So he has a girlfriend...Well, his exact words were "currently seeing someone right now." And I have to see him fourth block.I don't regret telling him that I like him. Not in the least. You see, it's everything else that I regret. I regret avoiding him after the football game. I regret not hugging him back when he hugged me. I regret not looking dead into those blue/green eyes and asking right then and there "What are the chances?" I'm not a waiter. I never have been and swore never to be. Men to me are some infectious desease out to destory your heart. I almost had myself convinced I was a lesbian and I would have been fine with that, never having to give my heart to...a man. Then he had to deep me down, like some sence from Dirty Dancing, and looking into his eyes I knew right then I was hooked. I guess it's because he was my first boyfriend, why I never forgot him. I was only thirteen at the time, he was twelve. Something that feels so long ago seems like it was only yesterday. I broke up with him in eighth grade so I could go to the Sweetheart Dance with another boy, who was all over the girl he liked when we were there. Ever since, something bad has happened at the Sweetheart Dance. I'm convinced that dance is cursed and a few times almost didn't go because of it. I regret not going to that dance with him, more than anything. We probably wouldn't have lasted, but I didn't have to leave him, not right then, not for that reason. I didn't like him anymore, but I could have at least gone to that dance with him. Four years later, I'm fretting over the same boy, the one I swore I could never like again. I would have dreams about him, through these years. I've had a handful of boyfriends since him and he's had a few girlfriends, but with every single boy I ever dated, whenever we would start going out and then again we would break up, I would dream about him. I won't say his name, because I'm afraid someone I know may read this and I really don't want anyone knowing this. No one that I know. But this is it. This is what I have been thinking of all weekend. I was advised to tell him today how I felt. But how do I do that? What do I say? There is so much more to the story then I just liked him once when I was younger and that was it. It is so much more than that. But of course, it always is, and in time, I'll tell you why I hate men and why I can't trust and why I feel so alone and broken at times. You may have a guess and you may be right. But now is not the time. That is for another day. But, my friend, you are about to witness a part of me many will never see. I may seem over dramatic, but admit, this is a pretty good read, if you're into this kind of thing. I can't wait until fourth block. I've reheared it in my mind for the past three days, like a speech in Language class, and I know that as soon as I'm up there in front of the podium, and all eyes are on me, I'm going to go blank. I'll talk to him before I change for colorguard, in the hallway in front of the bandroom. I'll look at him and tell him I'm sorry. That's all that I'm sure of that I will say. I'm sorry. I'm sorry not for telling you. I'm sorry not for liking you. I'm sorry for hurting you. Because I know I did. And I wish for anything to take it back. I'm not just saying this now, because I like you, but I've always felt like this. Please believe me. If you really like her, I will by no means stand in your way. Because if you are happy, I may not like that it isn't with me, but I'll let you go. I'll let you get on with your life. But I must know...(because I heard from a friend of his he did)....Do you feel anything for me, anything at all? If you like her, fine. Just tell me. I'd rather know now then wonder later. If we have a chance, I'll wait. (Five minutes left for this entry). I'll wait..... I've never waited on anybody before. Never really wanted to. Maybe it's because he was my first boyfriend, why I never forgot him. I would always secreatly say he was my first love. Puppy love is still love and still feels as real as anything. I can only hope he feels the same....
I'm more of a private journal type of person, but I like reading everyone elses, so I think I'll post a public one just for the heck of it. I'm in Web Page Designs and it seems as though I'm not the only one that post entries in a computer class (I wonder how many are in this very room right now). Life is pretty good right now. I may post more and expain the craziness that has been my eighteen years on this earth. I like a boy....which is very amusing because I told my mom I was gay, because I thought I was....so I guess it's bi...Anyway, this isn't just any boy (of couse, because they never are). He was my first boyfriend. I've had a few since him. He's in my Astronomy class. The first few days of school he talked to me, told me I looked pretty, and I wondered if he was flirting with me. But now I'm not sure if he really knows I'm actually there. It's funny how you can be sitting there having a conversation with someone who is looking dead into your eyes and you get the feeling that they don't even see you. He's in band and I'm in colorguard and we had a game Friday. I got a friend of mine to tell him that he(the friend) knows somebody who likes him. You have no idea how good it feels just to have normal, every day teenage problems.
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