If you will forgive the melodrama, today was the beginning of the end.
We had a Course Options session today after school. There were two categories: Arts and Sciences & Languages. For Arts, I chose Band (of course). But for Sciences & Languages, I watched my future slip away as my mother circled the only science option. No languages or fun courses for me. No, Anna, stick to the doctorates. That's all you're good for.
Grrrr. Life sucks.
I want to read.
So I will go read.
I am too pessimistic to form a thought related to something mildly happy, so I will save the recommendation for another day.
~Annabel
Back again...
I just got back from my friend Malaea's sleepover birthday party. It was pretty fun. All my good friends from school were there. Charlotte pretty well went NuTs every time someone said the name "Edward" and started rocking back and forth and stuff because he isn't real. (Twilighters know what I'm talking about) She was close to tears.�It was slightly scary. That someone can be that obsessed.... Don't misunderstand me. I am obsessed as well. I just have more practice at hiding it (and all subsequent emotions). While all of them watched the Alien movies, I went downstairs and read. Sorry to inform you, but�I cannot and WILL not do science fiction. Never. I just can't watch it. It reduces me to tears, it scares me so much. Other than that, though, it was great. My friends were all in good spirits and as strange as ever.
Besides that, I got a chance to notice how absurd they all are. Don't get me wrong, they're all great people and I like them a lot. They're just so--forgive me for seeming like I think I'm better than them-- immature. It's incredible. We went out for supper to a buffet, and one of my friends (Mara) and I had to beg them, "Please, PLEASE don't fight or punch each other or talk about sex in loud voices." It's embarrassing. And I like them all, they're great people, just sometimes it's frustrating because... well. At times I find their antics very inane. I know I sound stuck up or whatever, but really. We're just very different, I guess. I would not be able to talk world news with a single one of them. (Well, maybe Mara, because she claims she listens to the news and reads the paper) Of course, you would hardly expect world news to be a topic at a 15-year-old girl's birthday party. But I can't help feeling so separate from them.
I have been feeling older than I really am lately. I don't know why. I've been feeling like I'm in my twenties or something... I don't know if that's good or bad, but it's pretty strange. I get a kind of jolt when I realise that I'm still 15.
Life's hard.
Suggestion of the day: Streetcorner Symphony, by Rob Thomas. Good song. He usually has good songs, so check out his other stuff if you want.
I'm going to go now. I have a ridiculous amount of homework that I can't get away with not doing.
Hello there,
No news. Biology test today. Most likely failed. Who needs to know the reflex arc anyways? Sadist teacher. Enjoys our pain.
Short sentences. Don't ask.
*Sigh*. Nothing really to say. Just killing time before something more pressing comes along, ie, the Bio oral due last Tuesday. Sorry, Mme. T. Too bad. I am pretty sure that I will never be in a situation where the active ingredient in Dimetapp will be necessary information (short of a murderer sticking a knife at my throat and saying, "What's the main component in most cold medicines, or else...."). *DARN! THERE IS NO EXASPERATED SMILEY!* Oh well.
OH YES, guess what's coming back on tonight?! LOST!!!!! OH NO!!!! Ahahahaha, I'm so excited. My friend Lindsay is in complete denial--she's convinced Rousseau is alive after being shot in the chest. Multiple times. I mean, I'm completely devastated, but I know she's dead. Ah well. We will see.
We had an "Alcoholism" talk today. It was interesting, but I was inattentive. I don't know why I'm so restless these days. Hopefully I won't do something stupid. Pray for me�.
Well, I am going to go psych myself up for Lost. Ahhhh!
And since it's been a while, I will recommend.... a song. Beverly Hills, by Weezer. Ahaha, I love it. Check it out if you want.
Until the next time I remember I have an account here,
I GOT�ECLIPSE! AND I FINISHED IT!
Ok, ok, I will shut up now. I am obsessed, I'm sad to say. Funny story about that.... I was in English class and we were�reading�Romeo and Juliet (which I have already read. Twice.) Having acquired Eclipse only the day before, I sat with my copy of R+J on my lap with Eclipse inside it. And I read. Non-stop. The entire class. I think my teacher noticed (I wasn't really concerned about being caught. I just wanted to read.) but didn't say anything. Maybe she thought I was thoroughly entranced by Shakespeare. Don't get me wrong, I think Shakespeare is a genius, but I had other things on my mind (I was at the part where, if you have read it, Jasper is explaining his history... interesting stuff, that�). So I was there, reading, when I hear my teacher calling, "All right, who wants to be Romeo? Ok, you, Lesley. And who wants to be Juliet? How about.... WAIT." And I look up to see her staring at me and Charlotte, who's next to me doing the exact same thing as I am. "Look at those badasses!" my teacher said. "The quiet ones are always the rebels!" Char and I DIED laughing. We knew she wasn't really mad at us (a little frustrated maybe, but not mad. I mean, what kind of english teacher would be mad at students who are reading?). Although, she DID swear to us that next class we would have to do pretty well all the parts and NOT do some closet, under-the-desk reading. And we did. We suffered in silence and did as we were told. However, I consider this sufficient penance and will resume reading under the desk next class.
I have discovered something that is slightly ridiculous, but nonetheless helpful in many ways. When I read, I am usually completely and utterly absorbed by whichever book I am reading. Even when I stop, the book is usually on my mind (which makes it very difficult to have a coherent conversation with me). So, naturally, everyone assumes that when I read, I am transported spiritually to the book. Which is true. But I have a truly uncanny knack of managing to snap out of my literature-induced stupor in time to hear important information. For example, I will be reading, and suddenly I won't be at Hogwarts, in Middle Earth, on the HMS Dolphin, or in Tira or Bayern. Or even in Forks. I will resurface in time to hear my name in whatever conversation being carried on in my vicinity. Sometimes it's not my name. Other times it is information that I parents would have rather not told me. Other times it is family secrets or people's opinions or the news. I must have some "strange thing" receptor somewhere in my head, because otherwise.... Well. And when I do snap out of it, I don't jump or stretch of yawn. I continue pretending to read, because people will disclose so much more if they think they aren't being eavesdropped on. Which is, I am ashamed to say, what it boils down to.
Don't blame me. I don't ask to hear these things, and I am too curious to draw attention to myself so that they stop in time. Too bad for them.
I'll be back later. I need an opinion or two on an english project...
The story of my life, isn't it?
Sigh. Homework all around. Want some?
And I STILL DON'T HAVE ECLISPE. Grr.
Frustrating, frustrating.
I have nothing to say except for IF YOU HAPPEN TO HAVE TO BOOK ECLIPSE, WOULD YOU POSSIBLY CONSIDER TELEPORTING IT TO ME?!
WHY AM I CURSED BY TEACHERS WHO REJOICE IN GIVING US PROJECT UPON PROJECT UPON MORE TEDIOUS HOMEWORK?!
Ah. That felt nice.
Normal day at school. My math marks aren't helping me achieve my goal of NOT going into sciences (I curse you, math test.). I won't NOT try to do my best, but the fact that I'm good at it seriously inhibits my ability to choose a career path that appeals to me. Grr. That frustrates me.
Obsessions also frustrate me. Which means, I frustrate myself. Grr. I want to smack myself over the head for being�obsessed... which is slightly warped. That's ok, though. �I hate dependency on something or someone. That's why I'm so eager to move out. Just as soon as I can get a job to support myself and have a roommate... ah. I can't wait.
I get the feeling that I'm frustrated with pretty well everything today. I also won't be able to get my hands on Eclipse for a while. MORE FRUSTRATION!
Sigh. I must get back to projects now. Hmm. Recommendation for the day... For books, how about Bloody Jack (+ all sequels) by L. A. Meyer. Historical fiction--great books.
Well, adieu, mes amis. Nous nous verrons.
I guess I did, didn't I?
I didn't write yesterday due to the obscene amount of work I had to do for school. That didn't stop me, however, from starting and finishing a 563 page book. It was a good one.
And now I must address an issue that has been bugging me a little the last few days. It's about Twilight (I swear I'm not obsessed. Honestly.). This will sound ridiculous. I am aware of that. That's ok, though. Well. You see.... Hmm. I don't quite know how to start. Several of my friends and very many people in the student body have read Twilight. They all seem to have one thing in common--They all. Love. Edward. To a ridiculous degree. I understand to a point. I mean, in the book, he is virtually flawless. A guy most girls wouldn't pretend to fantasize about even in their wildest dreams. That is all right, I guess. But--and this is the big thing--more than one of them seem to think that he exists. And is indeed watching them as they sleep (creepy, eh? It's awesome�). I would be among them. I really would. Rewind a few months and I would be discussing how I swear I saw a shadow outside my window this morning. But now... I don't know why it bothers me so much. I was planning on writing this whole long paragraph on how immature they all are, but then I realised... If I let myself, I would be doing the exact same thing as them. Obsessing, I mean. It's kind of as if the person I'm going to be as an adult has started appearing and is trying to elbow the person I was as a kid out of the way. Since I act (as of right now) predominantly with the child side, it makes life very hard to have an uncaring adult inside you, whispering "That isn't possible. Stop acting so immature and start being a Big Girl." It hurts a lot sometimes, because a lot of the time I really do wish for all the stuff I did when I was little (spells, princes, all manner of magical creatures. All kinds, always. I loved them all.), and that sets up a huge conflict with what people expect a 15-year-old to want.
I will continue to write later. One last thing, though. I am listening to just about the sweetest song ever. It's called Lullabye (Goodnight, My Angel) by Billy Joel. That's my recommendation for the day. LOVE BILLY JOEL!
Meu Deus. How horrible-I fell asleep at 11 (which is the equivalent of 3 am for any normal person) and then woke up at 6. Fell asleep reading. Woke up and picked up the book and started again.
I finished the book, last night.�Not bad, but not good enough to throw myself off a cliff after, as some of the girls in my class seem to think. Remind me to thank a helpful girl whose name will, for my purposes, be Emily, who managed to wrench my hands off the copy of the book that belongs to the school library (and, I might add, was not borrowed in my name). Emily (lovely girl that she is) saw my despair at having the book (any book) taken from me when I had already started it, and lent me her copy. THANK YOU! Not that you ever will see this, much less know it was me, but since I didn't have much time to thank you then....
Lovely and rainy. I loooooove the rain. I really needed it. No, I am not depressed. Maybe depressING, a little ; ), but not depressed. I love, love, love the rain. It is so peaceful, and peace is as necessary for me as food or sleep or books. I am by no means an extrovert.
Well, I am going to go now. Chores, chores, chores, homework, PROJECTS, reading, reading, reading, reading, reading, chores. So much to do.
Book suggestion of the day: Goose Girl and sequels, by Shannon Hale. YA fiction/fantasy. Enjoy!
I have been in a high state of excitement pretty well all day.
Not only are there multiple books and movies made out of books that I am highly anticipating, but my friend will drop off the sequel to Twilight sometime tomorrow. Hopefully late in the day, because otherwise it will be impossible for me to resist reading. It's this way for nearly any sequel to any book I've read. Sigh.
So, for anyone who cares about this (the equivalent of no one�), here are the books/ movies I am waiting for. In no particular order (b=book, m=movie):
Aha! There is my lust list. All highly anticipated, and some not coming until next year :(. Ah well. Patience is key.
If only I had the slightest bit of it.
Oh, wow.
Guess what day it was at school today, after my prolonged rant about my work-related�predicament? Career day! Hooray for missing all morning classes! Some of the presentations were really good. Interesting, all of it. There was an authour there too! I went up to her and talked to her for�a while about writing. She was very nice. I have decided that I will write, no matter whether my parents support me or not. Clearly I will have a job on the side, but I will write as well.
Due to immensely intense stress caused by peer pressure, I have started (and nearly finished) reading Twilight. Don't know if you've heard of it, but�I won't explain it here. It's ok, I guess, for a romance. A bit overdone at times, but I will finish it (unless the book is unfit for anything but recycling, I find it tasteless to either A) not finish a book, or B) read the ending first.). My tolerance for romance is rather low, but besides that it is a pretty good story. Of course, the romance is pretty well the main theme, but I try to ignore it.
This entry will be relatively short so that I can finish the book and thus shut Charlotte up
Back now. Pathetic supper, though.
Aha. Back to my absolutely horrible day. First off I had Bio and French. Is that even allowed??? Ghastly. My bio teacher hates us all. Not that I blame her. Everyone hates us. Last year the graduating class nearly killed us, the found us so annoying. It's not me and my friends. We're not saints, but we really are the better behaved students. Not bragging. It's true. One teacher once told our class at large that we made her reconsider her teaching job. High praise, no? It makes being a part of our class very interesting. Next we had Band (we did nothing, and I wasn't allowed to sleep), History (kill me NOW) and Gym (at least we're doing pyramids, and not something that requires real work). And then there was a bunch of minor things, which I won't bother putting down here. I have a slightly bigger issue on my mind.
What has been bugging me a lot, a LOT lately is that my parents pressure me. A lot. It would be funny, but... it's NOT. There was the going to school thing. They know and I know that I have never had good stamina and a fairly weak immune system. The fact that I�got mono two�years ago and relapsed a few months later due to stress should say something. I acknowledge the fact that I have missed about... 7, 8 days due to illness this year. But I am having a HELL of a time going in to school sick. Ok, ok. I am complaining now and I know it. I will stop complaining-about being sick.
My parents. When I was little, I would be able to say without lying, sucking up, or hesitation that I loved them and that I would do practically anything they asked me to. Now it is nearly the complete opposite. The pressure is on, girl, and if you land a job anything short of a doctorate in SOMETHING, then you�will become nothing short of a pariah. I will be the one that people shake their heads over at family reunions (*cough cough GOSSIPFEST! cough cough*. Jeez, this cold just won't shake.). They will mourn in quiet voices the loss of my fine potential. AND I HATE IT. I don't want a doctorate in anything. Well, I wouldn't MIND being a pediatrician. But that is not by far my first choice. My first choice is a writer. Reading and writing are my life. Here's the catch: never, ever ever ever in a hundred thousand aeons would my parents even consider PRETENDING to let me be one. Why, they figure, would they pay much, MUCH money a year for private school if their shining star�wouldn't even get paid more than the average person with welfare?
I understand that, but only to a point. It is MY freaking life and I refuse to be chained to a profession that does not interest me. I already have their opinions of people who go into some form of writing as their major at university or otherwise. Once my brother Samuel told them of a friend of his who was going into that, and they looked at each other and said, "That is such a shame. He's such a smart boy." Another time, we were discussing what my brothers and I wanted to be when we grew up. Samuel said an engineer. My little brother David said something to do with computers. I said (foolishly) an authour. Oh, Meu Deus. Of all the things I could have said that would have been "safe," I chose the one that would win me the LOOKS. All of them looked at me as though I had said that my fiercest desire was to move to Antarctica with a seventy-year-old hermit to study penguin mating rituals. My mother said, "You're joking, right?" and in order to avoid serious trouble, I said "Of course!" and everyone had a good laugh at my expense. At least I'm good for something. But my mom turned to me and said something along the lines of "You're too smart to be an authour. You have so much potential. Only strange people become authours." Little does she know how strange I am. Those have ot been the first disparaging comments made about authours from my parents' mouths. I will not repeat more of them here. Just let it be known that right now, I am writing a book and screw them if they don't want me to.
And what's worse, as I have mentioned before, I am my parent's star performer. It's horrible. I have two brothers, both of whom are perfectly capable of doing�perfectly well in school. Due to the fact that they don't try at ALL, their marks are lower than mine. It is not that my parents have given up on them. It is just that they expect me to be the "successful" one of the children. Once, my older brother's average went from a 70 to a 75, I believe. They practically held a party. Good show, Sam! Keep up the good work! I, on the other hand, returned from school with a report card that stated that my overall average had dropped a half of a percent. I was actually SAT DOWN with my parents, and I got a LECTURE about how I have to get better and try harder and not get the few TV shows I do watch get in the way with my school work. All in all, they were very disappointed with my work, young lady.
I MEAN, WHAT THE HELL?!?!?!
Sigh. I will stop now. Meu Deus, this is longer than I intended. I will stop the complaining session with a song recommendation. Umm.... what's one I want to recommend? Hmmm...... how about:
Goo Goo Dolls: Better Days. INCREDIBLE! Also by GGD: Iris, Let Love In, and I think the other one is Stay With You.
I'll go now. Enjoy the music!
I really did jinx it, didn't I?
Today was HORRIBLE. I woke up at�2 am because I actually couldn't breathe. Really, my throat was completely and utterly blocked by some form of gooeyness, but I won't go into detail. I nearly suffocated and I was up until 5:30. Then my lovely parents came to wake me up at 6:30. And wouldn't let me stay home. Because God above knows that Annabel's greatest pleasure is skipping school unnecessarily. Ha! They gave me a choice (The quotation marks will be what is said, and the italic will be what is implied.). "You can stay home if you WANT, Annabel, but we will block the internet connection." You will forever be known as a shameful sloth whose greatest pleasure is feigning illness to play truant. Forget having us ever buy food for you again. "Or, you can go to school." And thus fulfill our fondest dreams and not force us to�send you to Guatemala so you can TRULY appreciate how lucky you are to have the pythagorean theorem shoved down your throat. Go, Anna, go! *chants* neu-ro-sur-geon, neu-ro-sur-geon.... Not to make light of a serious situation in third world countries. But honestly.
Oh, wait. It's supper time. I will continue my angstyness later. (I did warn you. Some days will be moody.)
Hi!
Woot! I got a comment. It was only one, but I am proud. Thank you, whoever you are, but since I seem to be technologically retarded I can't see who sent it. Ah well. Thank you anyways.
Ouache. Today wasn't so hot. Not only do I feel like I've been run over by a truck (God smite whoever it was that made the common cold. If it was actually God, then nevermind, as that would be slighty counterproductive.), but I have approximately...�5 (no joke) projects due next week. None of them even started. Whoops-a-daisy. As someone very wise once said: "What do we want? Procrastination! When do we want it? Later!" Ahahaha. That one always makes me laugh. Besides the cold and/or the projects, though, life is normal. Field trip today. Nothing too extreme (woot woot for museums... I love them :D ) but still, I would KILL to try on one of those dresses ; ). Don't even ask.
I heard that one of my favourite books MIGHT be made into a movie, and that there MIGHT, MIGHT be open casting. I would die of joy. Which would, of course, completely destroy any chances of me actually getting into the movie, but.... :P. Ahaha.
SSSIPSNWNJIV (a shortened version of a nickname for one of my best friends) and I had another pointless conversation today. Pfft. What's new about that? Nothing. Sometimes we get along fine... Other times.... Not so fine. She's an over-the-top, let-me-beat-some-biblical-sense-into-you,-unbeliever kind of person. That is, when she's in that particular mood. God forbid I say something like God forbid in her presence. Out comes the Bible. "In John 23:3, he says..." No. She's not as extreme to carry a Bible on her person at all times, much less quote it off the top of her head. As SHE says, "Why, I've only just got past Genesis!" Which means absolutely nothing to me (it's at the beginning of the Bible, I think...). Nonetheless, she has a tendency to punch me rather hard in the arm if I mention anything like her joining a street gang whose idol is Jesus. THEN I get it. Or even say, Oh God, or Oh My God. She glares. It is exasperating, I must say. Why should she control what I say? Doesn't she understand that I will say what I want to?? Even if it drives her to distraction? SSSIPSNWNJIV--fouiche, that is LONG. Let's call her Charlotte, shall we?-- Well, Char doesn't seem to care. She wants her way. We're really too headstrong for each other.
Good book recommendation of the day: A Great and Terrible Beauty, by Libba Bray. It is a Victorian age Gothic with a bit�of fantasy (woot for fantasy!). I think the people who like it most would be young adults... but you can try it anyways!
I will go now. Foooooood time.
Hi there!
Not quite sure why I joined this website.... No offense, Inbox Journal! But I guess I just wanted a place where I could say what I wanted to without having to fear the wrath of either my fellow students or my familiars.�Not so easy a thing to do, when you're me.�
Hmm... where to start? I am not going to say how old I am, my name, or where I live (duh.), but you can call me... hmmm.... Annabel. Please refrain for leaving�disparaging comments, because I am very sensitive, no matter how indifferent I seem to be.
I have always been... different. Where everyone else would enjoy immense pleasure talking about the latest gossip and fashions, I would enjoy equal pleasure in discussing my latest favourite authour with fellow literary maniacs. I just can't seem to be like everyone else. And trust me, I've tried. And I'm not going to fly off here to say how incredibly special I am and that I will actually be the saviour of the world. I'm also not going to ramble off on an angsty tangent about how the whole world hates me. It doesn't hate me. We're just very different.
I have tried to like the things that you would expect me to, but I just can't. I cannot commmit myself to a life that revolves around those those things. I would be bored within a day, and then I would start sneaking off to my closet to read fantasy books in secret. (Which would of course create a whole separate gossip mill in my name.) Most people would pop in here, completely idealistic, and say that I'm allowed to be whoever I want and that the world can't stop me. I try my best. I really do. And most of the time I succeed. But sometimes I have to stop myself due to the looks I get. They make me feel so stupid sometimes. I know that�their opinions shouldn't matter to me. I try so hard to be strong. Sometimes, though, my shield just cracks and all their snide comments get through to me.
I will try not to be overly depressing (although I doubt that anyone will read this). I just can't say anything anywhere else because then I get either weird looks or laughed at. Not laughed at mockingly, but kind of like "Haha, you're so funny, Annabel, now say what you really do think." Which they expect to be exactly what THEY think. Which it isn't. I have a hard time saying what I think. I have a hard time backing up what I think. Mostly because I've never had enough self confidence to stand up to those in a different caste than me (you don't even understand the school-based caste system here.).
Hah. So much for not being depressing and angsty. I promise it won't happen again. Unless I am feeling particularly angsty that particular day.
Well, I am going to go now. I don't know who to address this to, seeing as I don't think that anyone will care about the moody ramblings and prose of a girl who has no one else to say this to.
Not expecting anyone to read this, or much less comment on it,
Annabel
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