The thought of moving out and living by myself is more appealing than ever. And lately, I've been thinking of doing this more often. I'm afraid that I might really do it. But the expenses would be terrible, too much for me to bear. Mom's been real nice after aunt passed away. And there's a reason behind this. Aunt told us she's very sad that mom and I couldn't get along well when aunt was hospitalised. Aunt somehow knew that she won't live long. I wonder if I would know my death as well. Mom told me that she's trying to bridge the gap between us, she's making efforts because that's what aunt would wish to see. How mom and I come into that conversation is another story, but this conversation has an ugly ending. She also said that since she's being nice on her part, she hoped that I would also change. HONESTLY, I don't think I can help being the way I am, undomestic. I'm not interested in doing house chores, and she constantly barking at me to get me clean up. She's tired, so am I.I'm comfortable living in this mess. I don't appreciate her being nice to me at all. Because I've never expected her to be truly nice to me. No, that's a lie. A long time ago, when I was still in secondary school, I still longed for her love and her being nice to me. Ever since I entered into tertiary education, I've been very much on my own. I asked allowance from her and she's got her ways of making me feeling guilty to take money from her. Sometimes I would end up skipping meals so that I would have enough for transport. That's why when she said that I should give her money since I started working, I totally HATE it when my cousin is already giving her money. On top of that, she's also working. She doesn't even need my money, but she just want to take it from me. I told a few people that I would give money to my mom, but I would never take care of her. I feel so disgusted that I even have to pay my respect to her during Chinese New Year. It's all damn shit, when in normal days I'm trying very hard to restrain myself from cursing her. Yea, I'm an evil witch. So what? I'm just so damn pissed. Of course, there are things I fear. There's this saying goes "monkey see, monkey do" and I'm beginning to find it quite true. So many times I find that I'm similar to my mom, which is totally disgusting. I'm not sure if I really do feel for my mom, because despite how much I dislike her and wanting to distant myself away from her, but there are times I do want to hug her. I wonder if it's because she's my mom and we do have a special bond. But there are times when I feel like that for some people and they are not even my close friends. Well, they are just people whom I know. I don't think I have any friends. I'm not exactly bothered that I don't have any friends whom I can comfortably rely on, because I've been on my own for a long time.
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