jaymme68's Journal

Apr 2007
8:19 AM CST

4-1-07 - I've been deperessed all day. Watching Father of the Bride made me realize how much of my life I would change if I could go back. I miss my Daddy so much. I would have had a real wedding, I would have left all the idiots I got involved with alone, I would have gotten my children out of Montgomery, AL sooner and I would have never let my daughter quit school. I re-married their father again for the third time after 14 years, and my life has gone back to the way it was years ago, I'm dealing with his drug addiction once again, I was free of it, and I believed his hopeless promises and took him back again. this is another thing I would change if I could. Now I'm stuck. We live in a house that is way too expensive, there is nothin here to rent that is affordable, the only positive thing is that I am finally going back to nursing school. that is the one thing I can still thrive for. Now that I am 38 I can see that this is not the life I would have chosen for myself. My adoptive parents families don't have anything to do with my now that they know that I know I was adoped and my biological parents families have little to do with me, so it's just me, Shana, Dylan and bobby and my Mama that raised me, which by the way IS my Mama as far as I am concerned. I feel lost without any family ties and it's unfair. I think that's why I have always clinged to Bobby because even though he does what he does I know he really loves me. He can't help how he was raised and its like he is brainwashed. But I'm afraid he will never ever stop doing drugs, taking pills, and I can't live my life like that. I'm going to turn my attention to school and I know when I get out that if he is still doin his thing I can afford to do whatever I want. I could kick my own ass for believing he would actually see things the right way, hell that's all he knows. I'm tired of struggling, we never have enough money, my son, poor thing, I never thought a person could love someone as much as I love him. If I could take him away from this environment right now I would today, I had him out and damnit if I didn't bring him back in it by giving bobby the benefit of the doubt. I should have known better. Poor Shana, he has hurt her more than anybody probably. that makes me hate him. He's never in his right mind anymore, stupidm methodome and Zanax. I hate pillsand I hate drugs!!!!!!!! I wish I could take both my kids out of here I would. Anyway I guess that is enough for today. Until tomorrow.

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2 comment(s) - 09:14 AM - 04/12/2007

jaymme68's Profile

Username: jaymme68

Gender / Age: Female, 56

Location: USA - Mississippi