Rei's Journal

May 2007
2:21 AM WST

el nuevo dia le jour nouveau a new day

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Apr 2007
6:12 AM WST

Maybe I'm cured of this obsession. Maybe, just maybe... However, I've known all my life that hating someone gives one enough adrenaline rush to actually do something. But you can't be proud of such a life. It's not a very fruitful life. It reminds me of those UP people who hate everything so much they end up sacrificing much of their education for such 'important' social concerns. Come on meriam. It's just like what sir dave said, seeing something in just one perspective. Alright, someone did something wrong--but that's not the end of it. I should live like the jesuits, or yoda for that matter. Foerever in peace with every spirit of the world... Actually, when I'm not in such a bangag stupor, I really think I have much to thank for. It's not the most ideal life, but at least I ended up here out of my own volition... Oh well. This sounds condescending ha... I think that the more I need someone the more I push them away. And the more I feel I have no need for them, the more I keep them in my life. Wala lang, parang ganon lang. Of course he's excempted from this rule. People come in and out of my life and I let them. I don't stop anyone. But those who stayed really made me happy. They stayed, so that must mean something. Right?

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Apr 2007
4:20 AM WST

Why should I be this sad? I'm so lonely... It's cold. Empty. I retreat into the inner world of fantasy and make-believe, because there I'm never alone. I've been warned. I've been warned many times. And like so many other times, it didn't matter. What will come of this in the end... has happened before. I never learn. Mark. What has happened to us? You will never need me. You'll never understand any of this. Nobody can anyway. Pathetic.

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Apr 2007
5:38 AM WST

depressing 3/19/07 06:44 pm Edit Entry Edit Tags Add to Memories Track This downright depressing. i'm not living my life the way i should have!!! i should not have stayed here in the philippines. i should have grabbed my dad's hand and went away with him. live in the u.k., fulfill my dreams. i shouldn't have stayed because there's nothing for me here. i only have about 40 years, 30 or 10 if i'm lucky, to live, and nothing makes any sense anymore. how's that. i'm in a state of perpetual moratorium. i jump from one thing to the next. i' crazy psychotic neurotic anxious badly-adjusted. no no no no i have to rewrite everything. first, i want to stop school. i want to savor my youth. ohgod mom's going to kill me if she found out i'm even remotely thinking of quitting school slash being an out-of-school youth. but i have to. if i don't i'm going insane. i just recently found out that my ex already got over me 'his soul mate'. oh yeah yeah i was the one who forgot him rather speedily (pun intended), but it feels weird. i don't give a damn, i'm just greedy. but so i want to travel. alright. i want to do this alone. i want to go atop a mountain and think about my life. no cracky quarter-life crisis. i just want to think. it's so noisy in this city. i used to love the lights and the smoke, but now they just drive me insane. i want the green grass, the clear sky, the sparkling stream. i want the deer and the birds and all the shebang. i want to go away, far far away, where nobody can find me. where hopefully, people who have known me will forget me, and i will forget them. i want to see the million stars. i want to count all the signs in the sky that i could identify. i want to sleep under the sheet of darkness. but how could i do that when i'm drowning under a pile of chemistry lab sheets, papers and papers of people more demented than i am? how could i live my life when I'M STUCK HERE!! ...i just have to breathe for awhile. i'm having a really bad panic attack. everything's going wrong. i'm on the brink of a psychotic breakdown. will i make it through, or will it happen again? i'm going a mile a minute here. i'm fucking crawling out of my skin. i have to leave. i have to do this. i can't allow myself to be like this... i can't be like this AGAIN... i used to love to read to write to watch my animes, now i don't feel anything when i do them. i have mounds of them in my closet, and i haven't finished a single series a single book a single story in a long long time. why, what is happening? am i still myself? or is she beckoning to me? telling me to... come... i'm sorry, so sorry i stayed because of love (again, from LJ, same day. I am THAT desperate...)

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Apr 2007
5:36 AM WST

please play the mandolin 3/19/07 05:46 pm Edit Entry Edit Tags Add to Memories Track This i have been known to be a very prolific writer of crap. crap crap, nothing but. i bullshit my way around a lot of things. take, for example, how i write my essays. thanks to years and years of reading (evident with my glasses) i know a lot of pretty useless words. these words i use to make my otherwise bullshitty essay into something of the opposite. heck, if i've known myself better, i could have sworn that the last time i liked what i wrote was when i was in second year high school. and so i wanted to bring some sort of semblance back into my writing. i join a literary org, hoping that i might get that feeling back. but no no i just made myself look entirely more like an arsehole. i could've kicked myself in the back. i don't belong there. with all the shitty talk about literary moguls and dramatic situations, hell i'm THE outsider. (before anyone reads differently into this, i am greatful for that org. it made me realize how completely mad i was from the very beginning.) nope, i'm not dashing my once wonderful dream of being a writer. it's just that-- i'm too stupid, too unstable. i miss my bestfriend. when we were in high school we used to laugh like hyenas about the stuff that we wrote; the crazy people, the insane plot. that was a joy. but now... now you have to worry about chasing your run-on sentences away; zapping that very obvious grammatically incorrect schmuck... oh lord oh lord please play the mandolin. please please. you can't get your plot wrong. you can't kill juliana just yet. because she has to live. she has to live long enough to hear that mandolin being played. (posted from my LJ account 2 weeks ago. i'm chucking that right about... now)

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Apr 2007
5:30 AM WST

Oh. Yeah. I'm not a concept. Don't assign me yours. I'm just a fucked up girl who's looking for her own peace of mind. Thanks Clementine. Oh and Kaufman

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Apr 2007
5:27 AM WST

Why did I even bother? I had to, otherwise I'd go mad. I think too much, frankly I drive myself crazy most of the time. It's my fault. i think my way to depression. Great enough for a psychology student. I'm in a friggin moratorium, my life is going nowhere. Argh, here I go again. God am so self-absorbed. I'm turning into these angsty teenagers in sweet valley senior year. Grr, obsessed with themselves and their boyfriends/ significant others. Ok, so I think about him all the time. But I'm not obsessed! No no! Whatever. This psychobabble is driving me nuts. The point is, I started this journal as a catharsis for my never-ending search for... peace. I'm not writing this for anyone, (but well, one person is allowed t read this), so if some psycho comes here asking for bullshit he'll get a lot. Hell, I just wish biatch would read this. If she's lucky, we'll both know how much we dislike each other without the drama. Evilness. Anyway ANYWAY, i'm bummed. Trala

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Apr 2007
5:05 AM WST

After more than a week, i finally got to hug him again, feel him again. It feels... surreal... Okaay, enough with the mushy crap. I was terribly happy to see the bastard... haha forgive the term. I was ECSTATIC to see him God when I saw his smiling face... ahem.. But that ended when I felt his stubbly chin on my face. Eek. Mark wants to look mature so he grew a beard. Right. Although I must admit he looked cute, stubbly chins on my face are a no-no thank you very much. But Mark... Marky. Your arms feel like home.

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Apr 2007
6:54 AM WST

Gosh, that felt good. I'm calling it a night.

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Apr 2007
6:53 AM WST

I don't like her. Alright alright I'm really laying this real thin. I despise her ass! What a manipulative bitch... I can see right through her. All her friends are like dummies, subject to her "hindeeee" and "think of it this way..." God I just puked in my mouth. Lord, why are there people like that? I mean come on girl, get a life. I have friends, but I never ever tell them what to do. By hell, I'm just there, never assuming that I'm smarter than them so I get to call the shots about their lives. I'm a friend when they fall, before they do IT, but they make the decision to do IT on their own, otherwise I'm making a crap out of their spines and free wills. She... well I'm seething here. I know she doesn't like me and to hell with that neither do I. But does she have to tell Mark to hate on me too? How low can you go... how ultimately positively low. .. I'm not standing around here waiting for her to exercise her magical manipulation on Mark. Although he already knows it too, and sees her for what she really is... Nope I'm going to whip her ass, and unlike her, I won't do it underhandedly. When I move my pieces, I'll do it with a bang and make sure she knows she's checkmate. Man I hate her guts... And those pimples and rolls of fat... Okay I'm getting all too personal here. She doesn't know me, I don't know her. Just get the fuck away from us and stop being our phony friend. UGH. Just thinking of her and friend in the same breath makes me want to throw up already... Jessica. Please drop the shit okay. Bye

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Apr 2007
6:44 AM WST

Okay, I can't stop typing. Marky and I semi-made up. God I'm so immature. I mean he's so immature. Yeah yeah. We texted each other about stupid things like how i found a starfish and how he watched some reruns of this series. Thats that. We're ok. Anyway, we went to zoobic safari today. AGAIN i made E.J.s life hell by threatening to feed him now to the tigers, otters, rodents and goats. Ooooks. I'm studying psychology and I know how much this would affect his internal working model of relationships but WHAT the hell. He knows his ate would die for him if an undertow drags him to the sea floor. Okay, he almost murdered me when I dangled his giraffe stuffy in the croc pond... Haha. The trip was fun. Watching tigers eat like there's no tomorrow is my idea of entertainment on a normak basis. George, the alpha male tiger, also kept walking around the enclosure where our flimsy tour jeep was parked and the guide said he was biding his time to piss on us and mark us as his territory. Great. We had our pictures taken with his really cute cub, who's bigger than me, weighed twice as me, and who's only six months old. Yeap, I fed the baby with a bottle while gasping for breath under his heavy butt (ok im exaggerrating). But yeah, I had to carry him for the picture, ol' jackie. He's so soft and furry, I almost took him home with me. If only I can fit him in my lola's bayong.

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Apr 2007
6:33 AM WST

Just to set the record straight. My last entry was supposed to be on April 7 and not on the 9th! damn Anyway, I want to talk about my vacation. Our clan drove all the way out to bicol to island hop (again), bathe in the cool blue green waters of our once privately owned island (no jokes), eat, sleep, and eat. Five days of driving around town visiting lolos and lolas and uncles and tiyas and cousins and strangers... hahaha. We went to carolinas to cook ourselves in a 39 degree pool in the middle of mount isarog, trekked up some unknown mountain, then swam in anice cold river. Fun fun fun. All the while I was busy making my bunso cousin's life hell. Hey, it's a tradition. When I was that young my brothers were busy making my life hell (well, not reaaally). It's something you have to get past at to grow up. My poor baby cousin. I threatened to feed his pututoy tpo the sharks while we were in the middle of an extremely nerve-wracking ride in a teensie boat in the middle of the sea. In fairness, natakot din ako sa mga alon na yun! Oh, and I almost drowned. Nah. For a second there... My other cousin debbie and I were fooling around with a dead fish when this undertow suddenly pulled her under. My god the girl doesn't know how to swim, and she weighed 20 pounds more than me! The people around me were busy fooling around themselves that didn't see my stab at heroic-ness by plunging underwater (islands are weird-- from 4 feet of water we were suddenly drowning in 8 feet) and pushing, take not pushing not pulling, my cousin back to that 4 feet strip of sand. I thought for a second I was going to be pulled by the undertow myself but lo and behold, we both survived. We both collapsed on the pristine white sand, heaving, and all the while people around us where wondering where the hell did that dead swordfish go nuff said

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Apr 2007
6:14 AM WST

Alright, it's offical. I haven't seen Mark for more than a week, and I almost haven't talked to him for 48 hours because of a freakin argument about me calling his mother... Hmn not exactly but I can't remember the real reason... The good news is he's texted me and told me HE'S fine. The downside is, I DON'T feel fine. I'm hundreds of miles away from him, and I miss him... Ok, this entry is lame, and I'm signing off.

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Mar 2007
8:56 PM WST

I hate the word pathetic. And I just recently found out that I can't write anything worth a dime during the day. When night comes, when my brain's supposed to be relaxing its effing alpha waves, that's when I go haywire. I can't sleep. My brain thinks a mile a second. And that's when I talk about everything. Everything I've ever suppressed during the day comes bubbling up to the surface, exploding in this cataclysmic jumble of words that sometimes make sense, but most times do not. I think of school, my future, my friends/enemies, my boyfriend, that b*tch whom I hate so much (so much so that I'm going to write a set of entries especially about her), EVERYTHING. And I feel disturbed. The night does that. Suddenly everything seems magnified by a thousand paces, and a single word resounds evilly inside my head over and over again. M

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Mar 2007
8:46 PM WST

I'm a pretty serious kid.

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Rei's Profile

Username: Rei

Gender / Age: Female, 36

Location: Philippines

REI's Interests:

Favorite Movies: eternal sunshine of the spotless mind, closer, ocean's, etc etc add foreign films to the bunch

Favorite Television: wtf??

Favorite Books: god of small things... i'll add the rest whem i'm not so *&%$#ng high anymore