lockshockbarrel's Journal

Feb 2007
6:29 PM EDT

Feb 1 2007 At one time I had controll of the things in my life. I was happy, comfortable and content. Then something happened and someone changed their mind about something with me. Then after all that time and effort it all ended so quickly. Now it's been almosy a year and thing have changed I'm still lost and have not yet found my control again. My decisions are lost and out of focus, I can't seem to hold on to anything and don't know if I even know what I want other than one thing. This thing may be lost forever and there may not be anything I can do to fix this or change it and all maybe lost forever. If only I knew what to do when I should of done something. Just it's when things come at you so unexpectedly you just don't know what to do or say about it. You panic and freak and fuck things up and possibly worse than I even planned. First I had so much anger and didn'y know how to disperse of it. Thinkng that it would dissipate and vanish my mind and then I could go bcak it just grew. It grew because I became selfish and wanted more. not thinkng about the factors and trying to understand anyones positioning. I lost sight of what I really wanted for one point, only because I wanted irt in a more intense factor so quickly and right away. Looking for all the wrong things. I wanted him to show that He still needed me and he didn't he found someone else, this just feeding the growing anger that was already refusing to stop more and more everyday!! Soon it became that if I couldn't have exactly what I wanted then it moved on that I didn't want anything to do with him at all. So I pushed and pushed and became angered to the max, only as a coping mechanism to make myself feel better and have it easier on myslef not thinking about how he may feel about it. After that it was just a matter of blocking him from my mind completely only making myslef less in control and more and more of a fuck up because I am no longer myslef but ingoring mysels so I can ignore my emotions. Then a chance is asked to be given and instead of allowing I fought it in anger. Resenting the loss of his love not realizing that I was dumb and it was still there. Wanting nothing still because I couldn't have it all, be selfish and wanted only what I wanted and if that wasn't happening that I wanted nothing at all. So there I go again pushing and pushing applying intense anger in hopes once again that it would just make things easier on my behalf so I wouldn't feel the hurt I was block out of my hearrt and my mind.Then one more time a hope I destroy all over again, not showing the care and true empathy I feel. Asking finally the one thing I had feared and thought I was so sure about. Getting the answer that would make everything so much better and then once again because of the such surprise of what I heard I freaked and got lost in my emotions and thoughts blurting out what is yet again another defense and possibly destryong everything I had just wanted back in the first place. I just was confused because I thouhgt I was so sure and yet again I wasn't and then became upset with the fact that why? Why wouldn't you try to show something or to let me know. How could you really feel that way and not have tried to do anything more that what your were. Having me even more lost and out of control now. Now I can only make sure that all the anger is gone and realize that I can't expect so much so soon and how wrong I really was and should have given so much more.I see cleary and maybe I have gain some control at least about how I feel and what I can do to make thigns better if this isnt completly irreperable and utterly damaged. I guess I will have to learn to live what I have done. Just remebering the wonderfully sweet good things that are and always will be in my memories. well till next time be strong and fucking figure things out !!!

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lockshockbarrel's Profile

Username: lockshockbarrel

Gender / Age: Female, 38

Location: Canada