maureen's Journal

Feb 2007
8:13 PM EDT

we are starting couples counseling saturday.Im not sure what I expect to happen, but am glad we are trying. She has been telling me how much me being disabled is a financial burden to her. I have been fighting for my disabilty for over 2 years. I wish I could make it happen faster, I just have no control over the social security time table. She is so stressed about money. I know we dont have alot. Our bills are always late. But somehow I cant make her see how much we DO have. There are many people who have much less.I feel like the universe gives you back what you give to it. She is giving off so much negativity, that negative seems to falling in her lap every moment of the day, and unfortuneately what comes into her life is also in my life. I just feel like maybe we are on different paths spiritually. I am grateful for what I have, and most of the time I dont complain about what I dont have. I know what hard times are (grew up in a family of 13), and our life is not as hard as it could be.

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Feb 2007
6:47 AM EDT

ok the last few days have been ok. I am wanting to see that she "gets" what she has done to me. She says she does, but when I "ask what have you done to me?" her reply is "I hurt you". I try to explain that I need her to articulate exactly what acts she has done. I need her to have to relive it over and over as I do everyday. I also need to look back and become more aware of what I have done to her. Also what I have allowed her to do to me.

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Feb 2007
10:41 AM EDT

well its been a few days since I wrote anything. Britton has been out of school for 3 days, he finally went back today. As far as Holly and I are doing, it's ok. She is still living with her mom.I see her nearly every day, and she does not appear to have been drinking. But, she has done this (stopping for a while)only to start it all up again. So I remain very sceptical. I let her come over to watch lost with me last night. We actually did not argue. Maybe thats the way it has to be. maybe we just cant live together. I do miss her. We have decided to go into counceling, but live apart.I just wish all the damage that has happened could be just wiped away, but I know how impossible that is.

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Jan 2007
4:46 PM EDT

ok. so she left today.she moved in with her mom. she has spent the last 5 days on a drinking binge. I dont know how to feel. I do feel sad. I feel free. I just have to accept i cant fix her. I cant make her well. I have to take care of myself. I am scared of what I will do in my weak moments.I am scared what will happen to me and britton. I have no job and no money. and i dont think my family is in the position to help again. I dont want to write more know cause writing makes me think, and thinking hurts too much.

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Jan 2007
9:09 AM EDT

Well i accidently deleted my last entry. I feel so many things. I am stuck on why I was not enough for her to quit drinking. Why I could not make her see what a mess she has made of both our lives. It was a year ago this month that she rolled her car out on a country road. She ended up hitting a tree and totaling her car. She had to be life flighted to the hospital. I have heard it said that when a person hits rock bottom they will change. How low could rock bottom be? How ugly does life have to become for a person to change it? I wish I could have been enough. I wish I could have been the one thing she would not risk losing. I was not enough.

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Jan 2007
1:43 PM EDT

ok, so I have been trying to do things her way, just shutting up and letting her how me she loves me in her own way, not the way I want or expect. Its not going so well. She has rejected me sexually twice already. She has not set any time aside for us. She has come home and kissed me and holding my hand in the car, stopping for a kiss at the traffic lights. I guess its a start. She went to the doc yesterday and got pills for anxiety and pain in her shoulder. I guess I should say she is an alcoholic and is not suppose to be drinking. She subsitutes pills for boo's. She drinks also. She sneaks around doing it. Says she is going to get ciggs at the carryout and buys some bottle and drinks it on the way home. When she gets here she is drunk and abusive. I know you might wonder why I stay. Well I am disabled and cant not work. I have absolutey zero income. I have been fighting to get my Social Security for about 2 years.I dont have any family that can help. I am alone and broke. I have begged her to get help, but she refuses. I am so screwed.

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Jan 2007
11:14 AM EDT

So where do I begin? The present seems as good of a place as any, due to the fact speaking about the past does no good and it actually a mirror of the present.I agreed with Holly to give her 30 days to give me what I need to be happy. I am not to tell her what I need. She says she knows because I have been telling her what to think, say and how to act.I feel that I have done that because she does not give me what I need, but am willing to give it a try her way. I expect her to continue to be the same distant abusive woman she has been for years. I hope for something totally different. Although hope has not been to good to me.I need to her to put me first in all things. I want her to come home from work and put me first. I need her to put her mom after me. I need her to realize I am just as ill as her mom. I need to to set and stick to a schedule as far us what time is ours. We have talked about this for years and she always backs down. I need her to become a person of integrity. I need to know I can trust her. I need to her show me I am the woman she wants to be with. I need her to learn to keep her mouth shut when all she has to say are hurtful and negative things. I dont like that I have to keep my wants and needs to myself. I dont see how that can be helpful to anyone. Perhap it helps her by not putting any expectations on her, therefor...no excpectations= no failures. Although if she does not do what it takes to make me happy it is a failure. She says she knows what I need,and can and will give it to me, then if she does not she has failed. If I dont keep my mouth shut then I fail.

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Jan 2007
1:42 PM EDT

Well I guess eveyone wants my bio, and just dont feel like my life is woth putting on the family website. So I have decided to keep this journal, and to those who have the stomache to read the "not so nice stuff", which os most of what my life is all about. Your welcome to read on.

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maureen's Profile

Username: maureen

Gender / Age: Female, 61

Location: USA - Ohio

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