��������� On Tuesday, April 8th, 2008, my grandma passed away. She was in rehab and we all thought that she was getting better. Then over the weekend we found out that she had caught a disease and was in the hospital again. It was called C-def or something like that and it messed with her intestines. Also my parents told me that her pnemonia came back.
�������� Monday night� someone from the family called and said that her blood pressure had dropped dangerously low and they rushed to the hospital. Grandma had hit lows before and i hadn't worried much about her. My parents were there all night so i went to sleep. The next morning my dad called us into their room. My mom told me that my grandma had passed away. Her blood pressure had dropped so low that her heart finally stopped. I have never cried so hard in my entire life.
������ How could this have happened? The last time before she was in the hospital, she looked totally healthy. Our year revolves around her. Every holiday is spent with her. I can't imagine not seeing her up at the lake, or at christmas, or at easter. Next time mom doesn't know what to do she can't call her. Its almost surreal that she's gone. I'm going to miss her so much.
������It feels like someone has clawed at my heart. Just thinking about her makes my heart, and body feel like its being weighed down. I went to school today and i thought of her almost all day. Every one said i was sorry. I have no idea what to do with that. all i said was "i'm fine" and "it's ok". I didn't know what else to do. tomorrow is the wake and friday is the funeral. I have no idea how i'm going to deal. All i can think about is running. Its the one thing that i've done today thats made me feel GOOD. i'll probably run all weekend.
��� What makes it worse is that she hated all of it. I couldn't even go into see her the first month or so. I was scared. I had never seen grandma sick, and seeing her anything but healthy scared me to death. I thought that if i saw her really bad i would never have hope that she would get better. Finally when i saw her i�was not scared, but heartbroken, to see her that way. she deserved better. she was an amazing woman and didn't�deserve how to go through that. I hated how she was weak and� it hurt to see her that way. I might have been happier�if i had more time with her,�and i�would have been more than delighted for her to�not have gone in that�way. Hopefully the lord is treating her the way she deserves. I am going to miss her so much. that phrase is said�so many times, and until�you�have lost something, you never truely know how much�meaning�it really has. �
It's 4:26 A.M. and i've been awake since 3. My total hours of sleep...3. I kept waking up thinking i needed to leave for basketball, and that i had to pull out my curlers. Being sleepy and unaware, i pulled out my curlers...grrrr. now they are gonna deflate faster.
But you wanna know what i'm really excited for?...To see Zach. I am sooo confused. A couple days ago i was totally content and happy that i had him as such a good friend. But then he dropped the bomb...He had a girlfriend. The raging green monster reared its ugly head inside me. Now i'm on the borderline of jealous girlfriend and a good friend. And i'm pretty sure i like.
He just gets me, ya know? Here's an example:
I was upset with myself b/c of my birthday situation. I get the fact that we are tight on money right now, but i expect more for my birthday. I just feel so selfish and its eating me up. Its just so hard for me, and i don't know why. What makes it worse is that the rest of my siblings handle it so much better than me.
Anyway, so i was online with Zach was concerned:
Zach: What's wrong?
Abby: Nothing, i'm fine
Zach: you're lying. you're not talking as much online, somethings bothering you
Abby: (explain the situation)
Zach: I see, that totally sucks.
Abby: Yea
Zach:k...well lets get ur mind off of it.
And then we started a round of questions and it totally made me forget about it. And dude, he knew something was wrong and we were ONLINE. It's not like he read the expression on my face, he just KNEW. I'm not gonna say i'm in love with him because, hello...i'm 13 (actuallly i'm 14 in a couple hours) and it just doesn't feel right coming from me, at this age. I just really like him i guess. But why does this keep happening to me?
I was head over heels for Cody (which i don't get why), and he was in love with Nina. and now i'm starting to like Zach again...but he's going out with some girl named Rachel. God, i saw a picture of her and she's mega pretty. Like model-pretty. It makes me hate her even worse. Except, with each of these situations, i end up being the one person that they gush about their girlfriend to. YIPEE, i get to hear about how wonderful, pretty, and great she is. and what do i do? i have to listen put in a friends input and act happy. LA-DE-FRIKIN-DA
So yesterday i went to babysit. mrs. thompson told me she would be back by 9:30 so i thought 'no biggie, i can make it to kelsey's by then'. so 9:30 came, then 10:00, and then 10:30 finally she showed up them. i'm really pissed by then that she hadn't showed up on time. so i get my money and get out of there.
I sprinted down to the basement where my parents were and was like 'can we go?' my mom didn't even look at me 'no it's too late' anger immediately filled me. i marched up the steps and slammed my door. it wasn't a very good place to be held up in, especially when ur pissed as hell. i tried pacing but i could only take two steps. so i turned to swearing my head off.
i think i dropped the f-bomb 25 times, shit=12, and bitch=20. I thought i couldn't get any angrier but then my dad came to talk to me. How fucking stupid are they?? I'm raging mad to begin with, what makes them think that talking to me right then will help matters. His lecture was just about how selfish it was of me to expect that they would drive me,how he heated the car for a half hour for me, how i hurt their feelings,etc,etc.
The whole thing was just a load of bull shit. It took all the self control i had to not slap him in his face, call him a condescending fucker, or slam the door on is stupid face. I was gripping the door and the arm of my director's chair so tightly that i thought i would snap both of them. I held so tight that my knuckles were white. I tried my hardest to keep my face composed but my bottom lip was quivering, and my eyes were tearing up. I bet my hatred was spread across my face, and i don't care. I hate showing weakness and to have him of all people see that what he said affected me. For all i know he probably thought i was crying from guilt, not the fact that i wanted to spock him in the alcohol-damaged liver.
I cried so hard that night. i don't think i've ever hated two people so much in my life.
OMFG. Now cody tells me he likes me. What the hell. i realized that i just don't like him. no special feeling when ithink about him, no nothing. all thati feel is annoyance. nowwe probably won't be friends b/c i'm gonna hurt his feelings cuz i have kind of led him along.
All i can think about is will i regret it? I mean i can see us together. I'm getting a lot of ppl saying "you guys would be such a cute couple" then their are the other ppl who say "you guys are like brother and sister!" So far i'm believing the you guys look like brother and sister. My head is gonna explode-say yes or no? I'm just like pissed at him all the time. I need this christmasbreak to hurry up and get here. i need some space to think. it'd be good if iwas able to putthat space in between us myself, but he sitswith me on the bus EVERYDAY!! I love cody to death, but right now it's likebrother/sister love.
WHAT AM I GOING TO DO!?!?!?!
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