I don't know what I want to do anymore. I'm miserable about 50% of the time, happy about 25%, and ehhh the other 25%. I hate responsibility -- paying all my bills, working 25-30 hours a week, going to school 15 hours a week, food shopping, taking care of my apartment, not having near enough fun. The day-in, day-out routine has gotten so old. It was old a week into it. If I could work just because I wanted to, then it'd be great, but just simply because I HAVE to work, I hate it. It's not so much that it's stressful (it used to be) as much as it's just annoying. When I'm at work I can't be home, I can't be relaxing, I can't be enjoying my life the way I want to. But honestly, how do I really want to enjoy it? I couldn't tell you. And that's depressing. I don't know what I want. I tell my boyfriend I want alone time, but 5 seconds later I say what I want is to go out and have fun. Truth be told... I don't know. I kind of feel smothered. But it's totally my fault. I have it in my head that I don't want to leave the apartment by myself (to go tanning, window shop, get my eyebrows waxed, go out to lunch with a friend, etc) because I feel bad that I have to leave my boyfriend for even longer (he's usually home alone when I'm at work) but really, I don't want to leave him by himself for more reasons than that. I feel bad leaving him alone because I pity him since all his friends live so far away now, and because I'm jealous that he'll get even more time by himself, and because I'm insecure and don't like not knowing what he's doing. I have thought about suicide probably once a day for 5 out of every 7 days for the past couple of months. I don't think I'd ever actually do it, though, because I know it would hurt so many people and while�I'm not fully happy with my life most of the time, I'm not ready to die over it because I've got this hope in the back of my head that it might possibly get better at some point.�
Some background: I'm 19 years old, I live in an apartment with my boyfriend who is also 19. I don't have any monetary support from my family. I don't really have anyone I'd consider a close/ best friend except for my boyfriend. He's totally supportive of everything I do. I have no real hobbies except being a control freak. I don't talk to my parents.. my mom pretends I don't exist and my dad plays games with my emotions so I removed myself from that situation and now I'm on my own financially and whatever other ways there are. Need more info?�Ask.
What I want from you (anyone who reads this): Share your story -- similar or not. Comment on my half-story (it's too long to tell it all, sorry). Show me support, tell me I'm an idiot, whatever you feel when you read this.
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