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Isabbel4 30, Female, California, USA - 4 entries

May 2015
1:19 AM PST

When i first started talking to you, i didnt see it as anything but a temporary fling. It seemed like it was going to be one of those acquintances you make with a person, but usually do not last more then a few week, perhaps less.�
Im not very sure what it was about you, what led me to continue answering to those messages you would send me over such a cliche website. The real leap, i suppose, was when i actually gave you my phone number. Out of all those attention seeking messages, i chose you. This truley angers me, it tears me apart from the deepest part of my soul. It aches. The reason for this is simple, it is because it hurts to see how full of joy i was when i first met you. It angers me how i chose you to be that human in which i was finally going to decide to invest my time and emotions in.�
I wonder if you knew how broken I was, did you even bother to get to know the things that almost broke me down? How could you have possiby cured and healed such scars if you couldnt have possibly bothered to even identify which of those scars where deep and which were temporary. I wonder if you even noticed that i put all the prejudice i had against men, aside for you? How i forced myself to build up courage and open up to you.
I hate how clueless you are about how much i expressed my love for you. I cant conceive how i actually told the world how much you meant to me and above all how i made you look like a daym saint. I fed you, not only with small snacks, no i fed you with warmth and loyalty. I drowned you in kisses and gentle embraces. I was there through thick and thin, whenever you needed me. I stayed up long nights making sure you were okay always with the hope that you would surprise me and choose to come see me instead of tinting your lips with liquor.�
I hate that even now when i feel like im building the momentum i need to let you go, you still manage to bring tears down my cheeks. Matter fact, it makes it worse that the very first time you thought you made me cry, you rushed without thinking it and held me and repeated how it was not okay for you to bring tears down my cheeks. There is no single moment, phrase, word, or letter that doesnt atomatically trigger my brain to remember that amazing smile of yours. How continuing to write this about you has become one of the hardest tasks of my life. It burns, but i need to do this for myself, i need to fall, cry, vent...learn, grow, leave.�

Tags: growth, love

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