Ever wish you could go back and change something you have done?? Not just something stupid like saying a bad word or breaking up with someone, but making a life changing decission!!!! something that didnt meet your exspectations and in the heat of the moment you just blew it??? �well in this case the answer is........ yes and NO!!! i have done something i cant take back! you may one day find the someone you love and cant live without and just get caught up in the moment, or have a big exspectation that is totally overlooked and not met in the slitest way!� well in this case i had the biggest exspectaion of how i wanted something to be and it didnt even come close.... after this exsperiance i feel like im not good enough, but who knows?? All i know is that in no way,shape,or form may i ever take back what has been done..... Yeah there is that special person in my life who means everything to me, but i just feel like im not good enough for him!!! �� Today on wednesday july 23,2008 i lost my v-card and in some ways i wish i could take it back.... i did it with the Person i LOVE and i didnt have any exspectations, but i feel like it was not the way it was supposed to be... i couldnt keep him satisfied and everything just back fired! i got really upset with myself and i started crying he appologised to me like a billion times for not being able to hold it!! i felt so bad, (he said i was to small.. or was it just that he was to big??) that is besides the point... i lost something that i can never get back and it just didnt feel special in anyway!� after awhile of me being mad at myself, i finally got up off the bed and headed for the door " im getting in the shower, and you better be gone when i come back" is what i said when i left the room.. i thought for sure he would listen and just leave me alone, well i was wrong...... i made it to the bathroom and locked the door behind me before i broke into tears, and then i heard a knock on the door "are you ok? please talk to me" he stood at the door and waited for me to answer but all i could do was think about what i had just done! the room felt like it was spinning and and i felt like i was in a room with no air.. just then the door unlocked, cuz he jamed it and got it open... i couldnt even look at him, everything just felt so wrong.. all i wanted to do was go to sleep and go back to that morning and relive the day so that i could rethink my decission............." YES it is what i wanted, just not that way.." i told him.� He told me he was sorry and i told him to just leave me alone and we would just talk when i was done.� when i got out of the shower and went back to the room to change, he was still there.(he was sitting on the couch, with a really seriouse look on his face!!) i couldbarely look at him. i put clothes on and put my head down on top of my dresser as i stood wondering what to do... well i about passed out and he caught me before i fell.. i grabbed onto him as if i was dying! he scooped me up with one arm under my legs and one under my upper body and carried me over to my bed and layed me down, it was hard for me to breath so he propped my head up and just kept talking to me.. "i LOVE you baby, and i am sorry it wasnt what you had exspected...it is not your fault in any way" i couldnt help but think that i had ruined everything... he just looked at me and said " even though it wasnt everything you wanted, it was still special." i had no idea what he ment... " you gave me someting that was very special to you and i want you to know it ment everything to me.." he then got up and went over to my dresser and picked something up... It was the gold neclace that he always wears and i have never seen him take it off!! he came back over to me and told me that he wanted me to have it. "You gave me your something special and i want you to have this, it means alot to me." i told him that i couldnt take it and that he needed to keep it.. finally i gave in and he had me sit up and he put it around my neck and clipped the clasp toghether... right after that he engulfed me in a Hug that almost took my breath away and he started to cry... i didnt understand at the moment, but he felt so bad for not making it special for me.. as we hugged i rubbed his back and said "it is not your fault these things happen, we cant change that." "dont cry, there will be a next time" we just lay there in eachothers arm in silence... ���� I will never forget this day, and how it really brought us closer together.. we have talked about this is what we both wanted it.... (not the part where it didnt work) we wanted to be closer and make LOVE.. this exsperiance is something you share with someone special and today it didnt seem like that.! it was supposed to be us amking love and being passionate, rather than just having sex!!!!! In some ways i wish i could take it back and start over, but in others i dont,because this exsperiance really brought the two of us alot closer together. I am now sitting here thinking about what happened while wearing the gold neclace and really hoping things workout...Things happen and there is a silver lining to everything because there is a reason for everything!!! ������������������������������������������������������������������������ Destiney walls ����������������������������������������������������������������������������������� Wednesday 7-23-08
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