blue4u's Journal

Dec 2006
6:58 PM EDT

sorry its been days since I wrote but my time seems so limited. I've been reading other people's entries and it seems there are people just like me,but maybe not all the same problems??Well my story starts like this..I'm a nice looking girl and I have been married for 11years to my high school sweetheart and soulmate but we had some really bad tragedies in our lives !!!We was married in 1995 and months later his brother that was 14years old passed us in an automoble and loss control and run into a tree head on doing 70mph.. IT killed him and his girlfriend (same age).. Rumors started before they even grew cold that nite.. People said that we were racing . Thats just a bunch of BULL SHIT!!!! My husband was effected very much from this and the rumors but he also had to deal with his parents and grandparents believing the rumors and telling him , it should have been him because his brother was the good one.. So I have tried to support my husband in all ways I know how!! Then 2002 comes along and laborday me and my husband find our daughter floating in the family swimming pool....She was 2yrs old and the most beautiful child you could ever lay eyes on .Talk about have your heart torn out and your guts twisted so tight that a trip to the grocery store was absolutly sickening!!!It affectsthings that you never notice till you've had the world you stand in and live snatched out from underneath you ...... One thing I can recall is the RADIO , I live for music everything in my life had music surronding it,wake up with mtv,vh1,cmt on tv while getting ready for work radio at work, and at nite to sleep..I couldnt stand to hear it anymore and the songs made me hate so much more than I was already dealing with .. I had even got to the point I couldnt be around other people's kids I was so madd because they had their's and mine was gone...My cousin was the worst for me because she never brushed her little girl's hair or dressed her up and take her places?? Most of all it tore me and my husband apart.... So too make along story short my husband started drugs and I,m not talking a little harmless weed.... i'm talking cocain, crack crystal pills,,,,etc...anything to get a high to numb the pain for that second... I still stuck it out with my husband bcause I LOVE him.. eventually it lead to more trouble for him ... IT costed him 1 1/2 years in the pen and I stayed alone with daughter that was 9yearsold and Ihad just had our son that was only 3months old,but I sucked it up and got a job paid the bills and took care of the kids and the house,I still supported my husband Financilly and emotionally...My husband finally made parole and our son was going on to 2yrs old and was just getting to know his dad.. He came home in june and was locked back up again in april, not even 1whole year yet!!!!!!Well you guessed it for the same damn thing DRUGS, now he's facing time up to 2008-2010..Ilove him but I'm growing tired!!! All I want is a normal family .. Is normal asking to much??? I want him to love me the way I love him!! Iknow he loves me just not the way I want .. I have always been faithfull to him,, but this last year I have met someone and I have fallen for him,,But I'm confused if its because I want to be loved or I'm just missing the attention of the oppisite sex.. I always felt good about myself Iknow Im pretty andI'm not concided but here lately it feels like it's slipping away ..It would be nice for aman to notice and say so would be even better!!!! The only thing about the other guy is AGE he's 24 and I'm 29.. Now don't get me wrong I love the sex!!!!! I especially like being the 1 in control and experienced...It's a great turn on and I'm at the peak of my sex life right now and I don't want that to be taken away from me because of the mistakes he has made.. I have feelings for both now either way I go It's gonna be a heartache???? So am I wrong for what I'm doing ???Will things ever change for the good in our marriage????I know in my heart it'll never work with the younger one even though we have the greatest SEX it just wouldnt work??? I think????so I guess one day I'll figure out what I want but I wouldnt mind an opinion or suggestion... So here's where my screen name comes in BLUE4U!!!!!!!!

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Username: blue4u

Gender / Age: Female, 47

Location: USA - Louisiana

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