SamanthaAlexandra's Journal

Apr 2007
5:09 PM PST

I was looking at some pictures and I was reminded at how lucky I'm to have such a wonderful life.

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Apr 2007
8:40 AM PST

Luckily, all of my plans fell through today. While this usually would be quite upsetting, my body begs to differ. I can always feel myself getting sick and it used to be around the same time every year (mid January). But ever since I've been up in Sacramento, I seem to get hit with it once a month. Needless to say, I was happy it was pouring rain--otherwise, I wouldn't have left my room.

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Apr 2007
4:26 PM PST

Some say that they have their most intelligent conversations while in a tired state of mind, others claim to write better because they say exactly what's on their mind, regaurdless of how rediculous it is. So here goes. I've already said repeatedly my feelings on the matter, as if I believed it'll speed the process along. It doesn't. I've always known it doesn't but it's nice to think it does. I remember walking past a bed of flowers yesterday and they smelt so wonderful. It reminded me of how I imagine my Utopia to be like. I wanted to lay in them, in hopes for the scent to slip through the pores of my skin and settle in my blood stream so that I too can produce that fragrence naturally and allow my heart to pump it throughout my body. Chain of thoughts are so strange. How one can jump from one subject to another in a matter of seconds is incredible. If only my fingers could move that fast. If I could record my thoughts I really would. This past week had been so long, but so amazing. I was taught to have fun and actually feel again. Self-taught mind you. I really wish I wasn't so scared of the unknown. I would have been able to start feeling a long time ago.

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Mar 2007
12:10 PM PST

I didn't even get a break. My heart was constantly pounding from a mixture of nervousness and excitement. Every time he'd enter the room my stomach would get that feeling where you feel like your insides are falling out, much like when riding a wooden rollercoaster. It became evident how much I have been lying to myself over the past several months. Too bad I'm such a coward; otherwise, maybe something would happen. It's not so much the rejection that scares me, as it is the fear of loosing his friendship altogether. I hate being cliche and cheesy, but right now, that's all I've got.

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Mar 2007
2:12 PM PST

Six hours of driving alone can do a lot to a person. That's a hell of a lot of time to think. But it was comforting having Dane Cook accompaning me for the last hour.

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Mar 2007
4:13 PM PST

So this is what it feels like right before falling hard, I had forgotten. Only, it's not who I thought it would be for.

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Mar 2007
3:12 AM PST

I've tried so hard release my grasp but it's out of my control. Then please, be like sand and slip through my fingers and get washed out to sea or blown away by the wind. I used to love the warmth between and beneath my toes that the coast gave me, and now I can never view it the same way. Please make sure every last grain finds its way out of my life.

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Mar 2007
2:40 PM PST

Tonight was yet another choir concert. I love singing but I really hate singing in a choir. I even contimplated calling in sick so I wouldn't have to perform tonight but I already used that one to get out of some of the rehersals. As I sat on the floor of the beautiful church, I looked up then closed my eyes to hear nothing but the friendly reminder of why it is I will continue singing in the choir: to hear the men's choir for free. Holy fuck, they are amazing. If you are a male who can even relatively sing, just say the words and I am eternally yours.

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Mar 2007
2:47 PM PST

Everyday I see something ugly. But for every one thing I see ugly, I find two beautiful things around the corner. We're allowing this world we live in to get fucked up, but damn, it sure is pretty.

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Mar 2007
3:13 PM PST

I always have the most random things in common with people. It's amazing how on a day that I feel extremely physically unappealing, something or someone can make me feel like the most beautiful person on earth. This is the second time in the past six months that has happend. Unfortunately, I have a tendency of interpreting conversations wrongly, but please for now, let me be right. It's not everyday I get an ego boost.

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Feb 2007
9:35 AM PST

Things are getting better, A LOT better. I've been drawing lately. I forgot how good it felt to look at a sketch you created out of no school related obligation. M favorite of the week

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Feb 2007
10:34 PM PST

Life doesn’t always work out the way you like. Why? Because Life holds grudges against everyone. As soon as you fuck up, forget about it. Sometimes you’re screwed before you even know what Life is, that’s when it really sucks. It’s better if you just take the blows, suck it up, and keep pushing forward, right? Maybe if I can find a place, a small little Utopia for myself where no one can find me, everything will work out. That way I’ll have no one to come and throw a wrench in my plans and dreams. I wont have to worry about fucking "friends" spreading lies to make them look good at my expense. Yeah, yeah. Just for a little while, like a few years or something. If I conform to the habits like those of bears, I can learn how to eat a shit load and then hibernate all of winter so that the years go by even faster. That’ll work right? If you can hide from Hitler, Mom, murderers, and animals, you can hide from Life, right? Finding and amazing hiding spot in hide and seek was always one of my childhood fortes. So the hiding part, that’ll be easy. Unfortunately, I sucked at capture the flag so locating my Utopia might pose a slight problem. What the fuck am I saying? I only get five hours of sleep a night and I eat like an elephant. How the hell am I supposed to sleep for two straight months?

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Feb 2007
5:21 AM PST

At the drive-in yesterday, I looked passed the screen into the night sky. The stars were barely visible through the glare of the city lights. I hoped that the city would undergo a massive blackout so everyone could look up and see what it is they take for granted every night. I began to watch the movie and a while later I looked back up at the sky, now covered in a layer of clouds. All but one star was hidden. I'm not supersticious or religous or any of that crap but for the first time since I was like five, I made a wish on that one star. I didn't come true.

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Feb 2007
11:06 AM PST

Short of breath, heart pounding, and legs slowly losing their mobility. The tall, dry grass brushes the soft skin of my ankles with every step I take. My hair tosses in the summer breeze as the sundress lightly floats around my calves. The sun is setting and fills its sky with the most beatiful multitude of colors. I lay down to rest, taking in the smell of the fresh air and warmth of the paradisiac temperature. Serenity at its best. Perfect, carefree, and wholesome; aesthetic in every sense. I stare up at the sky as the soft cotton floats northward above me. I visit that place everyday, rain or shine. It's the one place I can escape to without interuption....so don't bother me.

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Feb 2007
3:05 PM PST

Today at work, a cute guy came in. Regular old blue jeans, weekend t- shirt, tan skin, on the lean side, hair not too short but short enough to not worry about any product. He didn't carry himself like a c***y hotshot but at the sametime, looked confident. He spoke to me in perfect english with a thick Italian accent. I barely could even focus on what he was saying. I smiled, made his drink, and thanked him. My eyes followed him as he left the store, knowing he'd never know what I thought of him and how I'd probably never see him again. All I did was watch him silently from afar. Story of my life.

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Feb 2007
2:46 PM PST

I was stressing crazy mad today. I thought of a boring yellow open field - I felt better. I want to go on a road trip. I know exactly where this open field is and I want to go.

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Feb 2007
1:55 PM PST

It's days like today that make me realize how much I take my family for granted. It also makes me realize how much I really do miss and love them. I hope it rains tomorrow.

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Feb 2007
2:23 AM PST

I just noticed the question of the day. What am I afraid of? The non avoidant truth that I may very well die lonely. There, that's the truth. It's not that I'm afraid to die alone, it's more the fact that I'm finally realizing I probably will.

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Feb 2007
2:20 AM PST

Sometimes, I like to lie on the ground and close my eyes to think of the big picture. Delete school from my mind, as well as family and friends, and forget about this corrupt world. I'll think of my past and what I semi plan for the future. It makes me want to lay there forever. On many occations, it temps me to drive somewhere, anywhere, and not tell anyone. Sometimes it's nice to disappear for a while or find yourself where nobody knows anything about you. Right now is one of those moments.

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Feb 2007
2:56 PM PST

Valentine's Day. What a waste of my life. Honestly, I would let a guy buy me flowers or chocolates or even just give me a huge hug or amazing kiss any fucking day he wanted. I'm not greedy and I refuse to be a sell out to another government holiday. Although, I'm not saying if someone dd that for me I would turn them away. This weekend is going to be monsterously busy. Between taking pictures, family time, homework, and work, I'm finding myself with no time for friends. but of course, this is me we're talking about-a) I don't have many friends anyway and b) I only need four hours of sleep to make it through the day :)

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SamanthaAlexandra's Profile

Username: SamanthaAlexandra

Gender / Age: Female, 36

Location: USA - California

SAMANTHAALEXANDRA's Interests:

About Me: Every angel is terrifying The drugs are a fabulation. Every wisp of smoke I inhale and exhale is a story formed from one breath to another. Take this train I'm on, for instance. It could suddenly lift from its rails and be taken to a desolate planet, a razed nothing where food and water is scarce. I wonder, then, who would make love to whom, who would be eaten first and by what method we would decide this sacrificial process. Or perhaps we'd all just be too hungry to think about it...

Interests: www.myspace.com/samanthaalexandra