berries7cinnamon's Journal

I almost couldn't register what my cousins said when they told me she's gone. I haven't visited her in a week, and to think all these times she's so close to me; to my work place and i didn't even visited her once during the weekdays with stupid excuses i made for myself saying that i'm too tired. it's true that i'm tired; exhausted; zombified. but i still really wish i have made more effort to see her and not be so lazy for once.

now she's gone, the loss is real.

i thought to myself that maybe i'll skip my lunch on monday and just visit my aunt. since i'm having that sickening mensus, i don't have appetite anyway. but i was so stressed and overwhelmed when i went back to work on monday, when i already knew last week i should have gone back to work during the weekends. i could have visited her then as well. but i didn't.

it's saturday, i thought to myself, i want to stay at home for at least for one day without going anywhere.

then on sunday, i hada feeling my mensus was coming and it was due anyway. i couldn't go anywhere else after coming back from watching simpsons movie. i WENT to watch a movie when i could have visited her. i can't... really forgive myself. then at night, mom called and she's yelling over the phone asking why didn't i come visit my aunt and she couldn't reached me at all at my cell phone. i told her i left it in the office. she called me at 8:30pm and i still could have gone there to visit her, just take a cab. but i just decided that i shall do it tomorrow.

tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow. later on, later on, later on. in the end, i let her waited for too long.

mom told me aunt had been asking if i'm coming at all. right now, rewinding all these, i feel so sad and so full of regret.

i don't know why i even have the idea of going to visit her during my lunch but cancelled it at the last minute simply because i didn't have the mood due to stress from work. i hate myself.

if only i could travel back in time... if...

God has given me so many chances this year. my cousin and his wife were going to china and they asked me to stay with my aunt during that week because her health hadn't been good. but i was being such a brat and i felt that my mom should really go if it wasn't for her stupid temple.

i don't remember why i was having a bad mood during that time, but it still wasn't an excuse.

i was coughing pretty badly when i stayed over at her house. she made me porridge when i was supposed to be the one to take care of her. all i did was to read those stupid manga. i could have spoken to her, talk with her more.

she asked me to help her go buy 4D, and i totally hated it because i never like this 4D and i was coughing real bad. she said that i could go buy mcdonald's hamburger and then we can share it later on.

but i took my time and in the end she just said forget about the mcdonald, just go buy 4D will do.

right now, i just feel so bad. so bad.

ifeel likei've entered into a time limbo ever since i learnt that she's no long here with us. it just feels too unreal. even at the funeral wake, i would pause for a while from time to time thinking whose funeral is it?

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all these seem too unreal, and the feelings are raw. like maybe the next moment she'll call me and tell me to come over to her place because she has cooked up some stuff.

i'm really glad that i ate her rice dumpling this year because this is truly the last time i will ever have it made with her efforts, her love.

i want her to see my boyfriend and approve of him, be at my wedding, see my kids.

she's been here for me ALL my life, yet... it feels like i've done nothing for her at all.

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mom said it's a relief for her to go so peacefully. she's diabetic and her left foot's wound was too stubborn to be healed and she couldn't go through operations because she had weak heart.

she kept telling my mom saying that maybe she shouldn't ask me to scatch her back so that i wouldn't get frightened and never wanted to come again. that's not true. so not true...

at her wake, i thought that if i really want it bad enough. i could will her back to life. she looks so peaceful, like she's sleeping. like she might wake up any time and ask me to massage her legs, talk with her.

i kept telling her i love her a lot in my mind. and that i don't mind scratching her back for her. i really, really love her more than i know.

so it's true that you'll never know the value of someone until they are really gone. i wish i don't have to learn it the hard way.

few years ago, i was too young, too foolish.

now, i'm young and still TOO foolish.

i miss her...