jesssie's Journal

It's been a while since I have had anything interesting to write about.. yet, I still have pretty much nothing.

The holidays are over, and what I have discovered is that I have become a whole new person this year. Someone completely changed from the person I was last year. I have found new friends, friends that I love being around and they make me happier than any friends I have had at my school. There are four of them : Kendra, Caitlin, Amanda and Ellen. At my school, there is hardly anyone who you could call a real friend, but that is my group of friends and they are always there, making me laugh and being there to hear my stories. I'm glad I found them, and I'm glad we're so close.

As for a certain boy, the London one.. I guess I realized that I lost my chance a long time ago, and although I so badly want to hold on to what I thought was there, I know I can't. In the end, if i do, I'm only going to end up hurt. I don't like being hurt, as anyone wouldn't, and right now, especially with exams coming up - my last priority is trying to get the guy. I'm gonna just relax, and let things go the way they were meant to. I'm going to stop trying with guys.. at least for now. I love being single, I love having the freedom to do whatever I please, whenever I please. I can kiss whoever I want to and in my perspective, that's a good thing ( not to sound whore-ish ).

I'm going to be honest now, I really miss Lauren. We aren't as close as we have been in the past, it feels like we're constantly drifting and when I am trying a little bit to hold on, I just know it's not going to happen. Now that I am not friends with her boyfriend, it's even harder- how am I supposed to know what he is saying to her? Like, I mean it's not like he has so much to say about me, and like he would waste his time talking to her about me.. but i'm just saying. I don't know. All i do know, is that I miss being able to call her one of my best friends and meaning it. I don't feel like I can actually do that right now. Or lately.

And, another thing I'm really happy about, is how good me and Tiah are. I think I'm starting to notice that we're the type of friends who have completely different ways of dealing with things. But Im considering how she deals with things, and she's learning how I deal, and in the long run I think that our friendship is going to be just fine. I honestly really hope it does because she's one of a kind. I love her so much and I really miss her. I do.

And, last but not least. The one boy who has stayed in the back of my head for God knows how long, I won't mention his name but we all know who he is.. I keep going back and fourth between if I have feelings for him or not. In the end I know I do, but honestly... i wish i didnt. He's too confusing, too hard to deal with, too MUCH for me. But I like having more than I can handle. He's more than I can handle and I find it attractive. I guess I am a little weird with these kinds of things.