lockshockbarrel's Journal

Aug 2008
7:39 PM EDT

Why are people always so ure of themselves ?

I just don't understand how people can just assume that they will know how they feel in the future about something, someone or anything for that matter. How do we know ? Yor emotions and values can change especially if you are an undecisssive person. Peopl go on beleieve that sometime from now there friends will always be there friends. That one day something might happen and their not your friend or that the one you care about it always going to be that somebody in their heart when sometime down the road it could likely change. For some people this may occure faster some others may take more time on how theri feelings change. Although you may not change your mind frequently if ther people around you change the opinion and impressions change of that person to in alot of cases. This causing you to change how you feel about something or someone. we need to just sit back relize that nothing is for sure and just hope for the best by merely trying our best. Enjoy what we have and appreciate it good things never last !!

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Feb 2007
7:44 PM EDT

well fuck damn stupid piece of shit computer stuff. I had all this shit written out and well now I just don't care to do it all over again so till next time I guess!

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Feb 2007
6:41 PM EDT

Feb 8 2007 I hear the clock, it's 6 A.M. I feel so far away from where I've been. I got my eggs, got my pancakes, too. Got my maple syrup, ev'rything but you. I break the yolks and make a smiley face, Dreams last so long, Even after you're gone.I know, that you love meAnd soon you will see You were meant for me,And I was meant for you.I kinda like it in my brand new I called my momma, she was out for a walk.Consoled a cup of coffee, but it didn't wanna talk.So I picked up a paper, it was more bad news.More hearts being broken or people being used.Put on my coat in the pouring rain.I saw a movie, it just wasn't the same.'Cause it was happy and I was sadAnd it made me miss you, oh, so bad. Go about my bus'ness, I'm doing fine. Besides, a-what would I say if I had you on the line? Same old story not much to say, Hearts are broken ev'ry day. I brush my teeth and put the cap back on. I know you hate it when I leave the light on. I pick a book up and then I turn the sheets down, And then I take a deep breath and a good look around. Put on my pj's and hop into bed. I'm half alive, but I feel mostly dead. I try and tell myself it'll be all right, I just shouldn't think anymore tonight.Yeah, you were meant for me And I was meant for you. Wipe the spots above the mirror, Don't leave the keys in the door. I never put wet towels on the floor anymore, 'cause

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Feb 2007
6:29 PM EDT

Feb 1 2007 At one time I had controll of the things in my life. I was happy, comfortable and content. Then something happened and someone changed their mind about something with me. Then after all that time and effort it all ended so quickly. Now it's been almosy a year and thing have changed I'm still lost and have not yet found my control again. My decisions are lost and out of focus, I can't seem to hold on to anything and don't know if I even know what I want other than one thing. This thing may be lost forever and there may not be anything I can do to fix this or change it and all maybe lost forever. If only I knew what to do when I should of done something. Just it's when things come at you so unexpectedly you just don't know what to do or say about it. You panic and freak and fuck things up and possibly worse than I even planned. First I had so much anger and didn'y know how to disperse of it. Thinkng that it would dissipate and vanish my mind and then I could go bcak it just grew. It grew because I became selfish and wanted more. not thinkng about the factors and trying to understand anyones positioning. I lost sight of what I really wanted for one point, only because I wanted irt in a more intense factor so quickly and right away. Looking for all the wrong things. I wanted him to show that He still needed me and he didn't he found someone else, this just feeding the growing anger that was already refusing to stop more and more everyday!! Soon it became that if I couldn't have exactly what I wanted then it moved on that I didn't want anything to do with him at all. So I pushed and pushed and became angered to the max, only as a coping mechanism to make myself feel better and have it easier on myslef not thinking about how he may feel about it. After that it was just a matter of blocking him from my mind completely only making myslef less in control and more and more of a fuck up because I am no longer myslef but ingoring mysels so I can ignore my emotions. Then a chance is asked to be given and instead of allowing I fought it in anger. Resenting the loss of his love not realizing that I was dumb and it was still there. Wanting nothing still because I couldn't have it all, be selfish and wanted only what I wanted and if that wasn't happening that I wanted nothing at all. So there I go again pushing and pushing applying intense anger in hopes once again that it would just make things easier on my behalf so I wouldn't feel the hurt I was block out of my hearrt and my mind.Then one more time a hope I destroy all over again, not showing the care and true empathy I feel. Asking finally the one thing I had feared and thought I was so sure about. Getting the answer that would make everything so much better and then once again because of the such surprise of what I heard I freaked and got lost in my emotions and thoughts blurting out what is yet again another defense and possibly destryong everything I had just wanted back in the first place. I just was confused because I thouhgt I was so sure and yet again I wasn't and then became upset with the fact that why? Why wouldn't you try to show something or to let me know. How could you really feel that way and not have tried to do anything more that what your were. Having me even more lost and out of control now. Now I can only make sure that all the anger is gone and realize that I can't expect so much so soon and how wrong I really was and should have given so much more.I see cleary and maybe I have gain some control at least about how I feel and what I can do to make thigns better if this isnt completly irreperable and utterly damaged. I guess I will have to learn to live what I have done. Just remebering the wonderfully sweet good things that are and always will be in my memories. well till next time be strong and fucking figure things out !!!

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lockshockbarrel's Profile

Username: lockshockbarrel

Gender / Age: Female, 38

Location: Canada