MsErin's Journal

Feb 2007
2:08 AM PST

Fucking piece of crap site lost my entry!

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1 comment(s) - 01:55 AM - 02/27/2007

Feb 2007
2:11 PM PST

It's nice to think your opinion matters, isn't it? But then of course, it's devastating when you realize that everyone has just been pissing in your ear. That someone is teling you one thing, and the second you turn around, they say what they really mean. It's only a matter of time before one realizes that they either can't bare to be ignored anymore. Then again, there is always the possibility that my spirit will finally be broken, and I won't know what my opinion is anymore. Or else I will care even less than everyone else. The quote by Raymond Hull, that says "He who trims himself to suit everyone will soon whittle himself away." could not have proven more true. Here I am, nothing

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Dec 2006
11:40 AM PST

Welcome to round 2. So, since the second I found out I was pregnant again, I've been doing my very best to pretend that this is not the same fucking crap all over again. However, with each little thing this asshole does, it becomes painfully obvious that I have just stepped right in it again. All I need now is for him to get mad and go out drinking and we have Paddy in a nut shell. I have a bit of a pattern forming. First everything is great, so we get pregnant. Then I get beat up. Then he swears off alcohal. (That's the part we're at right now). And then we get in a fight and he goes out and gets shit-faced. The part after that isn't bad, I have a baby and absorb my life with being a mom and don't even notice that I live with a prick. Then once the baby is a year old, my mind clears a bit and I realize that this is dumb. So, the question is: Do I leave now? Or do I just do the whole cycle? Or (here's my new idea) do i push this farther and get married? (which guarantees that I get something out of it this time) Since I am in no position to go anywhere right now, and I already tried the second option, that leaves me with getting married. Dum dum dum-dum. Yes, it is. Anyways, the douche is back, later.

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Dec 2006
3:48 AM PST

Another of my concerns. My medical coverage got screwed up the day before I found out I was pregnant. So, I haven't been to see a doctor yet. This is my second pregnancy and I feel that everything is okay, but how can I really know. So now the question is, do I risk it and wait til my medical kicks in (which could take up to a month) or do I go to the doctor and put us further into debt at a time we definately can't afford it? I'm thinking debt is the only way to go. I can't not see a doctor. What if something is wrong and I don't catch it early enough? Or what if my Leep procedure gave me an incompetent cervix and my baby falls out in a few weeks? Or what if my Rh antibodies try and destroy my baby before I get in for a shot? Definately need to go to the doctor. And how much stress is too much stress? Cuz I been ripping my hair out all week. I find that several times a day, I need to lock myself in the bathroom and talk my heartrate down. Ahhhh!

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Dec 2006
3:41 AM PST

Here I am, 6 weeks pregnant. Both my husband and I are ecstatic. This is my second pregnancy and I'm showing extremely early. I look to be about 4 months along already. We've decided to keep things under our hat until after Christmas. Here is where I'm having a problem. Originally, it was my idea not to tell anyone yet, but I had no idea I'd be showing so much. So, now I'm finding that I have nothing I can wear that covers my protruding bulge, I'm already living in my husbands sweatshirts. And here comes the season of Christmas parties and family get-togethers. Now I have to go to these things, completely exhausted, not having any fun, in a potato sack. I feel like I'm having to hide something I would like to be bragging about. This is wonderful news, I wanna share it with the world. And i don't like people thinking I've just turned into constable fun wrecker. Tonight, I have my husbands work Christmas party and my brothers birthday party. Normally, this would be one hell of a night, but instead I'm gonna be dragging my drunk husband out of a party and everyone is gonna think it's cuz I'm just no fun. My husband doesn't seem to understand how tired I am right now. I don't wanna be out, watching him drink til the early hours of the morning. Sigh. What i thought was going to be a most joyous time, has left me feeling isolated and misunderstood. All i want is some peace and quiet right now. My idea of the perfect night is no longer going to the bar, I want to go to bed at 9pm with a huge plate of fried chicken, lol. And if I am to go out, I would like to be able to explain to people that I'm worn out for legitimate reasons and I'm not just pissing on the parade when I decide to cut out at 10. Am I ever glad I found this journal.

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MsErin's Profile

Username: MsErin

Gender / Age: Female, 44

Location: Canada