Imperfection's Journal

Mar 2010
2:49 PM EDT

Nothing.

Dear Journal,

� It's been 2 days since mike died..The pain has worn out a little bit but, now�all i feel is emptyness and nothing. The hurt has gone away and now transformed into nothing. My body feels numb and i feel so weird. I know i shouldnt be mad at him but, i am so upset. I may not feel it now, but i know that inside im hurt and angry at him for causing me this much pain. Knowing hes gone is just so hard to put into my head i feel as if hes somehow here with us but, i know hes not. Today, was absolutely horrible. As i walked into school i realized i would never see him again. I kept looking back in the hallways to see if he was there but that was just be being insane. I walked into my fourth period class and my friend came in hysterical and my other friend was crying too. I wondered why i didnt cry? I guess i dont feel the pain anymore. I would rather feel nothing then pain. I've always been emotionless, but this has triggered me to become more emotionless. I was looking at his screename last night and the last away message i saw was 'getting my jewberry, i love my twinsieeeeeee' God, how i remember him so well. My friend found a video of him and i on her phone and she showed me and i had to look away, i need to forget everything. Im afraid but i dont know why? I guess that things like this always happen. Know i feel as if im afraid to get close to someone to avoid the pain of when theyre gone forever. Not being able to hug someone you care about deeply is just..horrible. The pain is seeping into my chest but i need to stop. The world will change one day, but not in my lifetime. I know that for a fact.

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Mar 2010
12:33 PM EDT

Death?

Dear Journal,

�Yesterday, my friend mike died..Oh god its so hard for me to write this because i thought i would never say it ever in my life..He commited suicide. This hurts so bad the pain is like a huge truck bashing you 100 times. Theres like a hole in my chest and he was my friend. Its weird you know? Knowing that you will never see someone ever again? Their linger and smell, their smile, and the way they joked. It stays in your mind forever. I wish i had a neetle that could give me amnesia and take away the pain. I used to help him all the time, one time he called me at 2 in the morning so i could comfort him. It hurts to know i will never hear his voice again and to see him smiling. The way he used to play around with me and laugh at me. I feel so guilty because when he needed me most i wasnt there. His girlfriend cheated on him..He said that he was fine when i shouldve known he wasnt. I met him in the summer and ever since then we became close. Its so unreal how you could lose someone in a matter of seconds. I hope that this sadness and pain thats overwhelming me right now will go away..I will never forget him and today i went by the traintracks and dropped a flower down where the remainder of his blood was. Life is so cruel, i wish that everyone was happy and we could all live in harmony but, i know that will never happen ever. The world is filled with hate and pain all day everyday. I cant talk to people, the tears just come back. After everything i went through last year this really wow. i would do last year 142353476 times over to save mikes life. I have a picture of him in my phone that i set as his caller i.d and looking at it today i just couldnt believe my eyes. Mourning was everywhere as i walked into fourth period late, i saw all of the guidance counselours standing and talking.�I stood there looking at his seat and i tried so hard to prevent the tears from coming out but, i couldnt. Half the class was already hysterical i just i feel so sad..I miss him and if i could do anything to bring him back or at least say goodbye to him i would do anything. When i dream i hope hes there smiling at me. Oh god, it hurts. These uncontrollable tears keep pouring out and i just cant find myself to accept hes gone. I just wish it was a joke and he was kidding!! But no, its not and that just kills me. Im wearing his ring right now, on a chain around my neck. I remember when he gave it to me, oh no he actually threw it at me and he told me it was a christmas present. When i saw his girlfriend wearing his hat and wrist band i wish that it was him. I wanted to smell it and remember him. Another memory that pops up is when i dated victor and he picked me up and he by accident cut my leg. I wish i was a fortune teller, i would've saved him in a heart beat. Oh god, please send mike into heaven so, when my life is done i could rejoin with him. I dont know how much i can take before i crack. I wish i was a little girl again, oh those great days when i didnt even know what death was.

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Imperfection's Profile

Username: Imperfection

Gender / Age: Female, 29

Location: USA - New York