madhousewife's Journal

 
    
22
Jan 2007
6:20 AM EDT
   

Such a releif to have the power back on. It wouldn't be quite so bad if we atleast had water, but having a well puts us at a disadvantage. Dispit the grief it caused, I got some lovely shots of our iced trees. It was beautiful. Should I or shouldn't I get a puppy, is the question I keep asking myself. Poor Jaz spends so much time alone. She and Oscar used to play. As much as she seems to like being the only furbaby, I think she gets lonesome. Today I hope to complete the taking down of the C'mas stuff. Such a chore, it takes the joy out of the holidays for me. Long story for a venting mood. Today I feel fairly good so no major gripes...
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11
Jan 2007
7:04 AM EDT
   

A house full of relatives, and an ice storm, fun,fun!! My neice brought her pug puppy, what a cutie. I have been debating getting a puppy. When Oscar died having Jaz really helped. Now she's getting up there in age and I don't want to be left alone. The debate is do I get a puppy, or adopted something from the pound ect. I want something that can be around kids, which Jaz can't. Do I want to housebreak a dog, ect?? I guess it's like being around babies and you think, oh I want another. Playing with it I had forgotten how whiny pups are and how sharp their teeth are, but I miss that stuff. I have only had one puppy, I have always taken grown dogs with issues. I am one of those spay and neuter freaks who hate all the dog breeding, and see all the unwanted pets out there. Everyone likes babies, but not often the adults they become. I keep saying how much I want to change, but do I really?? It's harder to be positive, and look on the bright side. I feel like Ray off Everyone Love Raymond, it just doesn't feel natural. It is so much easier to be negative, depressed, and wallow in self pity. Poor me, everything is unfair! It's hard to take responsibility for my actions and life, and easy to blame everyone else (Mom, husband, co-workers, ect) for all my issues. Dispite this I do want to change it, and am taking baby steps to do it.
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09
Jan 2007
6:27 AM EDT
   

I have got to work on my stress and anger issues. I let the smallest thing just drive me nuts. I don't handle change well. It seems everytime I have things the way I know, my husband changes servers, or moves things around. I feel my jaw clench and I just want to blow a gasket. I know it's well meant, but it makes me nutty. I read a book once called "don't sweat the small stuff.." and it helped, but then I go back to old habits. I feel stressed all the time , like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. I know part is living here with Mom. The dementia really makes for a lot of stress. Usually I get away camping every so often, but not once last year. My sister is of no help. She moved away, and left me to deal with it all. The other part is I never feel like I get more than 5min to myself. I don't know what to do!! Maybe if I get back into yoga, or find a good book on stress. On the up side Jasmine is doing better. Must have been the doggy flu. I couldn't have stood losing her esp so soon after losing Oscar. She's feisty, full of energy, and playful as can be.
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1 comment(s) - 09:23 AM - 01/09/2007
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08
Jan 2007
6:10 AM EDT
   

What a start I have made!! I swore to myself I would journal every day even if only just a sentence or two. Things snowball so easily. It hasn't been quite the glorious start I'd hoped for. Crap at work, crap at home, and now being sick. AAck. My hours got cut at work and I got a downgrade because of a returning cook. It's not her fault, she's good and deserves the hours. It's the other aide/cook that gets my hours that bugs me. She isn't good, and on the whole sucks at the job, but she has "senority" and it's union run. I don't like unions!! I am thinking about going job hunting although that doesn't appeal either. I like my residents, and most of my co-workers, I just want fair play. I work hard and I get tired of having to pickup, put away and in general do what everyone else doesn't. I use to really like my job, now not so much. On the up side , we finally got snow. I was so tired of rain, it's so depressing. The snow made everything look so pretty and bright. Maybe it will help this funk I have fallen in. I do care a whole lot, but others have to as well ,for things to get better.
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31
Dec 2006
5:46 PM EDT
   

The first day of the new year is almost over. I didn't do very well. I let me emotions get the better of me. I did have to laugh. One of my co-workers said they were asked if I had a dual personality disorder. I admit yes I do cssp "can't stand stupid people". It is a little disturbing to have people notice I have had an issue. My stress level has been bad as has the depression. I feel so weary. I am still hopeful. It is only the first day and I am not giving up. Baby steps, and one day at a time. I can do this!!
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31
Dec 2006
4:59 AM EDT
   

To be honest I can't think of three good things right now. I am trying this to help myself change and analyze things in my own life. I want 2007 to be a stellar year in my life. I have heard keeping a journal can help so wanted to try. My problem was not wanting a paper trail my family could read. They want to fix me or take my feelings and turn them into something about them. I suffer from depression, anxiety and low self-esteem and like all others I just want to be happy. In some ways I had a miserable childhood because of painful shyness, and constant critizism from Mom. I lost my youth in a too early marriage and motherhood. Don't get me wrong, my kids are my heart I just wish I had been older because being so young I wasn't prepared. I let them down in a lot of was because of my age. I didn't always like my kids, their friends, or choices, but I did always love and support them. My goal was to not be like my own Mother. Anyway ..I am hoping to work on myself and stop trying to rely on thers for my own happiness.
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1 comment(s) - 10:25 AM - 12/31/2006
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31
Dec 2006
4:53 PM EDT
   

Time for resolutions. I'm not going to waste energy on the ysuals, as I know I won't keep them. I don't want to get carried away making un-attainable goals, that I will once again feel like a failure for not keeping. I will take each day as it comes trying to live in the momment. No getting stuck on what could have been, and no obsessing about what come with tomorrow. It always sound simple, but it isn't, it is very hard. I want to live my life without feeling like I should apologize, or worry about others getting mad. I want to become more spiritual, and find some inner peace to help me find patience. I will try to control the urges to go after rude people,and tailgaters, smash cell phones, and point out ignorance when I see it. My fingers are crossed for this new year!!
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madhousewife's Profile

  • Username: madhousewife
  • Gender / Age: Female, 68
  • Location: USA - Michigan
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    MADHOUSEWIFE's Interests:

    About Me: 50 year old Grandma, trying to figure out my own life and identity.

    Interests: anything having to do with water, rollercoasters, board games, animals, camping.

    Favorite Music: I like all music, but gospel.

    Favorite Movies: Horror, comedy

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