This stage in my life seems to have a lot of ups and downs. As one thing starts going good, two start going bad...My relationship has been no exception to this current trend in my life. I am still not sure what is in store for us in the future, but for now it has been a big battle just to maintain peace. One minute he is normal and sweet, and the next he is telling me I have three seconds to get off the couch. I do not feel scared that he would harm me, but just hearing him say something like that makes me so mad, I almost want to say fuck it.
Then last night he admited to me that he is depressed, which really came as no shock. These words have been ringing in my ears all day, and I really started to think about everything that was going on with us. It is really hard because things are not going great for me in my life, I have my own battles I deal with everyday. This stress just drops the bar for what I can tolerate, and I am easily frustrated. At the same time, he knows there are certaing things he does that really annoy me, he told me that he knows he is annoying, but that is it. He does not want to make an effort to change those things. Sometimes I wonder if he wants to put in the work to make a relationship work. Currently I know the answer to this question is no...He has so much other stuff going on in his life, he feels like our relationship is just another battle. That really hurts me, and what makes it worse is thatI do not feel like I am a priority in his life. He is not leaving me out of his life, or excluding me from any part of his life to make me feel this way, it is just the small things like compromising and the way he talks. That is an entire nother subject. Our entire relationship to this point has been, well if we make it through the fall, or I don't think we will make it to the summer, and now we are living together with a six month lease, and he says I would not leave you during this six months because I already told you I would at least stick it out until then...These are exactly the comments that are making me build up this wall and make me want to stop caring so that I don't get hurt in the long run...
What it all comes down to is he is going through a hard time, I know that . I love him, and I should be there to help him get through these battles. I really want to make this work, and overall in the last 14 months I have been very happy with him. My only question is where do I draw the line of how much I will take. How long do I keep letting him say things that make me feel worthless before I just can't take it anymore. And if I suck it up, will that change how I feel about him after it is all said and done? We are not married or engaged or have children, so walking away would not be nearly as complicated, but I don't want to. I just wish I could see some light at the end of the tunnel.
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