Nodeadenz

Aug 2010
4:08 AM EDT

what now

As of lately we have been getting into more disagreements.... guess the honeymoon period is over! I dont understand him, I feel that he is tryng to�make me over as well as the root of his insecurities. Not gonna happen though, I got my own shit that I am dealing with. For the most part things are decent btwn us, cant believe I lasted this long, however there are those moments when I question what have I gotten myself into. Missing my freedom, the ability to do me, whenever however. According to felicia this is part of being in relationship. I didnt need her to tell me this, it is a shock to my insouciant nature and brain! I wonder am I going to feel in years days to come like I� cant breathe. Iam referring to the feeling I had with Ivan and Eli. I dont have a� problem per se with fidelity, its the clingyness that sends me into brazen rebellion. In some instances I like being alone,�doing things� by myself.

D jwas hovering over me� and getting on my fucking nerves!
He just asked me what was wrong but he� dont really� want to know the inner workings of� brain. I was thinking about whitman and what could have been. I never got a� concrete answer as to why he left me with massive�contusions to my heart. I feel foolish for believing most of what he said. By now we should have been married. Oh well. Wondering if he� thinks of me, of the life we� planned together. I know its not my fault that he turned out to be a liar and a� thief. Somehow I knew the last time I saw him would be the last time. Well at least now I dont have to confront his drunken assults on me. Iam angry with Whitman! I could email him but I dont want� to ..... Cant go back there!

What bothers me about john is� that he thinks being carefree is the equivalent of not giving a fuck, guess he is taking a nap rite now. Iam never totally truthful with him about what Iam thinking or what is going on with me. Which makes me feel as though Iam leading a double life. I have these thoughts/ emotions I keep to myself or share with felicia. He can be very judgemental. I know he loves me but I still ponder what if........ Some needs he just cant fulfill. Iam miserable rite now, Iam not living my best life, hate my surroundings, Iam pretty much alone, just me and my thoughts. Communication is supposedly the key, but cant talk to him. He already said on many occasions he doesnt� get me, so why waste my breath? I have a sense of guilt for wanting my space, its difficult for me to gather my thoughts in the midst of so much kaos.
When I have told my family that Iam getting married their response is arid, its like� trying to slice into� a potatoe� with an unsharpened knife, very dull. For sure I need someone who is motivated and motivating. I like 2� accomplishing things. Rarely do I bullshit or procrastinate, unless of course if the task is daunting or I have some fear attached to it. Cant focus so much on him, have to do what I have to do for me and mine, whether its working six days a week or working three fucking jobs.
looking into doing some others things to generate some cash flow, not telling anyone about my plans dont need no hinderances or negativity. I� believe our roles have been reversed Iam the man steering the relationship, setting milestones for our future. Have to live in the moment one day @ a time minute by minute, whatever it takes to see my dreams come into fruition. Not making� any excuses, Iam gonna live a full enriching life, and nothing or anyone is going to stop me! Not gonna wait til tomorrow or next year, I have my plans made and am working my plan.

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Username: NoDeadenz

Gender / Age: Male, 21

Location: USA - New York

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