modeling. Actually doing things that make me happy with two middle fingers to anybody who's against that. My personal and love life will be but on pause until I accomplish some of my goals. My plans for the next few months will be working for my dad part time cleaning schools at night, college, the post office hopefully, my clothing line, & remaking me. After I get things in order then I can concentrate on friends and getting a boyfriend becauselove is life andif you miss love you miss life. By Spring 2008 I should have things together.
Hi Everyone I'm New Here So I Just Wanted To Say Hi & Tell You A Little About Myself. I'm 21 Years Old, I Am In School For Interior Design. I'm Currently Single But Looking To Befriend Someone & If All Goes Well Turn It Into Something More. Right Now I Have A Crush On Someone But It's Not The Right Timing In My LifeTo Pursue Him Right Now So We Will Get Back To That. In My Free Time I Enjoy Shopping, Writing, Reading, Going Out, Being With My Friends, & Designing Clothing. My Goals For 2008 Are To Start Modeling, Start My Own Clothing Line, Get Into Real Estate, Travel, & Find A Boyfriend. I'm A Cool, Laid Back Simply Girl Who Likes To Have Fun& Enjoy Life. I Was Born In Los Angeles CA, But I Grew Up In Milwaukee WI. I Have 1 Older Brother, My Parents Remarried When I Was 16 After Being Separated For Over 10 Years. I Grow Up Hard But It's Made Me A Stronger Person. I'm A Gemini So I Have Lots Of Personality & I'm Very Outgoing Usually The Life Of The Party. Having This Online Journal Is Important Because Maybe The Things I Go Through Can Help Somebody Else Going Through Similar Situations. I Plan To Be Open & 100% Honest. This Will Be An Account Of My Day To Day Trails & Tribulations. Enjoy.
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