nodeadends's Journal

Aug 2007
9:45 AM EDT

Ok I have decided to see where this will take me if anywhere at all. I put an ad on C.L. A few people responded, what am I getting myself into? I kind of knew this was going to happen. Maybe Iam just experimenting I dont know. Which is why I have to do this. I see how john other's feel. He's openly gay,that shit has got to be hard. I am not gay but I still can relate. I am not bisexual either. That is according to the kinsey scale, which states no one is 100% homosexual or heterosexual. That makes me feel safe lol. I have 2 figure this out on my own. I sense that some unseen force is driving me. Perhaps it is the devil who knows. I remember when I told my N.P. that I was attracted to the same sex. Of course he denounced this idea, it goes against all christian teachings and morals. Should I keep pretending and shoving down these feelings I have. Repressing it isnt working , but I am unsure if acting out my emotions is the answer either. Latley I am consumed with crazy shit running through my mind. I should make a choice,guess I already have. Seeing that I can never be with a woman totally and openly (because i have a healthy fair of hell and the big dude)plus I aspire to get married one day. I have a little flicker of hope left. Very little, a black man is a turn off as far as having a meaningful and serious relationship. Stereotyping isnt cool but hey most of them are liars, unemployed ,dead beat dads and just full of shit.

I have been abstaining from sex. Well actually I have been running from it literally! Its not easy at all. The phone rings and it all starts, when can I come out. What's up tonight? Can I bring Jade out. Jade isnt a real person its what my ex calls the freaky side of me. He likes it when I get aggressive during sex . A few times I slapped the hell out of him, he was suprised:). He liked it ,even told his now estranged wife about it. At least he wasnt married during that time. Scooby is on some get back shit, cant do it. He wasnt man enough to tell me we were done face to face. That is a black man for ya. Damn cowards I bet he wishes I would put this on his mustache but it aint happening. Not any time soon, he is going to suffer before I fuck him. It has been year or more since i messed with him. His shit is good but it that serious, I have options. He is clearly on the rebound.

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Username: nodeadends

Gender / Age: Female, 18

Location: USA - New York

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